8 Passive-Aggressive Ways to Persuade Your Roommates to be Anywhere But Home

by EMILY VAUGHAN
Published: April 1, 2020
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Created by Emily Vaughan

Are you an extroverted introvert who just wants some quiet alone time in the comfort of your own space? Are you bothered by the presence of other humans in your home, despite the fact that you willingly decided to move in with them? Are you secretly wishing said humans would study abroad and leave you in peaceful, pleasant solitude for 10 weeks? Have you contemplated changing the locks while they were in class and ignoring their confused and angry texts when they can’t get inside?

If you feel that reading the previous paragraph was like reading your own diary, look no further— here are eight fool-proof ways to subtly persuade your roommates to spend as much time as possible anywhere but the apartment you all share and pay for equally.

  1. Shave your chest/legs/pits/head/anywhere hair grows in the middle of the bathroom and don’t bother to clean up. Do it while the bathroom is in use to “cultivate a sense of community.”

  2. Take all phone calls between the hours of 11 pm and 2 am. Use speaker phone whenever possible.

  1. Host multiple study groups per week, and never let your roommates know ahead of time. Insist on receiving at least 2 days notice from your roommates in case they would like to do the same. Double standards are the secret ingredient in your “Foment Discord” pie.

  2. Get a cat. Let it run free.

  3. Be the first to shower, and make it last for at least 45 minutes. Use as much hot water as you can physically stand. Be sure to follow up with an extensive skin-care/moisturizing/meditating/stretching routine post-shower. Aim for about 80 minutes in the bathroom.

  4. Learn to play the trumpet. Practice frequently.

  5. Cook multi-course, labor-intensive, time-consuming meals for one at peak dinner hours. Set off the smoke detector at least once per course. Look irritated when someone enters the kitchen. God, can’t they see you’re cooking in there? (Bonus Tip: Leave your unclean dishes as a present for your roommates. It’s a display of your dominance.)

  6. Use all of the stone ground mustard in the fridge. From any bottle you want. If your roommate Sara tells you that it’s not your stone ground mustard, insist that it is your stone ground mustard; you love this flavor of mustard, and you specifically remember putting it on the lower shelf of the fridge door, and they should shove it. If your roommate turns over the bottle and shows you their initials printed on the bottom, say “Oh, I have the exact same bottle. Oops.” Keep using the stone ground mustard.