Trump So Close to Correctly Guessing Which Country He Just Bombed, Mattis Nearly Swoons

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM
Published: April 28, 2018
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Created by Isabel Campisteguy, Courtesy of James N. Mattis via Flickr

MAR-A-LAGO — President of the United States Donald Trump so nearly correctly guessed the country against which he ordered a 59-missile attack, that for one fleeting moment, Secretary of Defense James Mattis lost himself in the sweet, tantalizing fantasy of functional leadership. Sources report that Mad Dog Mattis nearly swooned as Trump claimed that the US had just attacked Iraq, the neighboring country with three of the same letters as the actual target, Syria. Ears filled with the mellifluous tones of a poor pronunciation of the nation in the Levant, minimally similar to Syria in that the US made utterly bad decisions with regard to both, Warrior Monk Mattis felt the tingling warmth of what could have been. A perfumed breeze tenderly swaddled him in a blissfully euphoric peace as memories of #I’mWithHer tweets and blue “H” stickers lazily drifted before his mind’s eye. Images of pantsuits and qualifications allegedly teased Mattis with memories of long-gone opportunities both heartachingly pleasant and consequently cruel . . . A pantsuit folded into a red and white striped rose, blossomed, emitting smart and sharp white stars from its delicate blue center, transformed into a gun-wielding, pantsuit-wearing eagle with proud eyes keenly trained on the Middle East, then abruptly vomited up a chocolate cake.

Mattis reporedly snapped back to his dogshit reality after hearing Trump circle back to his description of the “beautiful” chocolate cake he was eating when he ordered the attack.