Politics

Senators Graham and Hatch Join Kavanaugh in Drunkenly Texted 130 Million American Women Dick Pics and an Image of their Own Bodies Twisted into a Massive Middle Finger

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In an exquisite display of groundbreaking choreography, superb muscular strength, and dramatic bodily flexibility, Senators Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Orrin Hatch (R-UT) arranged themselves with Brett “Whining-Baby-Grab-Hands” Kavanaugh into a human man sized middle finger last Tuesday following the Ford-Kavanaugh testimonies and invited blonde female aides to take images...


Kavanaugh Delivers Compelling Reasoning Supporting His Innocence: “I Don’t Try to Fuck Anyone in a One-Piece”

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In his sworn testimony during last Tuesday’s hearing, Kavanaugh offered persuasive evidence unequivocally proving his innocence. “Look,” reasoned Kavanaugh, “I couldn’t have sexually assaulted Ford that night. I don’t fuck girls in one-piece swimsuits. And she was wearing one. I mean, she says she was wearing one. You see? Her story just doesn’t hold up...





Breaking: Death of 50 Palestinian Protesters is the Featured Component of Netanyahu’s “Love Collage,” a Romantic Gift to his Beau, Trump

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In a touching gesture to boyfriend American President Donald Trump, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu delicately pieced together Israeli emulations of rhetoric and action from decades of infamous American doctrine into a “Love Collage.” Most prominently featured in the collage is the recent death of 50 brown men peacefully protesting against unjust political circumstance...


US Extends Steel, Aluminum Tariffs to Cosmos

by JUSTIN MILLER

Thursday morning, US trade representative Robert Lighthizer announced new targets for the recent steel and aluminum tariffs implemented as a part of President Trump’s “America First” policy.

“Time after time, President Trump has acknowledged that the US has consistently gotten the raw end of trade deals made between nations under the last administration, and he doesn’t want to see that kind of poor strategic planning in our cosmic affairs," said Lighthizer...


Trump So Close to Correctly Guessing Which Country He Just Bombed, Mattis Nearly Swoons

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

MAR-A-LAGO — President of the United States Donald Trump so nearly correctly guessed the country against which he ordered a 59-missile attack, that for one fleeting moment, Secretary of Defense James Mattis lost himself in the sweet, tantalizing fantasy of functional leadership. Sources report that Mad Dog Mattis nearly swooned as Trump claimed that the US had just attacked Iraq, the neighboring country with three of the same letters as the actual target, Syria...


Conservative German Minister of Interior Preemptively Changes Party Logo to Swastika in an Attempt to Sway Far-Right Voters

by SONALI BEHER

BERLIN – Horst Seehofer, newly elected German Minister of the Interior, has announced on Monday that he will add a swastika to the blue lettering of his party’s acronym, the Christian Social Union, in an attempt to outrun Germany’s far-right party, the AfD.

“It would fit best next to the Christian C, I think,” Seehofer told an aide who presented him with a first draft of the altered logo, when reporters from The Fishwrapper met him earlier this week...


Obama Stops to Pet Dog, Nation Forgets About Latest Trump Scandal

by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

Former president Barack Obama was photographed petting a dog on a street in a suburb of Chicago, IL last Wednesday. Within hours, the words “labradoodle” and “schnoodle” were trending on Twitter, as the photos incited controversy for dog-lovers everywhere trying to identify the breed.

White House sources reported that shortly after the story broke, aides were unable to coax current president Donald Trump to leave his place in front of the TV, where CNN had dedicated three hours of coverage to the story and the subsequent discussion of “Best Dog Breeds For Your Personality...


President Trump is “The Least Anti-Semantic Person You Know”

by SOPHIE AANERUD

During a press address last week, in response to questions regarding the rise of Neonazi groups in the United States, President Donald Trump announced, “I am the least anti-Semantic person you know.” The president reportedly went on to explain, “You know, my daughter Ivanka, I mean she’s not technically, but her husband is a Semantic person, and he’s, he’s great, very reliable...


