Politics

Senate Republicans Push New Legislation to the Floor: “Keep Our Women and Men Safe”

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In the wake of Brett Kavanaugh’s tumultuous and painful confirmation hearings, Senate Republicans determined that they would allow the Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act expire this year. In its place, the majority, led by Orrin Hatch (R-UT) pushed to the floor new legislation entitled “Keep Our Women and Men Safe...


Clarence Thomas Welcomes Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, Launching Supreme Boys’ Club

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In an effort to welcome Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court and encourage greater collegial fraternizing and camaraderie on the bench, Justice Clarence Thomas launched the Supreme Court’s new social club, “The Supreme Boys.”

The club, comprised of Justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, and Brett Kavanaugh, will host its first get-together at the “Governed Bodies,” strip club, located in basement of the West Wing of the White House...




Recording of God Calling Trump to Tell Him Not to Run for Office Recently Released

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

A recording capturing contact between God and President Trump has recently been released to the public. While previous alleged conversations between the United States executive and the divine have typically been reported in the context of support for entering into war or steering the economy in a particular direction, this recording deals with a matter of far lesser complexity...


Kavanaugh Delivers Compelling Reasoning Supporting His Innocence: “I Don’t Try to Fuck Anyone in a One-Piece”

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In his sworn testimony during last Tuesday’s hearing, Kavanaugh offered persuasive evidence unequivocally proving his innocence. “Look,” reasoned Kavanaugh, “I couldn’t have sexually assaulted Ford that night. I don’t fuck girls in one-piece swimsuits. And she was wearing one. I mean, she says she was wearing one. You see? Her story just doesn’t hold up...


Senators Graham and Hatch Join Kavanaugh in Drunkenly Texting 130 Million American Women Dick Pics and an Image of their Own Bodies Twisted into a Massive Middle Finger

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In an exquisite display of groundbreaking choreography, superb muscular strength, and dramatic bodily flexibility, Senators Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Orrin Hatch (R-UT) arranged themselves with Brett “Whining-Baby-Grab-Hands” Kavanaugh into a human man sized middle finger last Tuesday following the Ford-Kavanaugh testimonies and invited blonde female aides to take images...





Breaking: Death of 50 Palestinian Protesters is the Featured Component of Netanyahu’s “Love Collage,” a Romantic Gift to his Beau, Trump

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In a touching gesture to boyfriend American President Donald Trump, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu delicately pieced together Israeli emulations of rhetoric and action from decades of infamous American doctrine into a “Love Collage.” Most prominently featured in the collage is the recent death of 50 brown men peacefully protesting against unjust political circumstance...


US Extends Steel, Aluminum Tariffs to Cosmos

by JUSTIN MILLER

Thursday morning, US trade representative Robert Lighthizer announced new targets for the recent steel and aluminum tariffs implemented as a part of President Trump’s “America First” policy.

“Time after time, President Trump has acknowledged that the US has consistently gotten the raw end of trade deals made between nations under the last administration, and he doesn’t want to see that kind of poor strategic planning in our cosmic affairs," said Lighthizer...


Trump So Close to Correctly Guessing Which Country He Just Bombed, Mattis Nearly Swoons

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

MAR-A-LAGO — President of the United States Donald Trump so nearly correctly guessed the country against which he ordered a 59-missile attack, that for one fleeting moment, Secretary of Defense James Mattis lost himself in the sweet, tantalizing fantasy of functional leadership. Sources report that Mad Dog Mattis nearly swooned as Trump claimed that the US had just attacked Iraq, the neighboring country with three of the same letters as the actual target, Syria...


Conservative German Minister of Interior Preemptively Changes Party Logo to Swastika in an Attempt to Sway Far-Right Voters

by SONALI BEHER

BERLIN – Horst Seehofer, newly elected German Minister of the Interior, has announced on Monday that he will add a swastika to the blue lettering of his party’s acronym, the Christian Social Union, in an attempt to outrun Germany’s far-right party, the AfD.

