iPhone 10 Craze Hits Heaven in a Big Way

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM
Published: April 22, 2018
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Created by Isabel Campisteguy, Courtesy of Paul Mason via Pinterest

The big guy has finally dumped his age-old landline for the iPhone 10.

Sources up there report that for about three days after placing his order on Amazon Smile, the Lord Almighty walked around nudging people, and in a deep, ethereal baritone, would josh, “This thing is older than I am,” a classic Dad joke. Despite God’s cavalier attitude in public, he’s purportedly not nearly as chill in private, according to long-time friend and next-door neighbor, Gabriel. “He just goes on about that phone,” said Gabriel. “It’s been weeks of non-stop obsessing, and when the thing finally arrived, he lost his shit. Honestly, it’s not even that great of a phone, though. Like, there are so many flaws intentionally built into it, waiting to be discovered twelve months in, right after his warranty expires. It’s like he’s so excited about the aesthetic and new features that he’s totally blind to the fact that he got cheated.”

“I get it,” remarked “BFF” and neighbor across the street, Mohammed. “It’s just like when he got really into fidget spinners. It’s neat that he still gets so excited about this kind of stuff, being older than the known universe. I wish I still had that willingness to embrace the little things in life with such enthusiasm. He’s been wearing thick-rimmed glasses and growing out his hair for a man bun too. I think he’s found a culture that he really relates to, and I have to say, he pulls off the look really well. It would be nice if he spent some more time looking south of the equator, or maybe to the east? But what can I say, he’s been preoccupied, and those glasses do look really dope on him.”