The Fishwrapper’s Annual “80 Over 80”
by ARMON MAHDAVI
Published: January 19, 2019
Courtesy of Pixabay
The Fishwrapper’s renowned, first-ever annual list of “80 Over 80” showcases senior citizens who rocked the year and showed that although they are knocking on death’s door, they are not done making the world a better place. When asked why The Fishwrapper chose to launch this new yearly feature, Fishwrapper Reporter, Armon Mahdavi, steamily replied, “Forget Forbes’s “30 Under 30.” No one wants to read about young, good-looking, successful people. Everyone feels bad enough about themselves as it is.”
The full list will be released soon (Ed’s note: probably not), but here is a sneak peek of a few of our 80 selected senile superstars:
Agnes Wilson, 91
This was a stellar year for this Ohio native. Agnes is an avid knitter and enjoys passing the days making sweaters and scarves for relatives who really do not want them, but pretend to. In the past, Agnes would put her yarn in old cookie containers. This led to tension between her grandchildren, who would be extremely excited to see a box of cookies but then be gravely disappointed to discover knitting materials. In 2018, Agnes stopped doing this and instead put her yarn in one of her husband Harold’s old cigar cases. Harold died in 2010. When asked to comment, Agnes told The Fishwrapper: “I miss Harold.”
Jeffrey Watts, 81
Jeffrey had a year full of progress in regard to his personal racial relations. His interactions with people of races, while not purposefully malicious, used to make his adult children quite uncomfortable. This year, Jeffrey made many positive advances in his social consciousness. He now understands that it is not good to tell every Asian person that he meets that he “fought in Korea” and that the term “Jew” can be off-putting if used in certain contexts with particular tones. Baby steps, Jeffrey.
Gabrielle Johnson, 89
Gabrielle’s year featured immense victories in the field of technology. In 2014, Gabrielle’s daughter gifted her an iPad, which led to much confusion and anguish for both parties. Gabrielle had trouble learning how to use the “tricky tool” and called her daughter daily, claiming that “the iPad is broken.” Her daughter would reply: “It’s not — you’re just doing it wrong. I taught you that yesterday.” Gabrielle made a huge step forward when she realized her problems were not the iPad’s fault, but hers. This realization made her very sad. A week later, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 85
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is one of the most accomplished individuals in American politics and only the second woman ever to be elected to the Supreme Court. Ruth had an incredibly successful 2018, as she continued her impressive streak of not dying. Her quality of being alive was a critical benefit to the country. When The Fishwrapper asked former President Bill Clinton, who nominated Ruth for the job, to comment on her achievements, he stated that he “hopes for her to keep being not dead.”
Note to the reader: After the completion of this article, Agnes Wilson died in a tragic knitting accident. On the bright side, she is now with Harold.