Cauce Announces New “Pepper Spray for Boundless Seagulls” in Suzzallo and Odegaard Library Vending Machines

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM
Published: March 10, 2018
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Photo taken shortly before the attack. Courtesy of Elizabeth Bernbaum

Vending machines in Suzzallo and Ode will soon offer pepper spray for boundless birds, according to a statement released by President Ana Mari Cauce. The move came in response to the violent and bloody attack of freshman Katie Thomson by a wild-eyed seagull in Red Square.

Thomson reportedly saw the bird eyeing her Moto Surf mac ‘n’ cheese hungrily, and thought it acceptable and generous to offer the bird a noodle. “After that, everything changed,” said Thomson, recalling the attack in an interview later. “First, it wouldn’t break eye contact. It started salivating. Drips of mayo and spit fell from its beak as it stepped closer, hungry, or thirsty—bloodthirsty. It took another step my way. I kept an eye on it and took another bite. It stepped closer again. And closer.” The crazed bird, which behaved fairly normally for the UW species of gull, then proceeded to assault Thomson, allegedly “picking at my hands with its beak until I gave up my fork,” which it then kicked aside in its aggressively face-first pursuit of the macaroni dish. Four minutes later, the gull departed, head fully coated in mayonnaise and shredded carrot, with designs to plunder and terrorize another student by The Sunrise Griddle. After suffering injuries amounting to bloodied and bruised hands and a hardened heart, Thomson called her financially healthy parents, who then pressured Cauce to make progress to right this egregious wrong.

Correction: According to another campus news source, Cauce received similar complaints about non-verbal microaggressions made by geese near Drumheller, which sources suggest also influenced Cauce's decision to increase safety measures against UW wildlife.