Report: Seattle Blackberry Bushes Play Defense in Sizeism Scandal

Published: August 5, 2018
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Created by Kevin Gladwell, Courtesy of Kennedy Law Offices via

Loved by some, despised by most, Seattle’s invasive blackberry bushes are ripe with sweet, saccharine little berries — and controversy.

Seattle’s Rubus ursinus are the centerpiece in a lawsuit filed against the city of Seattle: Ali, Jacobs, Mueller, Schmidt, & Carol v. City of Seattle. The prosecuting party, two men and three women of heights ranging from 5’1” to 5’5”, claim that the blackberry bushes produce berries in such a way that is inaccessible for those of small stature, perpetuating sizeism already built into the structure of the urban landscape.

“It’s annoying af,” stated Mirium Ali, 5’2”, in her deposition. “The juiciest ones are like three inches out of reach. Tell me why my roommate, 5’8”, should be afforded the privilege of access to the cream of the crop, biting into the tastiest of nature’s Gushers [1”], while I get the consistently over-picked, always underdeveloped, Gollum-esque versions coated in dust at the bottom of the bush? They always look grim, and their little hairs never look healthy. It’s not right. I want equity. I want justice. I want — deserve — the gushiest.”

Ali, 5’2” is the leader of the prosecuting group. Dane Garbott, 6’1”, is the defense attorney for the City of Seattle. A specialist in the field, Garbott, 6’1”, has already defended the City of Seattle in similar cases regarding tall apple trees, 14’, tall strawberry trees, 18’, very short and small edible mushrooms, ½”, hazy mountain views elusive to those with eye trouble, 60’, and puddles too large for the short-legged to hop over, 4’.

Garbott, 6’1”, boasts one victory in this slew of nature-related cases.

Thanks to the efforts of Garbott, 6’1”, it’s now legally quite alright for water to pool wherever it pleases. Per Garbott,

"...water, far older than any human, is far wiser and more knowledgeable about life and how things ought to be done, so water should probably be left to its own devices. Additionally, some people like jumping in puddles anyway, and doing so is a very healthy and refreshing alternative to stepping over them."

The other of Garbott’s trials ended in the same way which Garbott, 6’1” is preparing for this one to end: Earth will be found in contempt of court, at which point, the police officer overseeing events will take a broom to the floor to remove any lingering soil left from the blackberry bush which will have been escorted out of the courtroom. The humans, all quite artificial by this point in their 30-60 years of life, will all be permitted to remain, given that they will have qualified as being unnatural enough to be distinguished from that which is derived from Earth. Most will be identified as augmented synthetics, and that will be accurate. The city of Seattle, being a domain of humankind, will take no blame for Earth’s problematic and deeply sizeist behavior, and the case will be dismissed.

Whether or not Garbott’s anticipated outcome will hold true to reality will be discerned on September 7th, when the court adjourns.