Analysts Conclude Suburbia Rabbit Mr. Puddles is More Food Secure, Healthier, Happier Than Majority of World’s Humans

Published: April 28, 2018
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Courtesy of Cole MacCulloch

“Mr. Puddles gets a handful of strawberries and a little bag of kale every day,” says Suburbia Mom Janelle Kendell of her free-as-a-bird, no worries, whistling, skipping, hopping rabbit Mr. Puddles. “We don’t believe that just because Mr. Puddles isn’t human, he shouldn’t be loved, cared for, or given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day,” says Kendell, whose rabbit is loved, cared for, and given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day precisely because it is not human.

Applying metrics including physical health, positive environment, psychological wellbeing, and history of trauma, analysts from the University of Washington Seattle have determined that Mr. Puddles has in fact lived a more pleasant life in its short three months on Earth than at least 80% of the world’s human population ever will. Analyst and historian Erin Hart points to cuteness for causality. “We’ve known for some time now that poverty exists because humans just aren’t all that cute,” remarks Hart.

In strong and unknowing support of this argument, Kendell confirms, “we have to take care of the animals on this planet. This garbage about how animals don’t think or feel is just that—garbage! It’s a concept that humans created and supported to serve themselves! If you see a fuzzy wittle [little] animal as an unfeeling lump of meat or a machine, it’s easier to exploit it. That’s the problem with people today—they’re morally corrupt,” says Kendell in her primary criticism of all of humanity (which is also responsible for other big hits such as global human poverty, mass human death by hunger, slavery and exploitation of millions of humans for profit, and the Holocaust). “[Mr. Puddles] deserves everything he wants in this world, that cuddly little poof.”