Senators Graham and Hatch Join Kavanaugh in Drunkenly Texting 130 Million American Women Dick Pics and an Image of their Own Bodies Twisted into a Massive Middle Finger

Published: October 5, 2018
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In an exquisite display of groundbreaking choreography, superb muscular strength, and dramatic bodily flexibility, Senators Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Orrin Hatch (R-UT) arranged themselves with Brett “Whining-Baby-Grab-Hands” Kavanaugh into a human man sized middle finger last Tuesday following the Ford-Kavanaugh testimonies and invited blonde female aides to take images. Immediately after, the three jointly drunk-texted one such choice image to millions of women across the US, followed by a litany of dick pics.

'The following public outcry prompted Kavanaugh, Graham, and Hatch to release a joint apology, in which Kavanaugh sort of lamented but mostly tearily yelled, “Look, everyone gets a little too drunk sometimes, and we all do things that are a little goofy, a little stupid. I h-hope this doesn’t further sully my image in the public eye. I mean, who hasn’t blacked out. You have. I bet you have. Of course you have. You probably try to get laid during a blackout all the time, but no one cares if you do. It’s just not fair. The world is against me.”

Unsure which of the crowd of twenty-two journalists Kavanaugh was addressing during this joint statement, the press group semi-uniformly replied, “Nope.”

The man-fuckboy Brett Kavanaugh, who was nominated as Supreme Court Justice, which is an elite position demanding exceptional composure and emotional patience, replied to the press, “Fuck you. Fuck all of you. You can all suck my dick.”

Hatch echoed, “Yeah, it’s a travesty that anyone would be upset by this. It was hilarious. We were just trying to cheer Brett up a little bit after that whore-liar Ford ruined his life. There’s nothing wrong with that. Suck our dicks. Especially Ford because she’s kinda cute.”

Brett Kavanaugh snorted back tears and nasal drainage as Graham spoke, fiddling with a calendar filled with partial sentences messily dragged across the last two days. The words read, “bitches be bitches; bros 4EVER.”

Baby Face Graham closed the group apology with fist raised in the air, whispering “long live man.”

The conference ended with Kavanaugh’s suggestion that he and the senators “go grab a couple beers before the game later.”

Edit: Brett Kavanaugh has been confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice since this report was written.