Merry Capitalismus, From Our Family to Yours
by THE EDITORIAL BOARD
Published: December 25, 2018
Created by Kevin Gladwell, Courtesy of Loren Kerns
From our family to yours, Merry Capitalismus! This is what some of the gang has been up to:
Fishwrapper Capitalist (Treasurer) Sasha Jenkins has had a great year diligently collecting Silly Banz©️ and playing with her friends at Webkins.com. You can catch her online, Webkins username @sasha-webkins.
Web Editor Zane Littrell has passed another uneventful quarter at UW Tacoma. His only excitements have been the opportunity to explain the complexity and emotional depth of Bojack Horseman to unwilling listeners, as well as the joy of changing the font on The Fishwrapper’s website for the fifth time.
Editor-in-Chief Elizabeth Bernbaum is taking a three week break from her life, which is mostly writing satire as a coping mechanism and teaching The Fishwrapper’s Social Media Czar how to use Facebook. “I just want to, like, find myself,” the 22-year old has explained, scrolling through astrology posts on Instagram.
Co-Editor Alyson Podesta is still forming a one-person picket line outside Elle's place, continuing the strike against The Fishwrapper. Last anyone heard from her, she said, “As an English major, I'm practicing for when I have to go on strike when Starbucks refuses to raise my pay.”
Over winter break, Graphics Editor Kevin Gladwell will be pirating the latest version of Photoshop, because who is going to pay $1000 to make graphics? Certainly not Kevin.
Graphics Creator Jeremy Voss is up to the same old tricks. One fateful day in the Fall of 2017, in between classes and his 30th RSO meeting of the week, Jeremy began work on what he calls the “finest masterpiece of Fishwrapper graphic history.” Last quarter, on the one-year anniversary of the day he embarked upon his endeavor, while leading no less than seventeen RSOs and continuing involvement with dozens of others, Jeremy assured us, “the graphic is coming, so don’t worry. And no, I don’t have an RSO problem.” Jeremy cancels radio-silence to give The Fishwrapper quarterly assurances that despite his RSO involvements, the graphic is nearing completion and will embarrass inferior graphics everywhere. We are expecting the graphic any quarter now, and given the stupendous expectations which precede its arrival, it will surely attain newspaper immortality.
Taking advantage of the recent chilly weather, Reporter Arthur Milani has chosen to spend his time learning and perfecting the famed Wim Hof Method. Never heard of the Wim Hof Method? Well, you uncultured swine, the Wim Hof Method is one of the finest techniques for spending extended periods of time in ice baths. Arthur intends to use his new-found skills awing spectators at the Puget Sound new years Polar Bear Plunge (upon diving, he plans to spend an unfathomable 15 hours chilling with the octopi along the shores of Bainbridge island). So, if you're passing by any cold body of water this winter break, keep an eye out for Arthur: he's one cool fish.
For Reporter Zac Weiner, Autumn quarter at UW has brought major life changes. That is, he’s made a lot of changes to his hair. Following his journey to the Nepalese Himalayas in search of the perfect stress-defying zen state of curl, Zac returned to UW in late November with “mindfulness curlers” he bought from a helpful local salesman in an open market in Kathmandu. Since returning, he religiously curls his hair in hopes of mitigating flattening brought about by the treacherous stress chemical cortisol, his new greatest adversary. The soft lavender bristles of Zac’s curlers have given his hair new life and him something to live for. Now, over winter break, with confidence at an all-time high and stress at an all-time low, Zac has begun writing a book about the joys of bouncy hair, untroubled by cortisol or any of the other demons which may attempt to darken Zac’s rosy world (including oiliness, split ends, or dull character). Zac is very proud.
As head of a burgeoning business empire at UW, Fishwrapper Print Editor and Reporter Charlotte Houston spent the majority of this year "making money, taking names," as the old adage goes. When she wasn't busy eviscerating her not-so-distant counterparts, the “guiltless rich,” through satire in the award winning publication The Fishwrapper, Charlotte had plenty of other equally noble pursuits that occupied her time. With true corporate rancor (and a little bit of help from all of those tax breaks), she successfully fended off Jeff Bezos's repeated offers to purchase her coveted Opinion section in The Daily. God help us, Charlotte thought, if Bezos were to run her section the way he runs the Post. Democracy Thrives in Darkness, after all. Speaking of, Charlotte voted! Life is busy these days for the triple-threat CEO, undergrad, and media empress, and there was much speculation about whether or not she'd cast her ballot. As everyone knows, the weight of one's vote is equal to dollars in the bank: that put Charlotte's cumulative vote impact at around 400 bill (USD). All hail the Queen! Charlotte also never forgets, work hard, play hard. Charlotte purchased Bumbershoot this year, and changes are coming, people: CBD shots are now required upon entry! Millennials are moving in for the kill. [For all business inquires, please contact Charlotte's publicist: (696)-696-6969 ext. 420]
Life has been busy for the newest member the web development team, Jayla Deisler, too. Jayla has spent the last few months overcoming her very real fear of broccolini. In her final year at UW, Jayla hopes to name, grapple with, and eventually, triumph over all of her most impacting and limiting fears, of which, broccolini is the most tenacious – particularly broccolini which is not drowned in butter. Her fears of unpaired shoelaces, orange-purple cloth blends, star-shaped ice chunks, the word “chunks,” crippling uncertainty, and the smell of eucalyptus all made the list for this year. While her list is lengthy and no doubt challenging, having already conquered the unnaturally tall, stringy stalks of diseased broccoli that are broccolini, Jayla is well on her way to achieving her goal of being a well-rounded graduate with significant growth and depth. Exciting stuff!
Reporter Sophie Aanerud just had the best 2018 of her life. Aside from climbing trees to rescue kittens, freshmen, and other helpless animals — or whatever she does in her free time — Sophie also spent the year writing her ass off. She blew our minds with every article published in The Fishwrapper, The Daily, and especially in Indiana Review. Sophie will most likely continue impressing us next year by sharing more of her lucid and inspiring literary works, or perhaps she will move to Antarctica and start a band called The Frigid Phrygians. No matter what she decides to do next year, it will certainly be the best that anyone does in 2019.
It’s also been an exciting year for The Fishwrapper’s Social Media Czar, Jaime Brown! She kicked 2018 off with a bang when she published a viral Reddit conspiracy theory that Seattle’s Space Needle is actually an emergency rocket, to be used by the mayor to propel herself to safety when an earthquake inevitably shatters the downtown region. The post was so well-researched and well-written that many Seattleites stormed Seattle Center in an attempt to launch the rocket. Despite the success of her post, Jaime chose to remain anonymous and thus faced no legal retribution.The past year saw many other impressive accomplishments for Jaime, as well. Her social media prowess expanded as she bought The Fishwrapper 50 new Instagram followers, driving our follower count to a staggering 88. However, she chose to buy highly realistic bot followers, pushing the publication into debt and deterring our print publication to late fall quarter. In another turn of unfortunate events, many of the bots seem to favor Off Leash over The Fishwrapper, with only 20% of the followers liking our posts. Better luck in 2019, Jaime!
No one knows where the hell Foreign Correspondent Sonali Beher is – somewhere in some lazy, wine-drunk European state, we think. The same goes for Graphics Creator Isabel Campisteguy, who is in the state of Hawaii.