Breaking: Trump Compares Yet Another School Shooting to That Email We’ve All Been Avoiding for Months

Published: May 18, 2018
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Courtesy of Elizabeth Bernbaum

In the wake of Friday’s school shooting in Santa Fe, TX, which left at least 8 dead, the third of its kind in the past eight days, President Donald Trump offered his condolences.

“This has been going on too long in our country. Too many years. Too many decades now,” he said in a press conference. “It’s a very tough topic to talk about. Very tough, especially for me. You people — I’ve got something that will help you understand this a little bit, how it works here — you people know that email that you’ve been avoiding replying to for ages? Ages. Like, it’s been so long, that now, it feels like it’s not right to respond anymore? That’s what gun control is for people in this business, and now I’m in this business, so that’s what it is for me.”

Trump’s comparison invited immediate sympathy from millennials everywhere.

“There’s a cat video from my grandma that’s been sitting in my Facebook messenger for at least six months,” Seattle local Jack Little commented with a wince of guilt. “All it would take is a cursory ‘aw!’, but even that feels like an impossible hurdle at this point. If gun control is Trump’s cat video from Grandma, I guess I get it.”

“As soon as Trump connected the thousands of violent, needless deaths to that little red notification that sits in the corner of my home screen, I got it,” agreed Little’s girlfriend Sonora White. “That shit’s impossible to deal with after awhile.”

Citizens are left feeling utmost sympathy for and unprecedented relatability to the president, who could very easily take steps to prevent future mass shootings simply by ending his campaign to financially undermine the background-check system — or, by providing greater support and encouragement for prominent GOP senators to get their heads out of their asses. Like Trump said, “It’s really been so long that it’s just kind of awkward now.”

“I think all we can do at this point is keep talking about it,” concluded Trump at the end of the press conference, priming the American people for the next three days of nonstop gun control dialogue on major media platforms and zero gun regulation legislation.