Four Easy Steps to Turn Your Professor into Your Valentine

by NORA FOSSENIER
Published: February 12, 2020
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Step One: Get Their Attention

Before you can even consider a romantic Valentine’s evening with Dr. Scrumptious, they first have to know you exist. The average Joe Lunchbucket might say “go to their office hours,” but what are you, some obsequious nerd? No.

Try a more unique option: send them an email stating that you have class during office hours and would like to meet another time. Make sure to schedule late in the evening in order to set a more romantic mood! Upon meeting, try to bring them a little token of your affection, such as a sandalwood-scented candle or bundle of daffodils, and emphasize “how desperately you’ve anticipated this rendezvous.”

Step Two: Declare Your Availability

Now that your tenured treasure recognizes you as a sentient being, they need to realize you are a single sentient being. Since you are still a student in your professor’s class, you may want to maintain a semblance of professionalism in this venture. And what’s more professional than a well-formatted email? For example, you can push the topic subtly by asking for an extension on your latest assignment, claiming that your motivation is low since “you’ve just been feeling so lonely in this season of love.”

Step Three: Spend More Time One-on-One

You’ve already done the ask-for-extra-office-hours trick, so now it’s time to give your brainy beau a fun surprise! As they get in their car to leave campus at the end of the day, run after them and jump in the passenger seat.

If they seem confused or perplexed, this is where you can get creative! Explain why you are in dire need of a ride home. Once you’re on your way, use this time to ask about their hobbies, area of study, childhood trauma, etcetera—you know, typical get-to-know-you stuff.

Step Three And a Half (Optional): Get Rid of Competition

Unfortunately, the problem with pursuing an aging paramour is that they may have already found some pesky partner their own age. If so, don’t despair! Here are a few tried and true methods to chase off any adversary:

  • Drop hints that you could treat them even better than their spouse of 25 years. Try quips like “if my date had chronic back pain, I would be more than happy to give them a vigorous massage!”

  • Show up to lecture as scantily clad as possible. Consider out-of-bedroom lingerie or possibly some nice leopard print spandex shorts. Sit in the front row and refuse to break eye contact for the entire 50 minutes. This will force them to notice how you’re way hotter than whatever rando 49 year old they’re seeing.

  • If all else fails, good ol’ fashioned black mail is always a solid way to keep a rival away from your learned love interest!

Step Four: MAKE YOUR MOVE!

Now that you’ve gotten to know your studious sweetheart and they can truly see what a catch you are, it’s time to pop the question. Try to get them alone as soon as you can before Valentine’s day arrives, perhaps by repeating step one or three. Once again, bring a gift in tow; once you’ve gotten this intimate, you can even graduate from cutesy symbols of love to certain “fun-oriented” drugs, like poppers or MDMA!

Then, all that’s left to do is say those words: “Will You, My Precious Dr. Delectable, Be My Valentine?” After they accept, you’re finally set for the Valentine’s day that you’ve both been dreaming of: basking in each other’s company over a candlelit dinner at the ritziest place their salary can afford, and then finishing the night by awkwardly fumbling through a sloppy sexual encounter in their 1993 Honda Civic.