The Daily Horoscope

by NORA FOSSENIER
Published: October 28, 2019
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Created by Katrina Filer, Courtesy of Pixabay, Needpix, and Wikimedia Commons

Aries – Science tells us that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This means that the next time someone mocks you for getting a 2.1 in Physics 121, you get to punch them in the nuts.

Tortoise – You are stubborn, like the bull constellation you were born under. You should already know this though, as it is literally the only thing anybody remembers about Tortoises.

Gemini – Deep down, you long for your peers to truly value your effort and see you as more than a “two-faced backstabbing snake bitch.” Alas, also deep down, you are and always will be a two-faced backstabbing snake bitch.

Cancer – This one actually just speaks for itself. Oof.

Leonardo DiCaprio - Today you will find power in your social life. So much power. Your friends will - no, must - bow before you, warrior and heir to the final realm. Your acquaintances shall kneel and worship the pure, unadulterated aura of self-confidence that emanates from your radiant form. Also, your lucky number is 7.

Virgin – You have erectile dysfunction.

Libra – You know what you did, Jessica. If you don’t make shit right by the time I get back tonight, your parakeet will be suffering from more than just Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Scorpio – Eating the entire chocolate cake your roommate left in the fridge was, in fact, good and healthy for you! Keep shining, star!

Sadjitahrrious – No one knows how to spell your zodiac sign, and that really sucks for you. At least you have your anime obsession (probably).

Capri Sun – Sometimes we all reach a point in life where we must take drastic measures. Yours, in particular, may have included dressing up as a Juggalo and going on a week-long, probably drug-fueled murder extravaganza, but hey! It’s all part of the healing process.

Aquarium – With one simple step, you can experience an abundance of prosperity and happiness in the very near future! To unlock this specialty one-time offer, all you have to do is send your credit card number and your mother’s maiden name to 1-206-800-8135!

Pie Slice – It’s high time you take the reins on your own destiny. Sniffing paint may have sounded fun that one night at your boyfriend’s brother’s dealer’s house, but it stopped being cute once you spent over a hundred dollars at Home Depot on Behr’s Premium.