Newly Elected ASUW Heads Shocked to Learn that Win Does Not Make Them Feared, Loved, Or Even Known

Published: May 19, 2018
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Created by Isabel Campisteguy, Courtesy of Engage UW

University of Washington — After learning about their victory in the election for the Associated Students of the University of Washington (ASUW) on Friday, the newly elected Board of Directors were reportedly shocked when they were not met by a cheering crowd, as nobody on campus — literally, nobody — seemed to have ever heard their name.

The vote ended a campaign battle between the tickets “EngageUW” and “Huskies United,” which was only really noticed by the candidates themselves as well as students who had to dispose of the numerous stickers they had been handed in Red Square.

In a moment of moderate excitement, the presidential candidate Ritika Jain of EngageUW was elected into office with 58.4% of the vote — a result that initially prompted the ticket to be optimistic.

“We couldn’t believe it,” the new Director of Community Relations Gabby Rivera said excitedly. “That means, at least more than two people have voted. This is historic!”

Yet, when exiting the HUB, the team quickly realized that the crowd gathering outside of the building was thoroughly devoted to petting Dubs, the university’s mascot, instead of kneeling at the sight of UW’s new political elite.

“What are you doing?” the president-elect reportedly screamed at the crowd. “Why don’t you love me? I am your Khaleesi!”

Jain, whose first official act in office was to change her Facebook job description to “politician,” felt “betrayed,” given her political efforts:

“I have spent the whole week kissing babies in front of cameras and saying words like ‘inclusion’ and ‘cohesion’ — you know, these words that everyone likes but have no real meaning,” she argued. “What else is there to do?”

As a part of her strategic campaign path to victory, Jain had also made a concerted effort to relate to her fellow peers. Jain had begun every day of the past month walking through the Quad and shaking students’ hands — accompanied by a photographer. “The key to winning an election at UW,” the president revealed, “is to shake the hands of as many minorities as possible: black, Hispanic, gay, differently abled — the more marginalized the better!”

Having been involved in student politics for two years, the president-elect considers herself somewhat of a veteran: “I do sometimes walk through these halls and feel like John McCain.”

Since she is planning to run for “office off campus”, Jain was even happier about the election’s outcome: “I mean, President of ASUW and Senator are sort of the same job: It’s the same challenges, the same workload,” she explained. “And, just like sitting in Congress, people just deeply respect you.”