Breaking: Chinese Emperor Xi Jinping Is Young and Powerful, and You’re Gonna Love Him
by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM
Published: Feb. 27, 2018
Created by Isabel Campisteguy and Elizabeth Bernbaum, Courtesy of Winniepedia
Straying from standard reactions to insecurities relating to age and Winnie the Pooh likeness, newly-dubbed Chinese Emperor Xi Jinping announced on Sunday that he has not only decided to live forever, but to rule forever. Xi did so after arriving at a news conference on his newly purchased, flame-painted Harley. Vice reports that he was sporting a new and splendid nose ring and leather jacket, a look reminiscent of the bad boy in that one Lana del Rey video. After wiping the last drops of water harvested from the domestically manufactured Fountain of Youth from his lips, Emperor Xi reportedly assured the Chinese people that he will “rule with a benevolent yet firm hand in addition to a legion of workers tasked with censoring every comment relating to imperial crows’ feet or general opinion that is not a reflection of unyielding awe and wide-eyed admiration for me." Although initially unsure, translators later confirmed that Emperor Xi’s speech to the nation ended with “I don’t give a damn. I’m gonna live forever. I’m staying, I’m staying. And you, you’re gonna love me.”
Reports later identified North Korean Emperor Kim Jong-un delivering a string bean casserole to Jinping’s residence as a welcoming gift.