“It would fit best next to the Christian C, I think,” Seehofer told an aide who presented him with a first draft of the altered logo, when reporters from The Fishwrapper met him earlier this week...


Obama Stops to Pet Dog, Nation Forgets About Latest Trump Scandal

by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

Former president Barack Obama was photographed petting a dog on a street in a suburb of Chicago, IL last Wednesday. Within hours, the words “labradoodle” and “schnoodle” were trending on Twitter, as the photos incited controversy for dog-lovers everywhere trying to identify the breed.

White House sources reported that shortly after the story broke, aides were unable to coax current president Donald Trump to leave his place in front of the TV, where CNN had dedicated three hours of coverage to the story and the subsequent discussion of “Best Dog Breeds For Your Personality...


President Trump is “The Least Anti-Semantic Person You Know”

by SOPHIE AANERUD

During a press address last week, in response to questions regarding the rise of Neonazi groups in the United States, President Donald Trump announced, “I am the least anti-Semantic person you know.” The president reportedly went on to explain, “You know, my daughter Ivanka, I mean she’s not technically, but her husband is a Semantic person, and he’s, he’s great, very reliable...


In New Statement, Jeff Sessions Urges Nation to “Just Chill Out”

by RICKY SPAULDING

On Friday evening, Jeff Sessions called a press conference to discuss his shifting policy stance on the decriminalization of marijuana. After a delay of several minutes, he appeared behind the podium visibly chilled out. In a departure from traditional decorum, he wore Crocs and a T-shirt advertising the popular ska/punk group Sublime tucked into lime-colored board shorts, with an acoustic guitar slung across his chest...


Breaking: 6-Year-Old Majority Leader Mitch McConnell Has Plugged His Ears and Won’t Stop Saying “I Can’t Hear You”

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“I can’t hear you, la la la la la,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell repeated for the sixth time on Thursday after the entire nation and Congressional body told him that they wanted gun regulations. McConnell then reportedly hid under a desk in the Old Senate Chamber until the Senate adjourned at 4:57 p.m., at which point Assistant Majority Leader John Cornyn coaxed McConnell to crawl out after negotiations ending in the promise of a cookie and extending bedtime by 30 minutes...


Scott Pruitt Can't Remember Whether It's "Nuclear" Or "Nucular"

by RICKY SPAULDING

EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt could not remember whether it was “nuclear” or “nucular” in a recent interview on alternative energy. Asked about diversifying U.S. energy production, he replied “To be competitive in a global energy market, we must continue to invest in natural gas and nucular . . . nucular? Nucular energy? Nu ...



Bird that Landed on Bernie Sanders’ Podium Now Regrets Not Choosing the Establishment Candidate, but at the Time “Didn’t Believe Trump Could Really Win.”

by RICKY SPAULDING

Claiming that it was “swept up in the revolutionary sentiment of [Bernie Sanders’s] campaign,” the bird that landed on Sanders’s podium at a campaign rally in Portland, Oregon, is now expressing remorse for supporting the “grassroots socialist fantasy” Bernie promised. “I guess at the time I didn’t believe Trump could really win,” the small bird lamented during an exclusive interview with this reporter last week, “but now that he has, it’s obvious to me that if we’d all supported Hillary [Clinton] from the start, we might have avoided this whole shitshow...


Local

“Bezos’s Balls” Retract Into Ground During Cold Weather

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by JULIAN O'LEARY

SEATTLE — Amazon’s iconic glass spheres in South Lake Union have “shrunk" due to the drop in temperatures during February’s snowstorm. The balls retracted approximately 20 feet into the warmth of the ground when the storm started on the 4th in order to maintain a reasonable temperature inside for plants and workers...


BREAKING: Seattle “Smart Tunnel” Can’t Work Under These Conditions Either, OKAY??

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by JULIAN O'LEARY

Washington State Department of Transit (WSDOT) announced early Monday morning that they will be closing the Alaskan Way Viaduct replacement tunnel for an indefinite period due to snow.

The tunnel is one of the first “smart tunnels” in the world, designed to put out fires and flooding automatically, however, its engineers warn that it is still a Seattle tunnel at heart, so it comes with its limitations...


