Politics


Senate Republicans Push New Legislation to the Floor: “Keep Our Women and Men Safe”

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In the wake of Brett Kavanaugh’s tumultuous and painful confirmation hearings, Senate Republicans determined that they would allow the Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act expire this year. In its place, the majority, led by Orrin Hatch (R-UT) pushed to the floor new legislation entitled “Keep Our Women and Men Safe.”...


Clarence Thomas Welcomes Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, Launching Supreme Boys’ Club

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In an effort to welcome Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court and encourage greater collegial fraternizing and camaraderie on the bench, Justice Clarence Thomas launched the Supreme Court’s new social club, “The Supreme Boys.”

The club, comprised of Justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, and Brett Kavanaugh, will host its first get-together at the “Governed Bodies,” strip club, located in basement of the West Wing of the White House....


Recording of God Calling Trump to Tell Him Not to Run for Office Recently Released

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

A recording capturing contact between God and President Trump has recently been released to the public. While previous alleged conversations between the United States executive and the divine have typically been reported in the context of support for entering into war or steering the economy in a particular direction, this recording deals with a matter of far lesser complexity....




Senators Graham and Hatch Join Kavanaugh in Drunkenly Texting 130 Million American Women Dick Pics and an Image of their Own Bodies Twisted into a Massive Middle Finger

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In an exquisite display of groundbreaking choreography, superb muscular strength, and dramatic bodily flexibility, Senators Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Orrin Hatch (R-UT) arranged themselves with Brett “Whining-Baby-Grab-Hands” Kavanaugh into a human man sized middle finger last Tuesday following the Ford-Kavanaugh testimonies and invited blonde female aides to take images. Immediately after, the three jointly drunk-texted one such choice image to millions of women across the US, followed by a litany of dick pics....


Kavanaugh Delivers Compelling Reasoning Supporting His Innocence: “I Don’t Try to Fuck Anyone in a One-Piece”

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In his sworn testimony during last Tuesday’s hearing, Kavanaugh offered persuasive evidence unequivocally proving his innocence. “Look,” reasoned Kavanaugh, “I couldn’t have sexually assaulted Ford that night. I don’t fuck girls in one-piece swimsuits. And she was wearing one. I mean, she says she was wearing one. You see? Her story just doesn’t hold up. If I was going to try to rape someone, it would be someone in a two-piece. She would have to look totally hot. I go for tens. You hear me? I’m innocent.”...


Kasich Transforms into Cool Older Friend Who “Gets” Young People in Months Leading Up to 2020 Presidential Candidacy Announcement

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Former Republican presidential candidate and current Governor of Ohio John Kasich transformed into a cool older friend last Thursday during a requested interview with a reporter from The Fishwrapper.

“I just go along with the flow,” said the 66-year-old in the interview, slouched, foot playing with the penny board on which he arrived. “Some Republicans just don’t get it. I know that’s been a frustration for people your age, and I want you to know I do. I really get it. I don’t buy what the Republican Party has become. I’m not just some eyes-closed old Boomer who isn’t in touch with the changing times. I know dope has some positive medicinal qualities, and I know it’s time for common-sense gun control."...



Breaking: Trump Compares Yet Another School Shooting to That Email We’ve All Been Avoiding for Months

by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

In the wake of Friday’s school shooting in Santa Fe, TX, which left at least 8 dead, the third of its kind in the past eight days, President Donald Trump offered his condolences.

“This has been going on too long in our country. Too many years. Too many decades now,” he said in a press conference. “It’s a very tough topic to talk about. Very tough, especially for me. You people — I’ve got something that will help you understand this a little bit, how it works here — you people know that email that you’ve been avoiding replying to for ages? Ages. Like, it’s been so long, that now, it feels like it’s not right to respond anymore? That’s what gun control is for people in this business, and now I’m in this business, so that’s what it is for me.”...


Breaking: Death of 50 Palestinian Protesters is the Featured Component of Netanyahu’s “Love Collage,” a Romantic Gift to his Beau, Trump

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In a touching gesture to boyfriend American President Donald Trump, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu delicately pieced together Israeli emulations of rhetoric and action from decades of infamous American doctrine into a “Love Collage.” Most prominently featured in the collage is the recent death of 50 brown men peacefully protesting against unjust political circumstance....


