Seeking Companionship? Domesticate the Rats!

by RUBY HARLIN
Published: June 4, 2020
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Created by Ruby Harlin, Courtesy of Publicdomainpictures, Piqsels, and Pxfuel

Animal shelters are reporting record adoption rates during quarantine, to the point that some have even run out of pets to adopt. Although this is great news for the otherwise-homeless pets, folks in search of companionship during quarantine are out of luck. Disappointed that you can’t have a fuzzy friend for these lonely times? Here’s an alternative! Let’s make use of those rats in your vents that the building manager refuses to acknowledge—let’s turn those pests into pets!

Here are the Pros:

  • Fun new pets!
  • They eat their own babies, so you aren’t responsible for multiple generations of rats. Plus you save on spaying and neutering costs without taking away their ability to bang!
  • Maybe they are from New York? Perhaps you have city rats! That’s culture. Maybe they can take you to New York Fashion Week or teach you how to protect yourself on the J train!
  • Maybe you can teach them how to cook, so they can then manipulate your arms by pulling your hair. Soon you’ll be the body that represents a 3-Michelin Star rat.
  • Have them sit around in a pile together so you can achieve the internet-famed rat king! Tie those tails together!
  • If things get really rough, just let them loose and maybe your building will finally take care of the rat problem. They can’t ignore them when the rats are holding their own Tour de France in the hallways.

Here are the Cons:

  • None! (Other than the fact that they may carry the plague, but we are already in a pandemic. Oops?)
  • They can’t pay rent, more reason for a rent strike? (so maybe this is a pro?)

Overall, what I promote to you dear reader is this: forget dogs, forget cats, forget rodents you can buy at Petco. The only true pets are the ones that live in your walls. Break these rats out of your vents and give them little hats and teach them to be little gentlemen.