In New Statement, Jeff Sessions Urges Nation to “Just Chill Out”

Published: March 4, 2018
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Created by Isabel Campisteguy, Courtesy of Gage Skidmore via Flickr

On Friday evening, Jeff Sessions called a press conference to discuss his shifting policy stance on the decriminalization of marijuana. After a delay of several minutes, he appeared behind the podium visibly chilled out. In a departure from traditional decorum, he wore Crocs and a T-shirt advertising the popular ska/punk group Sublime tucked into lime-colored board shorts, with an acoustic guitar slung across his chest. After noodling around with the chorus from “Santeria” for a few minutes, Sessions unfolded his new policy position. Citing recent research conducted by “the Jeffy-boi himself,” Sessions insisted that “a little sticky-icky never hurt anybody.” Further, he claimed that if we all “just chill out,” we’ll realize that “we all came from Mother Gaia after all, so let’s just vibe with each other and enjoy the fruits of her soils.” Pressed on his controversial support of debtor’s prisons, Sessions replied, “Maybe the real prison is our skewed perception of reality, ya know? Like do you ever feel like you’re just a spectator, and your body is like a viewing room for this inaccessible outside world?”

At press time, Sessions was asking around for “something chocolatey, but also like juicy? And at the same time salty? Can anyone make that happen for me?”