College Republicans Counter Low Turnout With Mannequins

by SOPHIE AANERUD
Published: October 12, 2018
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Created by Kevin Gladwell, Courtesy of Brida Staright via PixaBay

Following a record-low number of new recruits on the first day of the Registered Student Organization (RSO) Fair at the beginning of the year, the College Republicans have resorted to using mannequins elaborately decorated in club merchandise to pad their member count during recruitment on the second day of the Fair.

“I really don’t get why we failed to draw more people to our booth,” club member Erik Johnson reflected in an interview with a reporter from The Fishwrapper. “We thought the ‘socialism sucks’ sign and anti-immigrant rhetoric would really attract the students of a liberal public university with a sizeable international population. Maybe they just didn’t see us.”

Despite dismal turnout, club members were unfazed. To create a larger crowd for rallies and recruitment (and put to use the hundreds of “MAGA” hats, T-shirts, and pins which the club had intended to offer to prospective members), College Republicans launched a bold project, one which could only have been devised by those with “large a-brains.”

“We call them our ‘silent majority,’” explained club vice-president Dick Lee, as he gestured to over 20 male mannequins sporting red hats and shirts featuring slogans such as “Women Against Abortion” and “Blacks for Trump.” “They represent the majority of Americans out there, working their butts off, totally under-represented on Netflix, who agree with our views as well as those of President Trump.”

When the Fishwrapper reporter mentioned that Trump in fact did not win the majority of votes, Lee uttered something about liberal news media then proceeded to dive into the sea of mannequins behind him.

The “silent majority” has thus far only been used at one event (a Patriot Prayer-inspired rally held on Red Square behind the Moto-surf food truck), but the cardboard conglomerate has nonetheless already received hugely positive reviews by passing students, with one anonymous sophomore noting,“The College Republicans seem different . . . refreshingly polite and quiet.”

Concern remains, however, that these new silent recruits will soon become rowdy seeing, as one anonymous professor put it: “You really can’t be a College Republican if you aren’t obnoxious as hell, can you?”