Infinite Timeline

A collaborative story produced by readers like you.

There once was a fish

with a name that's quite hard to pronounce given that it belongs to another language and all, but for our purposes, we'll call him Alvin.

The one and only fact that Alvin knew with certainty: he hated every part of his Neptune-damned life.

Alvin was a very intelligent fish, at least by fish standards (and his own). As such, he spent most of his time correcting people's OBVIOUS grammar mistakes on their social media posts.

Unfortunately, this activity tended to make Alvin quite angry and miserable, but ever since he had been laid off from his job as editor of the local newspaper he had been unable to think of a better way to spend his time.

Beached Orca Card Saved in Dramatic Rescue

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by ARTHUR MILANI

Madison Park residents rejoiced on Saturday after the successful rescue of an Orca Card that had been stranded on Madison Park North Beach.

Beachgoer Rachel Ulrich spotted the card partially buried in the sand last Friday morning, and within half an hour, a team of impassioned volunteers had quickly assembled to return the beached Orca Card to the ocean...


UW Student Sent Into Rapid Downward Spiral After Three Weeks of Watching Only 80s Movies Nominated for MTV Movie Awards for Best Kiss

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

For UW undergraduate Jazmín Santos, this year’s winter break was not all cookies and fudge, and relatives were not the only sources of consternation. Her three weeks of vacation were a whirlwind of unexpected experiences and challenging revelations that produced a steaming-fresh identity crisis.

“I never knew I had it in me to watch so many romantic films from the 80s...


Merry Capitalismus, From Our Family to Yours

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by THE EDITORIAL BOARD

From our family to yours, Merry Capitalismus! This is what some of the gang has been up to:

Fishwrapper Capitalist (Treasurer) Sasha Jenkins has had a great year diligently collecting Silly Banz©️ and playing with her friends at Webkins.com. You can catch her online, Webkins username @sasha-webkins.

Web Editor Zane Littrell has passed another uneventful quarter at UW Tacoma...


Fishwrapper Staff on Strike, Demanding Higher Wages, More Functional Chairs

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by THE EDITORIAL BOARD

The staff of The Fishwrapper has been on strike since Oct 12, refusing to write (although at peak production, they only write one article every two months), design graphics, or change the font on the website for the fifth time. They cited poor working conditions (no heating at the meeting place) and low (zero) pay...



Ghosts in Haggett, McMahon Upset About North Campus Renovation Plans

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by ARTHUR MILANI

Following a budget-induced delay in the demolition of Haggett Hall, University of Washington Housing and Food Services (HFS) commissioned a small team of local mediums to interview the ghosts that haunt Haggett and McMahon Halls about the plans to modernize North Campus. The spirit body overwhelmingly disapproved of the impending changes, mediums reported Tuesday...


College Republicans Counter Low Turnout With Mannequins

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

Following a record-low number of new recruits on the first day of the Registered Student Organization (RSO) Fair at the beginning of the year, the College Republicans have resorted to using mannequins elaborately decorated in club merchandise to pad their member count during recruitment on the second day of the Fair...


Report: Seattle Blackberry Bushes Play Defense in Sizeism Scandal

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Loved by some, despised by most, Seattle’s invasive blackberry bushes are ripe with sweet, saccharine little berries — and controversy.

Seattle’s Rubus ursinus are the centerpiece in a lawsuit filed against the city of Seattle: Ali, Jacobs, Mueller, Schmidt, & Carol v. City of Seattle. The prosecuting party, two men and three women of heights ranging from 5’1” to 5’5”, claim that the blackberry bushes produce berries in such a way that is inaccessible for those of small stature, perpetuating sizeism already built into the structure of the urban landscape...



UW Free & For Sale Facebook Page Bans the Sale of Anything Other than Absolutely Useless Shit

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

On Saturday, a post in the UW Free & For Sale page incited controversy that lead to sweeping new regulations over the kinds of things people should be able to sell on the page.

