Analyst Projects UW Will Reopen As a Thriving Business Following Spring Break Closures

Published: March 30, 2019
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After analysis of the University of Washington’s 2019 winter quarter, business analyst Jennifer Nguyen has projected that UW Seattle will reopen with high profits, healthy business prospects, and a beaming Board of Directors (Regents) following its spring break closures.

Nguyen explains that her conclusions are based on an examination of a number of criteria, including but not limited to ignored demands for campus improvements, gummy bear type and distribution, and the Board of Directors’ recent decision to begin production of Husky brand credit cards, soon to be nearly the only form of payment accepted on campus.

Regarding dismissed calls for campus improvements, President/CEO Ana Mari Cauce has been a longtime target of censure for UW’s high housing and campus food prices, mass firing of workers to cut costs, and failure to invest in necessary renovations for facilities in humanities departments.

Masses of students, teachers’ assistants, and professors alike have made ignored requests for improvements to infrastructure in particular, demanding earthquake-safe buildings, asbestos-free walls, and fixing the toilet in the music building that has been clogged for at least three months.

Per Nguyen, Cauce's prudent business savvy and lack of response to the aforementioned demands draws parallels with famed UW icon, Nike, and suggests an encouraging future for the Nike wannabe’s market growth.

In addition to its nonchalant side-stepping around plans for future renovation, another significant indicator of the university’s rise to business prowess is its aggressive sprint toward a Dali-like student reality with UW-exclusive currency. Nguyen explains, “UW’s Board of Directors plans on releasing its first Husky-brand credit card akin to the Housing & Food Services (HFS) card, but for students, alumni, and visitors who do not live in residence halls. Like the HFS Husky cards, these credit cards can only be used on campus, but unlike the Husky cards, they have exorbitantly high interest rates. With their introduction, UW services will stop accepting any other type of credit or debit card including Visa and Mastercards.”

According to Nguyen, this will not only significantly increase profits, but it will also boost UW's image as one of the "classiest little MNCs around," which is certainly attractive for potential diamond-clad, Champagne-sipping stockholders, some of whom Cauce is already courting. Favorites considering investment in the business — university — like Jordan Belfort and Jay Gatsby have already visited the Seattle campus and "thoroughly enjoyed the experience, old sport."

“Of course,” Nguyen noted in her interview with The Fishwrapper, “any amateur economist could have seen this coming months, perhaps years ago. For some time now, HFS has had its own brand of gummy huskies called "Wanderlust Delights," and that’s really the only information anyone needs to make this projection.”

Junior economics major Dan Doyle, who has loudly applauded Nguyen's projection, exemplifies her claim. In an interview with The Fishwrapper, Doyle explained, “I noticed UW’s branding of gummy bears the other day in Parnassus, and I thought to myself, 'When HFS starts creating its own brand of gummy bears' — sorry, gummy huskies — 'and it’s called "Wanderlust Delights," you know it’s the end. Gentrification achieved. All signs point to Doomsday.' Does Jennifer anticipate an impending cloud of locusts too? I’ve been waiting for those for a while.”

Ms. Nguyen has not voiced that concern to The Fishwrapper, but of course, it is quite probable.