Burck Reclassifies Millions of Documents as Confidential, Including the Constitution and Bill of Rights

Published: October 6, 2018
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Bill Burck, the Bush administration White House lawyer in charge of classifying documents for the Kavanaugh hearing, reclassified millions of additional documents as confidential on Friday. Such documents include the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, Burck's grocery list, drafts of Trump's tweets, and Kavanaugh's Fantasy Football lineup.

Typically, the National Archives would be tasked with document classification efforts, but the sheer volume of documents relating to Kavanaugh’s professional career and the refusal of Congressional Republicans to delay the date of the Kavanaugh hearing has necessitated the use of the foxy glamour-puss, Bill Burck. Congressional Democrats have decried the unprecedented procedure, questioning the validity and authority granted to mystery man Burck, all the while secretly playing Marry Fuck Kill (MFK) with him, Kavanaugh, and Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Charles Grassley (R-Iowa). Most Democrats deemed Burck “most fuckable” because he’s “just so mysterious. Literally, no one in the judiciary committee knows anything about him. Mmmm.”

Burck has in large part been silent both with regard to document classifications and MFK determinations, however, he broke his silence in an interview with The Fishwrapper last Friday, shortly after reclassifying the Constitution and Bill of Rights as confidential.

In the interview, Burck commented on his criteria for classification. Burck remarked, “You know, this really isn’t controversial. It’s not. These aren’t documents relevant to this hearing, nor are they documents that anyone really needs to know about at all. In fact, the more the American people don't know, the better. They just muck it all up. We don't need mob rule in this country. We need law and order, and good men like Kavanaugh to protect that law and order. When challenged by our reporter, who pointed out that in fact, the Constitution and Bill of Rights are public and not under the umbrella of documentation Burck has been given authority to make confidential, Burck replied, “Hogwash,” spat on the floor, and left the room, reinforcing his gruff, irresistibly enigmatic persona. Democrats and The Fishwrapper staff agree, fuck Burck.