Conservative German Minister of Interior Preemptively Changes Party Logo to Swastika in an Attempt to Sway Far-Right Voters

by SONALI BEHER
Published: April 21, 2018
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Created by Kevin Gladwell, Courtesy of Sven Hoppe via Picture Alliance

BERLIN – Horst Seehofer, newly elected German Minister of the Interior, has announced on Monday that he will add a swastika to the blue lettering of his party’s acronym, the Christian Social Union, in an attempt to outrun Germany’s far-right party, the AfD.

“It would fit best next to the Christian C, I think,” Seehofer told an aide who presented him with a first draft of the altered logo, when reporters from The Fishwrapper met him earlier this week.

“We need to get the voters’ trust back. We need to be one step ahead of the AfD. We cannot let these irrational neo-Nazis divide our country,” Seehofer explained while trying to squeeze into a SS-uniform he bought off of eBay that morning (“Just to see if it fits me, that’s all. You know, for Halloween or something”).

The Minister’s decision follows his increasingly anti-Muslim rhetoric and anti-refugee policy proposals over the past six months. In the country’s recent general election, the AfD gained 13% of the votes and has thus become Germany’s biggest party in the opposition – a result that shook establishment politicians such as the self-proclaimed conservative: “It was like Freaky Friday,” the 69-year-old and devoted Lindsay Lohan fan remembered sadly, “All these years we get criticized for being racist, and then all of a sudden, we’re not racist enough?”

According to a party insider, further steps to appeal to the AfD’s base includes the cultural re-emphasis of German as a violent language that is better screamed than spoken as well as a law that prohibits men from shaving the centre part of their mustache during one month every year – also known as “Adolf August”.

In addition, Seehofer has reportedly been contemplating the implementation of a state force to meet the far-right supporters concerns about the incoming refugees. “There is nothing to worry about, though,” the Bavarian assured, “It’s just a standard task force that is patrolling to make sure every neighborhood is safe.” The name of the force will thus be the Refugee Stabilising Police. “Restapo for short,” as Seehofer proudly revealed, “I thought of that myself.”

While these measures might be criticised by the “blind” left, the Minister considers them a necessity: “This is the only way to weaken the AfD and show the world that Germany will never tolerate Nazis in its parliament again,” Seehofer explained to our reporters, before he eventually managed to squeeze into his brown uniform and, undecided, turned to his aide, wondering whether he can pull off an old rag like this. “It’s fashion,” his aide responded, “it always comes back.”