The Evolution of Government Jobs: Everyone Just Tries to Ignore Trump as Best They Can

Published: October 6, 2018
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Created by Kevin Gladwell, Courtesy of Alex Brandon and

Last Thursday, a few days following news that Secretary of Defense James Mattis ignored Trump’s instruction to “fucking kill” Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, The Fishwrapper received information from an undisclosed source about other executive requests which White House staffers and the Pentagon regularly find in their best judgement to ignore. Here are a few stand-outs.

CIA Head Mike Pompeo regularly ignores questions as to why Roy Moore didn’t win his 2017 Alabama Senate race and Trump’s requests to make Doug Jones “go away” to protect national security.

Aides put in earplugs and pretend they can’t hear the president whenever he asks why Oscar the Grouch was treated so unfairly on Sesame Street.

IRS Head John Koskinen ignores Trump’s weekly suggestion that the IRS “look into” Rosie O’Donnell’s estate, remarking, “Nixon was a very bright man, and we can learn a lot from him.” Kim Jong-Un has a list of excuses he uses to get out of Trump’s golf game invites. The North Korean dictator usually just says, “I have a thing tonight, sorry,” when President Trump calls or texts, but lately, Trump has gotten nosy, so Kim Jong-un uses a reason off of his list. The top three read, “I have to visit the labor camp early tomorrow,” “There are rumblings of a revolt in the east,” and “Bitches, man.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has dismissed Trump’s demands to make a trade deal with Germany on at least 11 occasions, reminding him that “the US can only make a deal with the European Union (EU), not Germany alone, you fucking idiot, Jesus Christ, let me be.”

DC McDonald’s workers must regularly pretend that their phone lines accidentally get disconnected whenever Trump calls to order his fourth midnight munchie. Trump’s doctor has informed the employees that they can let the first three slide.