In New Statement, Jeff Sessions Urges Nation to “Just Chill Out”

by RICKY SPAULDING

On Friday evening, Jeff Sessions called a press conference to discuss his shifting policy stance on the decriminalization of marijuana. After a delay of several minutes, he appeared behind the podium visibly chilled out. In a departure from traditional decorum, he wore Crocs and a T-shirt advertising the popular ska/punk group Sublime tucked into lime-colored board shorts, with an acoustic guitar slung across his chest...


Breaking: 6-Year-Old Majority Leader Mitch McConnell Has Plugged His Ears and Won’t Stop Saying “I Can’t Hear You”

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“I can’t hear you, la la la la la,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell repeated for the sixth time on Thursday after the entire nation and Congressional body told him that they wanted gun regulations. McConnell then reportedly hid under a desk in the Old Senate Chamber until the Senate adjourned at 4:57 p.m., at which point Assistant Majority Leader John Cornyn coaxed McConnell to crawl out after negotiations ending in the promise of a cookie and extending bedtime by 30 minutes...



Bird that Landed on Bernie Sanders’ Podium Now Regrets Not Choosing the Establishment Candidate, but at the Time “Didn’t Believe Trump Could Really Win.”

by RICKY SPAULDING

Claiming that it was “swept up in the revolutionary sentiment of [Bernie Sanders’s] campaign,” the bird that landed on Sanders’s podium at a campaign rally in Portland, Oregon, is now expressing remorse for supporting the “grassroots socialist fantasy” Bernie promised. “I guess at the time I didn’t believe Trump could really win,” the small bird lamented during an exclusive interview with this reporter last week, “but now that he has, it’s obvious to me that if we’d all supported Hillary [Clinton] from the start, we might have avoided this whole shitshow...


Scott Pruitt Can't Remember Whether It's "Nuclear" Or "Nucular"

by RICKY SPAULDING

EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt could not remember whether it was “nuclear” or “nucular” in a recent interview on alternative energy. Asked about diversifying U.S. energy production, he replied “To be competitive in a global energy market, we must continue to invest in natural gas and nucular . . . nucular? Nucular energy? Nu ...


Current Events

Politically Produced Earthquake Reverberates Across the States

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Homes across the US shook Saturday after the news of Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation to the Supreme Court broke, and women across the nation collectively bellowed a mixture of audible groans, screams, sobs, and loud strings of profanity.

Some men joined the mix, while others either physically or metaphorically held their hands over the mouths of the frustrated women in an effort to get a little peace and quiet...


American Patriot Sniffles Through Tears as He Remembers Working Out With the Boys, Talking About Girls, Throwing Back Beers with Tobin, and Going to Church on Sundays

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Regaling a group of eagerly listening old men with tales of lifting iron with the great high school quarterback, Tobin, a national patriot recalls life back when it was great; back when he was a king. The recollection was released on YouTube last Tuesday.

In the video, the patriot recalls playing local basketball games on cool summer nights, working out for the upcoming football season at Tobin’s, drinking lagers, drinking pale ales, drinking ciders, hanging out with Varsity girls, drinking porters, popping back brewskies, going to church on Sundays, and remaining a proud virgin...


Infinite Timeline

A collaborative story produced by readers like you.

There once was a fish

with a name that's quite hard to pronounce given that it belongs to another language and all, but for our purposes, we'll call him Alvin.

The one and only fact that Alvin knew with certainty: he hated every part of his Neptune-damned life.

Alvin was a very intelligent fish, at least by fish standards (and his own). As such, he spent most of his time correcting people's OBVIOUS grammar mistakes on their social media posts.

Post-Racism Scandal: Starbucks to Permanently Change Bathroom Code to N-Word In Effort to Stop Discriminating Against Black People

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by SONALI BEHER

SEATTLE – At a press conference on Tuesday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced that the coffee chain will permanently change its bathroom entry codes to the n-word in an attempt to end discriminatory practices leading to the denial of bathroom access for customers of color.