US Extends Steel, Aluminum Tariffs to Cosmos

by JUSTIN MILLER

Thursday morning, US trade representative Robert Lighthizer announced new targets for the recent steel and aluminum tariffs implemented as a part of President Trump’s “America First” policy.

“Time after time, President Trump has acknowledged that the US has consistently gotten the raw end of trade deals made between nations under the last administration, and he doesn’t want to see that kind of poor strategic planning in our cosmic affairs," said Lighthizer. "We’ve landed on the moon, but we haven’t created comprehensive trade policy with Mars. This is unacceptable.”...


Trump So Close to Correctly Guessing Which Country He Just Bombed, Mattis Nearly Swoons

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

MAR-A-LAGO — President of the United States Donald Trump so nearly correctly guessed the country against which he ordered a 59-missile attack, that for one fleeting moment, Secretary of Defense James Mattis lost himself in the sweet, tantalizing fantasy of functional leadership. Sources report that Mad Dog Mattis nearly swooned as Trump claimed that the US had just attacked Iraq, the neighboring country with three of the same letters as the actual target, Syria. Ears filled with the mellifluous tones of a poor pronunciation of the nation in the Levant, minimally similar to Syria in that the US made utterly bad decisions with regard to both, Warrior Monk Mattis felt the tingling warmth of what could have been. A perfumed breeze tenderly swaddled him in a blissfully euphoric peace as memories of #I’mWithHer tweets and blue “H” stickers lazily drifted before his mind’s eye. Images of pantsuits and qualifications allegedly teased Mattis with memories of long-gone opportunities both heartachingly pleasant and consequently cruel_ . . . A pantsuit folded into a red and white striped rose, blossomed, emitting smart and sharp white stars from its delicate blue center, transformed into a gun-wielding, pantsuit-wearing eagle with proud eyes keenly trained on the Middle East, then abruptly vomited up a chocolate cake._...


Conservative German Minister of Interior Preemptively Changes Party Logo to Swastika in an Attempt to Sway Far-Right Voters

by SONALI BEHER

BERLIN – Horst Seehofer, newly elected German Minister of the Interior, has announced on Monday that he will add a swastika to the blue lettering of his party’s acronym, the Christian Social Union, in an attempt to outrun Germany’s far-right party, the AfD.

“It would fit best next to the Christian C, I think,” Seehofer told an aide who presented him with a first draft of the altered logo, when reporters from The Fishwrapper met him earlier this week....


Obama Stops to Pet Dog, Nation Forgets About Latest Trump Scandal

by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

Former president Barack Obama was photographed petting a dog on a street in a suburb of Chicago, IL last Wednesday. Within hours, the words “labradoodle” and “schnoodle” were trending on Twitter, as the photos incited controversy for dog-lovers everywhere trying to identify the breed.

White House sources reported that shortly after the story broke, aides were unable to coax current president Donald Trump to leave his place in front of the TV, where CNN had dedicated three hours of coverage to the story and the subsequent discussion of “Best Dog Breeds For Your Personality.” Trump was reportedly “trembling with rage.”...


President Trump is “The Least Anti-Semantic Person You Know”

by SOPHIE AANERUD

During a press address last week, in response to questions regarding the rise of Neonazi groups in the United States, President Donald Trump announced, “I am the least anti-Semantic person you know.” The president reportedly went on to explain, “You know, my daughter Ivanka, I mean she’s not technically, but her husband is a Semantic person, and he’s, he’s great, very reliable.”...


In New Statement, Jeff Sessions Urges Nation to “Just Chill Out”

by RICKY SPAULDING

On Friday evening, Jeff Sessions called a press conference to discuss his shifting policy stance on the decriminalization of marijuana. After a delay of several minutes, he appeared behind the podium visibly chilled out. In a departure from traditional decorum, he wore Crocs and a T-shirt advertising the popular ska/punk group Sublime tucked into lime-colored board shorts, with an acoustic guitar slung across his chest. After noodling around with the chorus from “Santeria” for a few minutes, Sessions unfolded his new policy position. Citing recent research conducted by “the Jeffy-boi himself,” Sessions insisted that “a little sticky-icky never hurt anybody.” Further, he claimed that if we all “just chill out,” we’ll realize that “we all came from Mother Gaia after all, so let’s just vibe with each other and enjoy the fruits of her soils.” Pressed on his controversial support of debtor’s prisons, Sessions replied, “Maybe the real prison is our skewed perception of reality, ya know? Like do you ever feel like you’re just a spectator, and your body is like a viewing room for this inaccessible outside world?”...


