American Patriot Sniffles Through Tears as He Remembers Working Out With the Boys, Talking About Girls, Throwing Back Beers with Tobin, and Going to Church on Sundays

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM
Published: October 5, 2018
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Created by Isabel Campisteguy, Courtesy of Shutterstock, DudePerfect, Erin Schaff, and Jacquelyn Martin via AP Photo

Regaling a group of eagerly listening old men with tales of lifting iron with the great high school quarterback, Tobin, a national patriot recalls life back when it was great; back when he was a king. The recollection was released on YouTube last Tuesday.

In the video, the patriot recalls playing local basketball games on cool summer nights, working out for the upcoming football season at Tobin’s, drinking lagers, drinking pale ales, drinking ciders, hanging out with Varsity girls, drinking porters, popping back brewskies, going to church on Sundays, and remaining a proud virgin.

“Back then,” recalled the patriot, “you could try and fail to fuck a girl without her consent and maintain pride in your Catholic purity, and people wouldn’t make such a big deal about it.”