Politics

Bezos Builds Ball Before Bringing Back UW Students

by CALDER STENN

While millionaires all over the world jump-start nationwide fundraisers or donate their money toward food drives, Bezos has higher aspirations—aspirations which will involve lots of pentagons. As of whatever day it is now, Bezos has announced the construction of three Amazon spheres in preparation for University of Washington’s 2021 winter quarter. However, the balls have received some pushback, specifically for their names and potential environmental concerns....



Senate Republicans Considering “Weekend at Bernie’s” Routine Following Trump Diagnosis

by NORA FOSSENIER

In the wake of Donald Trump’s COVID-19 diagnosis and subsequent stay in Walter Reed hospital, Republican officials have been scrambling for a solution in the case that his symptoms worsen again. This week, senators finally revealed Operation: Puppet President, a plan in which Trump will be assisted at important meetings and press conferences by aides supporting either side of his body....


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Arts & Culture

The Hustle: An Expert’s Guide to JV Lacrosse

by BEN OLSON

Klyde K. Kyleson is a Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist, achieving a multitude of records in his short career as a writer. His new book, The Hustle, is a prolific guide on an emerging field in sports. Watched by dozens of players’ families who don’t want to be there, high school junior varsity lacrosse is becoming the new sport for mass entertainment....


Seeking Companionship? Domesticate the Rats!

by RUBY HARLIN

Animal shelters are reporting record adoption rates during quarantine, to the point that some have even run out of pets to adopt. Although this is great news for the otherwise-homeless pets, folks in search of companionship during quarantine are out of luck. Disappointed that you can’t have a fuzzy friend for these lonely times? Here’s an alternative! Let’s make use of those rats in your vents that the building manager refuses to acknowledge—let’s turn those pests into pets!...


10 Cheap & Easy Mother’s Day Gift Ideas

by THE WRITERS

Mother’s Day is right around the corner! This may come as a surprise because time doesn’t feel real and mentally it is still spring break. Have you purchased a gift? Have you spent the obligatory $20 on a disappointing, impersonal present? Are you prepared to show your mother how much you love her in the form of a material object that commodifies your relationship? If not, The Fishwrapper has you covered! We have compiled a list of low-budget gift options and alternatives that your mother is sure to adore....


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Local

UW Student Frustrated by “Annoyingly Chill” RA

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by NORA FOSSENIER

Over the past few months, there have been recent reports that one-sided tensions have been bubbling on the fourth floor of South McMahon. The primary source is freshman Owen McClair, who claims he is facing the “very real” problem of dealing with an “irritatingly understanding and helpful” resident advisor (RA) on his floor....



Infinite Timeline

A collaborative story produced by readers like you.

There once was a fish

with a name that's quite hard to pronounce given that it belongs to another language and all, but for our purposes, we'll call him Alvin.

The one and only fact that Alvin knew with certainty: he hated every part of his Neptune-damned life.

Alvin was a very intelligent fish, at least by fish standards (and his own). As such, he spent most of his time correcting people's OBVIOUS grammar mistakes on their social media posts.

Unfortunately, this activity tended to make Alvin quite angry and miserable, but ever since he had been laid off from his job as editor of the local newspaper he had been unable to think of a better way to spend his time.

Alvin grew weary by the day. He found salvation and creative expression when he learned to play the conch with a local surf rock band. They smoked a lot of seaweed and experienced great success... until news surfaced about their bassist, a racist bass.

Alvin already thought poorly of the bassist because of his improper use of possessives in his Instagram captions, but the racism really pushed him over the edge.

8 Passive-Aggressive Ways to Persuade Your Roommates to be Anywhere But Home

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by EMILY VAUGHAN

Are you an extroverted introvert who just wants some quiet alone time in the comfort of your own space? Are you bothered by the presence of other humans in your home, despite the fact that you willingly decided to move in with them? Are you secretly wishing said humans would study abroad and leave you in peaceful, pleasant solitude for 10 weeks? Have you contemplated changing the locks while they were in class and ignoring their confused and angry texts when they can’t get inside?...



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