Breaking: 6-Year-Old Majority Leader Mitch McConnell Has Plugged His Ears and Won’t Stop Saying “I Can’t Hear You”

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“I can’t hear you, la la la la la,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell repeated for the sixth time on Thursday after the entire nation and Congressional body told him that they wanted gun regulations. McConnell then reportedly hid under a desk in the Old Senate Chamber until the Senate adjourned at 4:57 p.m., at which point Assistant Majority Leader John Cornyn coaxed McConnell to crawl out after negotiations ending in the promise of a cookie and extending bedtime by 30 minutes. “He’s had a big day,” Cornyn stated. “He gets grouchy without his 2 o’clock nap, which he had to skip today because the Democrats were being too noisy in the other room. We’ll try again on Monday.”...


Bird that Landed on Bernie Sanders’ Podium Now Regrets Not Choosing the Establishment Candidate, but at the Time “Didn’t Believe Trump Could Really Win.”

by RICKY SPAULDING

Claiming that it was “swept up in the revolutionary sentiment of [Bernie Sanders’s] campaign,” the bird that landed on Sanders’s podium at a campaign rally in Portland, Oregon, is now expressing remorse for supporting the “grassroots socialist fantasy” Bernie promised. “I guess at the time I didn’t believe Trump could really win,” the small bird lamented during an exclusive interview with this reporter last week, “but now that he has, it’s obvious to me that if we’d all supported Hillary [Clinton] from the start, we might have avoided this whole shitshow.” The bird expressed some lingering reservations about Clinton’s “Wall Street ties” and “the whole email thing” (both of which the bird was unable to elaborate on when pressed), but stated that ultimately, “anything would be better than what we ended up with. Anyway, it certainly makes me miss Obama. Did you know that under the AHCA, ‘being a bird’ is a preexisting condition? I have hollow bones, there’s like five cats in my neighborhood, and now I can’t get health insurance? I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.”...


Breaking: Chinese Emperor Xi Jinping Is Young and Powerful, and You’re Gonna Love Him

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Straying from standard reactions to insecurities relating to age and Winnie the Pooh likeness, newly-dubbed Chinese Emperor Xi Jinping announced on Sunday that he has not only decided to live forever, but to rule forever. Xi did so after arriving at a news conference on his newly purchased, flame-painted Harley. Vice reports that he was sporting a new and splendid nose ring and leather jacket, a look reminiscent of the bad boy in that one Lana del Rey video. After wiping the last drops of water harvested from the domestically manufactured Fountain of Youth from his lips, Emperor Xi reportedly assured the Chinese people that he will “rule with a benevolent yet firm hand in addition to a legion of workers tasked with censoring every comment relating to imperial crows’ feet or general opinion that is not a reflection of unyielding awe and wide-eyed admiration for me." Although initially unsure, translators later confirmed that Emperor Xi’s speech to the nation ended with “I don’t give a damn. I’m gonna live forever. I’m staying, I’m staying. And you, you’re gonna love me.”...


Scott Pruitt Can't Remember Whether It's "Nuclear" Or "Nucular"

by RICKY SPAULDING

EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt could not remember whether it was “nuclear” or “nucular” in a recent interview on alternative energy. Asked about diversifying U.S. energy production, he replied “To be competitive in a global energy market, we must continue to invest in natural gas and nucular . . . nucular? Nucular energy? Nu . . . that doesn’t sound right. Hold on.” After a strenuous Google search, he put down his phone in confused frustration: “I looked it up, but I don’t know how to read those weird little characters they use to tell you how to pronounce words! You know what I’m talking about?”...


Local

Ducks Brace, Knowing Naked People are About to Run Through Their Home

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Every two years, the ducks of Drumheller Fountain prepare for its biennial cleaning and their biennial nightmare. While some in the duck community tolerate the ritual removal of their excrement and subsequent mob of nude students entering their home uninvited, most really don’t.

“This isn’t Woodstock for Christ’s sake,” quacked one brow-furrowed duck in an exclusive interview with The Fishwrapper. “Gees, do they ruffle my feathers. If I see one more bloated condom floating through my dining room, just one more crumpled Dick’s burger wrapper trapped in the waves of the waterbed, one more roach by my slide, I think I’ll lose it.” The community leader (who chose to remain anonymous) continued, “My cousin’s back in town for the summer -- how am I supposed to explain to them that I’m living in some kinda commie home where miscreant little students walk around in their ungodly birthday suits, kombucha-filled mason jars in hand, chattering among themselves, ‘free the nipple’ this and ‘save the bees’ that?”...


