Profile: Who Was Jesus, Really?

by Elizabeth Bernbaum
Published: April 21, 2018
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Created by Jeremy Voss, Courtesy of Wikipedia

This year’s Easter Sunday inspired new interest from analysts across the nation to figure out what kind of guy Christ really was. Our reporters sat down with accredited historian Jared Inglemore to get the scoop.

Inglemore started us off with some background:

The Fishwrapper: So, tell us a little bit about Christ.

Inglemore: Well, as most know, he supposedly died one day and rose again three days later in a miraculous show of bodily control. He’ll really surprise you. He was also known to cure the blind and those with various other ailments in his freetime. That’s the stuff he puts on his resume. But also, like, the guy was never punctual. There’s a lot of documentation suggesting that he was always suuuper late to parties, but not just big parties — like hangouts too, even if he was supposed to bring the guac or some other essential food. He would just stroll in, hours late, smelling heavily of wine. But that’s not really his fault. The apple never falls far from the tree, ya know? The father wasn’t always around. Mary and Joseph were caring parents, but what Jesus really craved was the approval of his Father, and when he showed up, he liked to make an entrance too. The guy would either be centuries late or go way overboard with his “hello.” One time, the guy showed up with like hundreds of thousands of locusts, saying collecting was a new hobby he was trying out. Another time, he let millions of people across the globe be exploited and enslaved for hundreds of years before he even tried to do anything about it, and he still hasn’t really finished with that. Honestly, so typical. Like father, like son, I guess.

FW: Huh, Jesus had baggage too -- who knew? Can you tell us more about the more human side of Jesus?

I: Well, Jesus’s best friend when he was young was his little cat pal, Disciple McCute, and the name was really fitting. The little guy was absolutely adorable. And even though Jesus loved Disciple McCute, he hated cleaning up after him. Apparently once, Christ procrastinated and avoided cleaning up Disciple McCute’s hairball for so long, that he ended up fully mastering the art of necromancy and used it to raise some poor bastard in Nain.

FW: Well I can certainly relate to that. You're making him sound pretty lovable, but the guy must have had more serious flaws too, right? I mean, he was human after all. In fact, wasn’t this guy sort of a man of his time? He does seem to be a bit intolerant with respect to religious and sexual identities. Wasn’t he an outspoken anti-Semite and homophobe?

I: Right, that’s actually a bit of a common misconception. The guy was fine with Jews, being a Jew himself. People often misquote him saying “I don’t like the juice.” He was a picky eater, especially as a young child, and Mary could never get him to drink grape juice. Being quite mature for his age -- an old soul if you will -- he usually insisted that he was much more of a wine guy, and no one should have to endure the likes of juice, especially the kind with added calcium. Also, Jesus’s cat Disciple McCute was notoriously proud of his sexual orientation, taking lovers from every part of the sexual spectrum and often discussing the importance of shows like “Steven Universe.” Jesus was down with all that. He was very supportive of his cat pal. I think some people get the idea that Jesus was homophobic because of that famous line, where jesus was like, “A man who lies with another man must be stoned.” But, that was misinterpreted too. Jesus was really just tryna pass a joint.