“Man with Declining Cognitive Function” Profile KILLING It in the Polls

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM
Published: April 1, 2020
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Created by Katrina Filer

The Nation knows what it wants, and it made itself heard last week when it hobbled to the polls.

“If I don’t see wrinkles, white hair, and age spots behind that podium come inauguration, there’s gon’ be hell to pay,” it grumpily warned last Super Tuesday, moments before settling down for a bowl of lukewarm Malt O’ Meal.

The Nation went on to raspily mumble, “I want at least two visible sites of recently removed precancerous skin up there representing me, and if there aren’t at least six places in that acceptance speech where I feel utterly lost, well...I just won’t know what I’ll do with myself.”

News of the Nation’s age preferences comes on the coattails of other recently whispered comments like “Women and young people are good! We know that. Shucks, it’s the 21st century!” All the same, however, according to the Nation, “there’s just nothin’ like an old man.”

While the tendency to continue assigning the position of head of state to a penis-endowed person is a much anticipated American tradition, these newly-made comments suggest an additional proclivity toward the mothball-scented type.

“I want to see myself in my representative,” the Nation has sourly lamented through dentured teeth. “I want to see.” (The cataracts have made that hard.)

In light of this information, pollsters at The Fishwrapper project that a candidate fitting the “man with declining cognitive function” profile will win the 2020 election.