UW College Republicans To Hold “Pragmatism Cook Out"

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

After enormous success in antagonizing people during their “Affirmative Action Bake Sale,” last Friday, May 3, the UW College Republicans (UWCR) — not to be confused with a similarly dispositioned gaping wound — has decided to continue pursuing food-themed events that blow.

Accordingly, UWCR will hold a “Pragmatism Cook Out” next Friday, May 17....


Infinite Timeline

A collaborative story produced by readers like you.

There once was a fish

with a name that's quite hard to pronounce given that it belongs to another language and all, but for our purposes, we'll call him Alvin.

The one and only fact that Alvin knew with certainty: he hated every part of his Neptune-damned life.

Alvin was a very intelligent fish, at least by fish standards (and his own). As such, he spent most of his time correcting people's OBVIOUS grammar mistakes on their social media posts.

Unfortunately, this activity tended to make Alvin quite angry and miserable, but ever since he had been laid off from his job as editor of the local newspaper he had been unable to think of a better way to spend his time.

UWCR Kicked Out of Shitty People Association (SPA) for Being “Too Shitty”

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by ALYSON PODESTA AND ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In an insane self-burn early this May, the College Republicans of the University of Washington (UWCR) posted a screenshot of an official statement issued from the Washington College Republican Federation, which formally announced that the UWCR is not affiliated with the Federation and that they did not sanction the UWCR’s recent bake fale. The statement concluded with a condemnation of racism and bigotry....


LOL: 4 Things All Girlfriends TOTALLY Say

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by ARMON MAHDAVI

LITERALLY ALL GUYS WITH GIRLFRIENDS WILL RELATE HAHAH

#1

“Hey! How was your day today?”

OMG GET OFF MY BACK LMAO YOU’RE NOT MY THERAPIST! YOU FEEL?

#2

“I feel like you’ve been more quiet than usual recently. It’s totally fine if you need space, but just know I’m here for you whenever you need me.”...


Having 21st Century Problems? Try 15th Century Solutions

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by ALYSON PODESTA AND ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In recent years, concern about the safety of vaccination has become widespread. If you worry that your child will get autism from modern vaccines, we have solutions for some other problems you may have!

Having period cramps? Trying dying of cholera young, before puberty hits. Too much traffic on your morning commute? Get a horse. Ride it exclusively on backroads to your destination....


Analyst Projects UW Will Reopen As a Thriving Business Following Spring Break Closures

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

After analysis of the University of Washington’s 2019 winter quarter, business analyst Jennifer Nguyen has projected that UW Seattle will reopen with high profits, healthy business prospects, and a beaming Board of Directors (Regents) following its spring break closures.

Nguyen explains that her conclusions are based on an examination of a number of criteria, including but not limited to ignored demands for campus improvements, gummy bear type and distribution, and the Board of Directors’ recent decision to begin production of Husky brand credit cards, soon to be nearly the only form of payment accepted on campus....


2019’s Top Buildings for Boinking

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by THE EDITORIAL BOARD

Feeling frisky? Reference this obviously non-exhaustive e-guide for the best and worst campus locations to do the hanky panky.

Top Tier Shit

These buildings are impeccably out-of-the-way, experience little traffic, and have rooms with few to no windows.

  • Fishery Sciences
  • Ceramic and Metal Arts
  • Hughes Penthouse Theatre
  • Loew

It’s Better Than a Lot of Other Places, Okay?

We wouldn’t seek out these buildings, but they’re not bad options for the bold soul. Many are somewhat central (a real negative), and those which are not experience significant foot traffic (also a negative). All the same, these buildings are either generally quiet and with nooks and crannies overlooked enough to serve as viable options for some nookie, or as is the case with the IMA, they have spaces where inconspicuousness is a nonissue. Locker room showers, for instance, can be a good option during the midday slog or following the dinnertime bustle....


“Bezos’s Balls” Retract Into Ground During Cold Weather

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by JULIAN O'LEARY

SEATTLE — Amazon’s iconic glass spheres in South Lake Union have “shrunk" due to the drop in temperatures during February’s snowstorm. The balls retracted approximately 20 feet into the warmth of the ground when the storm started on Feb. 4th in order to maintain a reasonable temperature inside for plants and workers....