“That way, no one has to ask anyone for anything,” the CEO explained...


Earth Day: Social Media Activist Retweets WWF Tweet, Unsure If Also Sharing an Article On Facebook Is “Too Much Activism for A Day”

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by SONALI BEHER

SEATTLE – In honor of Earth Day, Seattleite Connor White expressed his support for environmental protection by retweeting a post from the World Wildlife Fund’s official twitter account on April 21, yet decided against sharing another article on the same topic on Facebook, calling it an “overload of activism.”

The NGO’s tweet depicted a bleeding elephant near Nairobi with a rusty spear popping out of its neck...


Analysts Conclude Suburbia Rabbit Mr. Puddles is More Food Secure, Healthier, Happier Than Majority of World’s Humans

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“Mr. Puddles gets a handful of strawberries and a little bag of kale every day,” says Suburbia Mom Janelle Kendell of her free-as-a-bird, no worries, whistling, skipping, hopping rabbit Mr. Puddles. “We don’t believe that just because Mr. Puddles isn’t human, he shouldn’t be loved, taken care of, or given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day,” says Kendell, whose rabbit is loved, taken care of, and given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day precisely because it is not human...


iPhone 10 Craze Hits Heaven in a Big Way

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

The big guy has finally dumped his age-old landline for the iPhone 10.

Sources up there report that for about three days after placing his order on Amazon Smile, the Lord Almighty walked around nudging people, and in a deep, ethereal baritone, would josh, “This thing is older than I am,” a classic Dad joke. Despite God’s cavalier attitude in public, he’s purportedly not nearly as chill in private, according to long-time friend and next-door neighbor, Gabriel...






“Finally”: Local Woman Takes up the Art of Hypnosis to Receive Reasonable Medical Attention From Male Doctor

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

Seattle woman Mariah Kipps, frustrated with the inability of her doctors to recognize that she is actually suffering, has resorted to using hypnosis in order to receive the diagnosis for a chronic illness she actually has. Although she quit her job months earlier due to the debilitating pain she experiences, she was still consistently leaving the doctor’s office with a prescription for extra-strength ibuprofen...


"Move, Bitch": Washington Emergency Vehicles to Get Ludacris Makeover

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by ELI D'ALBORA

“It really made a lot of sense to me. I don’t know why we didn’t do it sooner,” said Washington Governor Jay Inslee, referring to the long awaited Ludacris Emergency Bill, which passed through the Senate last night. The bill, which is to come into effect just in time for World Party Day on April 3 of this year, will force all emergency vehicles in the Seattle area to forgo the overly shrill and obnoxious siren that bothers everyone...


Analysts Project 80 Million Americans Will Make their Annual Pilgrimage to Mount Rushmore This Summer, Breaking Records

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

A new study conducted by Pew Research Center finds that upwards of 80 million Americans will make the strenuous journey through the Black Hills of South Dakota to reach Mount Rushmore, where they will pay their respects to the men responsible for the state our country is in today.

“I think it’s something that every American needs to do at least once in their life...


Six Species of South American Frogs Go Extinct During the Making of Latest Sad Polar Bear Documentary

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

The much anticipated documentary,Wandering Ghosts, premiered last Tuesday at the Seattle Mountaineers club headquarters, attracting dozens of environmental activists and advocates. The film is the latest in a series of documentaries following the lives of Greenland’s dwindling polar bear population.

Conflict erupted, however, during the post-screening question-and-answer session with lead-cinematographer and National Geographic photographer, Joseph Tully...


New Study Shows Most Women Just One Compliment Away from Sex with Strange Men

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by RICKY SPAULDING AND ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

An overwhelming majority of women are “one compliment away from sex with pretty much anyone,” according to a recent nationwide survey on women’s sexual preferences. Analysis of the data indicates that offhand comments from random men on the street are the number one turn-on for women, followed closely by prolonged, unbroken gazes at women’s cleavage by male passersby...