Bird that Landed on Bernie Sanders’ Podium Now Regrets Not Choosing the Establishment Candidate, but at the Time “Didn’t Believe Trump Could Really Win.”

Published: Feb. 27, 2018
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Created by Isabel Campisteguy and Elizabeth Bernbaum, Courtesy of "Back Yard Biology"

Claiming that it was “swept up in the revolutionary sentiment of [Bernie Sanders’s] campaign,” the bird that landed on Sanders’s podium at a campaign rally in Portland, Oregon, is now expressing remorse for supporting the “grassroots socialist fantasy” Bernie promised. “I guess at the time I didn’t believe Trump could really win,” the small bird lamented during an exclusive interview with this reporter last week, “but now that he has, it’s obvious to me that if we’d all supported Hillary [Clinton] from the start, we might have avoided this whole shitshow.” The bird expressed some lingering reservations about Clinton’s “Wall Street ties” and “the whole email thing” (both of which the bird was unable to elaborate on when pressed), but stated that ultimately, “anything would be better than what we ended up with. Anyway, it certainly makes me miss Obama. Did you know that under the AHCA, ‘being a bird’ is a preexisting condition? I have hollow bones, there’s like five cats in my neighborhood, and now I can’t get health insurance? I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.”