BREAKING: Seattle “Smart Tunnel” Can’t Work Under These Conditions Either, OKAY??

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by JULIAN O'LEARY

Washington State Department of Transit (WSDOT) announced early Monday morning that they will be closing the Alaskan Way Viaduct replacement tunnel for an indefinite period due to snow.

The tunnel is one of the first “smart tunnels” in the world, designed to put out fires and flooding automatically, however, its engineers warn that it is still a Seattle tunnel at heart, so it comes with its limitations....


Beached Orca Card Saved in Dramatic Rescue

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by ARTHUR MILANI

Madison Park residents rejoiced on Saturday after the successful rescue of an Orca Card that had been stranded on Madison Park North Beach.

Beachgoer Rachel Ulrich spotted the card partially buried in the sand last Friday morning, and within half an hour a team of impassioned volunteers had quickly assembled to return the beached Orca Card to the ocean....


UW Student Sent Into Rapid Downward Spiral After Three Weeks of Watching Only 80s Movies Nominated for MTV Movie Awards for Best Kiss

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

For UW undergraduate Jazmín Santos, this year’s winter break was not all cookies and fudge, and relatives were not the only sources of consternation. Her three weeks of vacation were a whirlwind of unexpected experiences and challenging revelations that produced a steaming-fresh identity crisis.

“I never knew I had it in me to watch so many romantic films from the 80s. I’m just not that kind of girl,” explained Santos in an interview with The Fishwrapper, confusion growing in her eyes. “I wince at intense, emotional dance scenes and relationships based on nothing but a shared cigarette. At least, that’s what I thought.”...


Merry Capitalismus, From Our Family to Yours

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by THE EDITORIAL BOARD

From our family to yours, Merry Capitalismus! This is what some of the gang has been up to:

Fishwrapper Capitalist (Treasurer) Sasha Jenkins has had a great year diligently collecting Silly Banz©️ and playing with her friends at Webkins.com. You can catch her online, Webkins username @sasha-webkins.

Web Editor Zane Littrell has passed another uneventful quarter at UW Tacoma. His only excitements have been the opportunity to explain the complexity and emotional depth of Bojack Horseman to unwilling listeners, as well as the joy of changing the font on The Fishwrapper’s website for the fifth time....


Fishwrapper Staff on Strike, Demanding Higher Wages, More Functional Chairs

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by THE EDITORIAL BOARD

The staff of The Fishwrapper has been on strike since Oct 12, refusing to write (although at peak production, they only write one article every two months), design graphics, or change the font on the website for the fifth time. They cited poor working conditions (no heating at the meeting place) and low (zero) pay....



Woman Mugged on The Ave in Plain Daylight, Points Finger at Notify.UW

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by Charlotte Houston

UW SEATTLE — The UW police department sent out a “Notification of Criminal Incident” reporting a mugging on the Ave at an unusual time last Tuesday.

The alert read:

On Tuesday, March 26, 2019, around 1:15 PM, a woman reported being mugged in the area of University Way and 41st Avenue NE. Her backpack was stolen right off her shoulders....


Ghosts in Haggett, McMahon Upset About North Campus Renovation Plans

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by ARTHUR MILANI

Following a budget-induced delay in the demolition of Haggett Hall, University of Washington Housing and Food Services (HFS) commissioned a small team of local mediums to interview the ghosts that haunt Haggett and McMahon Halls about the plans to modernize North Campus. The spirit body overwhelmingly disapproved of the impending changes, mediums reported Tuesday....


College Republicans Counter Low Turnout With Mannequins

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

Following a record-low number of new recruits on the first day of the Registered Student Organization (RSO) Fair at the beginning of the year, the College Republicans have resorted to using mannequins elaborately decorated in club merchandise to pad their member count during recruitment on the second day of the Fair....


Report: Seattle Blackberry Bushes Play Defense in Sizeism Scandal

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Loved by some, despised by most, Seattle’s invasive blackberry bushes are ripe with sweet, saccharine little berries — and controversy.

Seattle’s Rubus ursinus are the centerpiece in a lawsuit filed against the city of Seattle: Ali, Jacobs, Mueller, Schmidt, & Carol v. City of Seattle. The prosecuting party, two men and three women of heights ranging from 5’1” to 5’5”, claim that the blackberry bushes produce berries in such a way that is inaccessible for those of small stature, perpetuating sizeism already built into the structure of the urban landscape....


