Politics




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Arts & Culture

It’s All Greek to Me!

by ANNA GUARDADO

Δεν έχω λεφτά. Αλλά τι έχω είναι ένα πολύ συγκεκριμένο σύνολο δεξιοτήτων, τις δεξιότητες που έχω αποκτήσει κατά τη διάρκεια μιας μακράς καριέρας. Δεξιότητες που με κάνουν έναν εφιάλτη για ανθρώπους σαν εσένα. Εάν αφήσετε την κόρη μου να πάει τώρα, αυτό θα είναι το τέλος της. Δεν θα σε ψάχνω, δεν θα σε ακολουθήσω. Αλλά αν δεν το κάνεις, θα σε ψάχνω, θα σε βρω και θα σε σκοτώσω. Έχω την μέγιστη εμπιστοσύνη στο συγκεκριμένο σύνολο δεξιοτήτων μου, δεδομένου ότι συνίσταται στη κανω τοστ αβοκάντο, τη συλλογή χρεών φοιτητών και την καταστρέφοντας του FitnessGram™ Pacer Test. Το FitnessGram™ Pacer Test είναι μια δοκιμασία πολλαπλών σταδίων αναερόβιας ικανότητας, η οποία σταδιακά γίνεται όλο και πιο δύσκολη καθώς συνεχίζεται. Η δοκιμή βηματοδότησης 20 μέτρων θα ξεκινήσει σε 30 δευτερόλεπτα. Γραμμή κατά την εκκίνηση. Η ταχύτητα λειτουργίας ξεκινά αργά, αλλά γίνεται ταχύτερη κάθε λεπτό, αφού ακούσετε αυτό το σήμα. [μπιπ] Ένας γύρο πρέπει να ολοκληρωθεί κάθε φορά που ακούτε αυτόν τον ήχο. [ding] Να θυμάστε να τρέχετε σε ευθεία γραμμή και να τρέχετε όσο το δυνατόν περισσότερο. Τη δεύτερη φορά που δεν ολοκληρώσετε έναν γύρο πριν από τον ήχο, η δοκιμή σας τελείωσε. Η δοκιμή θα ξεκινήσει από την αρχή της λέξης “αρχή.” Στο σημάδι σας, ετοιμαστείτε, ξεκινήστε....


Valentine’s Day Date Ideas for Singles Trying to Get By

by EMILY VAUGHAN

Pull out your heart-shaped candles and pink paper decorations — Valentine’s Day is just around the corner! If you’re kicking it solo this year, here are a few fun singles activities to try out. Even single people deserve to have a nice time!...


Crack on Back: An Unpublished Work Exposing Dr. Suess’s Deep Love Affair with the Devil’s Dandruff

by PHELON BROWN

Was the late and much-loved Dr. Suess a devoted dabbler in Disco Dust?? Did he have the proverbial monkey on his back, or as he might have said, “crack on back”? In a journalistic coup not seen since the Pentagon Papers, freelance correspondent Phelan Brown unearthed a heretofore unpublished verbal manuscript that Suess insisted not be released until 1+2+3+4+5+6+7 years after his death in 1991. The Fishwrapper recently released the complete transcript, a sample of which is reproduced here:...


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Infinite Timeline

A collaborative story produced by readers like you.

There once was a fish

with a name that's quite hard to pronounce given that it belongs to another language and all, but for our purposes, we'll call him Alvin.

The one and only fact that Alvin knew with certainty: he hated every part of his Neptune-damned life.

Alvin was a very intelligent fish, at least by fish standards (and his own). As such, he spent most of his time correcting people's OBVIOUS grammar mistakes on their social media posts.

Unfortunately, this activity tended to make Alvin quite angry and miserable, but ever since he had been laid off from his job as editor of the local newspaper he had been unable to think of a better way to spend his time.

Alvin grew weary by the day. He found salvation and creative expression when he learned to play the conch with a local surf rock band. They smoked a lot of seaweed and experienced great success... until news surfaced about their bassist, a racist bass.

Alvin already thought poorly of the bassist because of his improper use of possessives in his Instagram captions, but the racism really pushed him over the edge.


Vegan Activists Questioned about Murder After Impactful Demonstration

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

The vegan activist group Ban Animal Consumption Or Nudes (BACON) has recently received attention for its practice of hacking into secure devices and publicizing the nudes of local politicians who refuse to support vegan legislation, but following the death of a houseless man last week, BACON is now being questioned for murder....


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