Stupid Girl Thinks She Knows When Her Midterm Is, Doesn’t

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM
Published: April 28, 2018
Article thumnail
Courtesy of Isabel Campisteguy

UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON — In a surprising development, university sources have found that The Fishwrapper Editor-in-Chief and local stupid girl Elle Bernbaum can’t distinguish the accurate date of her Particles and Symmetries midterm from her own ass. “I knew something was off when she met us with a casual, ‘Hey y’all’ during lecture the day before and wanted to do the homework instead of studying,” said classmate Cole MacCulloch, who had come to the shaky conclusion that Bernbaum must have been feeling confident about the test. “I should have known. It’s not her way.” Investigators have determined that the haphazardly wired garbage storage system she’s using as a brain is at fault. “It seems the date, although clearly written in her notebook, got lost en route from her optic nerve to what’s left of her flailing medial temporal lobe,” said investigator Jean Carraway. “This technology is from the ‘90s — of course it’s failing. I personally use a MacBook Surface Pro, and I recommend it to all analog dinosaurs like Bernbaum.”

Reporters announce that Bernbaum is now aggressively mauling her computer as she types a story about a rabbit, trying to cope with a situation that will surely bother her for the rest of this quarter, and perhaps beyond.