Seattle Student Begins Move-Out Process 2 Months Early Rather Than Confronting Shitty Subletter

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UW sophomore Harley Jackson decided last Tuesday that rather than confront her exceptionally shitty subletting roommate about all of the ways in which that subletting roommate is truly, honest to god, so very terrible, Jackson made a firm decision to begin inconspicuously moving out of her apartment two months before her lease was up. Jackson cited jarring and unmuted 8 am guitar playing, painful 7 am cat predation, memorably unpleasant aroma, cat litter carpeting of the hardwood floors, absence of personal boundaries, questionable values, awkward advances, and a steady stream of characters flowing in and out of her shared room as a sample of the reasons for Jackson’s decision....


UW Free & For Sale Facebook Page Bans the Sale of Anything Other than Absolutely Useless Shit

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

On Saturday, a post in the UW Free & For Sale page incited controversy that lead to sweeping new regulations over the kinds of things people should be able to sell on the page.

“Hey, so this page should only be for selling stuff that absolutely no one could possibly want,” read one of the many comments on the post that has now been reported and deleted. The seller in question attempted to pawn his lightly used bike for a reasonable price....


White Female Student Calls UWPD on Group of Black Male Students Playing Spikeball in the Quad

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM AND CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

University of Washington Seattle — UWPD responded to a call made by UW senior Jessica Stanhold last Tuesday. The distressed white female student reported a “threatening group of men” engaging in “really aggressive” behavior in a tight-knit circle in the Quad.

When UWPD arrived, Stanhold immediately began to cry, whimpering, “Thank god you’re here. I’ve been waiting literally forever — they’ve been so mean. I was so scared.” In her account of the event, Stanhold claimed that a black student in the group had told her to move out of the way, which “really hurt,” and that the group had threatened her with some kind of weapon called a “spike, which I assume is urban talk for something nasty.” According to Stanhold, another also told her that she was being racist, which Stanhold called “bullying” and “brutish.”...


UW Out-Of-State Student Finally Adjusts to Seattle Freeze, Goes on Hike, Is Socially Overwhelmed

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

University of Washington sophomore and Seattle transplant Peter Singh is suing the Washington Trails Association (WTA) after suffering severe emotional distress on a local hike last Tuesday. Singh was confronted with two years’ worth of social interaction in one afternoon, and having adjusted to the notorious “Seattle Freeze,” the UW student was left wholly unprepared for the hike, rated “easy to moderate” on the WTA page. Singh claims that in fact, the hike ought to either be rated “difficult” or have warnings listed to inform potential hikers of social injuries which could befall them....


Shrine to Elon Musk Found in Basement of Computer Science and Engineering Building

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

UW janitors cleaning the Paul G. Allen Center for Computer Science and Engineering (CSE) made a grisly discovery last week. At the end of a rarely used basement hallway, staff found what appears to be a shrine dedicated to SpaceX CEO Elon Musk.

The shrine featured a 3D-printed bowl which leaked a “foul smelling” combination of what was found to be Soylent and Monster before a photo of the Tesla co-founder. Also present were piles of printed code, which even experts considered indecipherable....


UW President Ana Mari Cauce Makes Counteroffer in Light of TA Strike: “You can take cash tips.”

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM AND ALYSON PODESTA

University of Washington – UW President Ana Mari Cauce addressed the university’s student employee body on Wednesday, proposing a new counteroffer during continued contract negotiations. “The UW prides itself on its equity, inclusion, and fair practices. That’s why we’re with you. On your side. Regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, class, or religion, everyone can take advantage of the beauty that is our capitalist system. In line with these pillars of Husky doctrine, you may now accept tips. This is a major win for you kids, you know.”...



Stupid Girl Thinks She Knows When Her Midterm Is, Doesn’t

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON — In a surprising development, university sources have found that The Fishwrapper Editor-in-Chief and local stupid girl Elle Bernbaum can’t distinguish the accurate date of her Particles and Symmetries midterm from her own ass. “I knew something was off when she met us with a casual, ‘Hey y’all’ during lecture the day before and wanted to do the homework instead of studying,” said classmate Cole MacCulloch, who had come to the shaky conclusion that Bernbaum must have been feeling confident about the test. “I should have known. It’s not her way.” Investigators have determined that the haphazardly wired garbage storage system she’s using as a brain is at fault. “It seems the date, although clearly written in her notebook, got lost en route from her optic nerve to what’s left of her flailing medial temporal lobe,” said investigator Jean Carraway. “This technology is from the ‘90s — of course it’s failing. I personally use a MacBook Surface Pro, and I recommend it to all analog dinosaurs like Bernbaum.”...


