Saturn’s Disappearing Rings Launch New Era of Approval By Conservative Neighboring Celestial Bodies

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM
Published: February 18, 2019
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Created by Kevin Gladwell, Courtesy of NASA JPL Caltech Space Science Institute

Saturn entered a new phase of life at the start of the new year, making the difficult and irreversible decision to absorb its inner rings. With this change, Saturn has vowed to abandon its former path name (street name), “The Jewel” of the solar system and adopt its new, more appropriate name, Leslie.

While some planets, namely HD-209458b, nicknamed “Osiris,” lament the change in expression, airing worry that Saturn is losing touch with its punk, alt-reality spirit, others have loudly expressed their approval.

Older neighboring planets in particular seem pleased with the change in Saturn’s lifestyle. According to The Fishwrapper’s celestial correspondents, older planets have been very vocal about their new support of changes for the Solar System’s “reckless” planet, loudly appraising Saturn’s new developments and simultaneously expertly dispensing veiled condescension and judgement of its past choices.

Critics, namely Kepler-186f, have been documented shouting such skillfully crafted comments. Just last week, Kepler-186f reportedly shouted to its partner planet nearby, Kepler-16b, “Hey Melinda, looks like Saturn’s going to be okay after all!”

Kepler-16b, the planet “Melinda,” reportedly replied, “Yeah, now it just has to get rid of that hideous tattoo on its Plains of Rhea and get a job.”