“Hey, so this page should only be for selling stuff that absolutely no one could possibly want,” read one of the many comments on the post that has now been reported and deleted...


White Female Student Calls UWPD on Group of Black Male Students Playing Spikeball in the Quad

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM AND CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

University of Washington Seattle — UWPD responded to a call made by UW senior Jessica Stanhold last Tuesday. The distressed white female student reported a “threatening group of men” engaging in “really aggressive” behavior in a tight-knit circle in the Quad.

When UWPD arrived, Stanhold immediately began to cry, whimpering, “Thank god you’re here...


UW Out-Of-State Student Finally Adjusts to Seattle Freeze, Goes on Hike, Is Socially Overwhelmed

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

University of Washington sophomore and Seattle transplant Peter Singh is suing the Washington Trails Association (WTA) after suffering severe emotional distress on a local hike last Tuesday. Singh was confronted with two years’ worth of social interaction in one afternoon, and having adjusted to the notorious “Seattle Freeze,” the UW student was left wholly unprepared for the hike, rated “easy to moderate” on the WTA page...


Shrine to Elon Musk Found in Basement of Computer Science and Engineering Building

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

UW janitors cleaning the Paul G. Allen Center for Computer Science and Engineering (CSE) made a grisly discovery last week. At the end of a rarely used basement hallway, staff found what appears to be a shrine dedicated to SpaceX CEO Elon Musk.

The shrine featured a 3D-printed bowl which leaked a “foul smelling” combination of what was found to be Soylent and Monster before a photo of the Tesla co-founder...



UW President Ana Mari Cauce Makes Counteroffer in Light of TA Strike: “You can take cash tips.”

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM AND ALYSON PODESTA

University of Washington – UW President Ana Mari Cauce addressed the university’s student employee body on Wednesday, proposing a new counteroffer during continued contract negotiations. “The UW prides itself on its equity, inclusion, and fair practices. That’s why we’re with you. On your side. Regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, class, or religion, everyone can take advantage of the beauty that is our capitalist system...


Stupid Girl Thinks She Knows When Her Midterm Is, Doesn’t

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON — In a surprising development, university sources have found that The Fishwrapper Editor-in-Chief and local stupid girl Elle Bernbaum can’t distinguish the accurate date of her Particles and Symmetries midterm from her own ass. “I knew something was off when she met us with a casual, ‘Hey y’all’ during lecture the day before and wanted to do the homework instead of studying,” said classmate Cole MacCulloch, who had come to the shaky conclusion that Bernbaum must have been feeling confident about the test...


UW Resilience Lab Holds Workshop for Failing Forward in Red Square When It’s Raining

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UW Resilience Lab held a workshop on March 30 in Kane Hall to address, respect, and overcome the challenges that so many Huskies face crossing Red Square in the rain. “Falling on your ass time and time again takes an emotional toll, and that burden must be named,” explained the organizer of the event, Moon Stephens. “We embrace failure as a necessary step in learning, but we also acknowledge the emotional impact failure has on all of us...


Area Man Has Watched all of Rick and Morty, Is Smarter than You

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by RICKY SPAULDING AND ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“It’s actually so well done,” says Peter Davis, a University of Washington Junior who is confident that you will be skeptical because of the show’s animated format and goofy humor. “Like, obviously it’s really out there, but the writing is amazing. It gets so dark.” Davis goes on to explain that Rick is a complex anti-hero whose character is both abhorrent and sympathetic, using the words, “compelling,” “nuanced,” and “actually” several times for emphasis...


Cauce Announces New “Pepper Spray for Boundless Seagulls” in Suzzallo and Odegaard Library Vending Machines

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Vending machines in Suzzallo and Ode will soon offer pepper spray for boundless birds, according to a statement released by President Ana Mari Cauce. The move came in response to the violent and bloody attack of freshman Katie Thomson by a wild-eyed seagull in Red Square.

Thomson reportedly saw the bird eyeing her Moto Surf mac ‘n’ cheese hungrily, and thought it acceptable and generous to offer the bird a noodle...