Restaurant Takes Geoduck Off Menu in an Effort to Reduce Staff Libido

Published: April 1, 2020
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Created by Ruby Harlin, Courtesy of Pxfuel, Needpix, Wallpaper Flare, and Wikimedia Commons

Seafood restaurants have long been a haven for lovers of the briny palette, cultivating the ocean’s rich flavors for trained tongues. For one local food establishment, however, employees have perhaps mastered the tongue too well.

Richard Hunter owns and manages the Crab Shack, a restaurant specializing in bringing ocean cuisine to table, and which has recently begun to live up to its name due to the increased cases of pubic lice among crew members.

“It’s getting out of control,” Hunter says of the inter-staff relations. “Every day, HR receives new reports of fornication in the locker rooms, the walk-in freezers—hell, even the dish pit!”

Further investigation has revealed that the reported horniness is not limited to just employees. One Yelp review detailed an incident between a server and a particularly disposed patron in which a wine glass was knocked over by the server’s erection. Instead of filing a complaint with management, they promptly followed the server, who promised to use their Tide™ Pen on the guest, into the bathroom, presumably for a different type of complimentary service altogether.

Though the restaurant has since experienced a surge in carnal customers, Hunter still hopes to maintain the family-friendly atmosphere which has served as a beacon of light for him and his guests for so very long.

Although investigating reporters have yet to attribute the “fishy phenomena” to a single cause, analysts at The Fishwrapper have identified an abundance of suggestive content—in the food arrangement, the decor, and the preferred nickname of the manager to list a few.

Since receiving this information from The Fishwrapper, Mr. “Dick” Hunter has sent out a company-wide notice including a revised employee policy and an apology for the lewd connotations surrounding his name. The chef was asked to review the menu and remove all phallic or yonic dishes—geoduck and raw oysters being the biggest culprits.

Further steps will be taken to replace the more abstract artwork, which depict the sensual curves of the ocean and the life it harbors. The aphrodisiac menu items will be exchanged for safer options such as fish and chips, and the resident mixologists promise the hard stuff will be hidden underneath the bar. More importantly, medical support will be offered to all customers who got an unexpected order of crabs—everyone’s been there, right?