UW Resilience Lab Holds Workshop for Failing Forward in Red Square When It’s Raining

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UW Resilience Lab held a workshop on March 30 in Kane Hall to address, respect, and overcome the challenges that so many Huskies face crossing Red Square in the rain. “Falling on your ass time and time again takes an emotional toll, and that burden must be named,” explained the organizer of the event, Moon Stephens. “We embrace failure as a necessary step in learning, but we also acknowledge the emotional impact failure has on all of us.”...


Area Man Has Watched all of Rick and Morty, Is Smarter than You

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by RICKY SPAULDING AND ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“It’s actually so well done,” says Peter Davis, a University of Washington Junior who is confident that you will be skeptical because of the show’s animated format and goofy humor. “Like, obviously it’s really out there, but the writing is amazing. It gets so dark.” Davis goes on to explain that Rick is a complex anti-hero whose character is both abhorrent and sympathetic, using the words, “compelling,” “nuanced,” and “actually” several times for emphasis. “It’s cool because it’s like very meta,” he claims, before detailing the show’s profound self-awareness with passionate verbal synopses of several episodes. Still talking at press time, Davis insists that “it’s one of those shows that really demands a lot of perceptive thought. Like, on the surface, it’s really goofy, but it gets away with it because on a deeper level, it delves into some really heavy, philosophical concepts.” Pressed on the philosophy of the show, Davis explains, “It’s amazing. They talk about like mortality and the meaning of life… but in like a very nuanced and meaningful way. It’s all about nihilism, and godlessness, and do you know Camus? You should look up Camus. Dan Harmon is definitely an absurdist. And, I can’t believe McDonalds is actually bringing back Szechuan Sauce. I’m really excited to try it, but also, of course they would try to capitalize off of messaging that like doesn’t at all support their system of production. You know? You kind of just have to watch the show to get it.”...


Female Professor with 30 Years of Experience in Her Field Realizes She Knows Nothing and Boy Student Knows Everything

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

U-DISTRICT, SEATTLE – Confirming that the sophomore has now referenced every new concept to which he’s been exposed in his first two weeks working in materials lab, sources report that local male peer Evan Peterson has confidently asked his female professor yet another question beginning with, “But have you considered . . . ” Sources cite that by all accounts, plans of thoroughly impressing all of the class and illustrating that he and the professor of 20 years are “intellectual equals when it comes to this stuff” were brought to life when Peterson loudly and authoritatively spoke his mind last Tuesday. Working in as many SAT prep words as he could recall in comfortable recline, Peterson showed that he’s special and knowledgeable....


Cauce Announces New “Pepper Spray for Boundless Seagulls” in Suzzallo and Odegaard Library Vending Machines

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Vending machines in Suzzallo and Ode will soon offer pepper spray for boundless birds, according to a statement released by President Ana Mari Cauce. The move came in response to the violent and bloody attack of freshman Katie Thomson by a wild-eyed seagull in Red Square.

Thomson reportedly saw the bird eyeing her Moto Surf mac ‘n’ cheese hungrily, and thought it acceptable and generous to offer the bird a noodle. “After that, everything changed,” said Thomson, recalling the attack in an interview later. “First, it wouldn’t break eye contact. It started salivating. Drips of mayo and spit fell from its beak as it stepped closer, hungry, or thirsty—bloodthirsty. It took another step my way. I kept an eye on it and took another bite. It stepped closer again. And closer.” The crazed bird, which behaved fairly normally for the UW species of gull, then proceeded to assault Thomson, allegedly “picking at my hands with its beak until I gave up my fork,” which it then kicked aside in its aggressively face-first pursuit of the macaroni dish. Four minutes later, the gull departed, head fully coated in mayonnaise and shredded carrot, with designs to plunder and terrorize another student by The Sunrise Griddle. After suffering injuries amounting to bloodied and bruised hands and a hardened heart, Thomson called her financially healthy parents, who then pressured Cauce to make progress to right this egregious wrong....