US Extends Steel, Aluminum Tariffs to Cosmos

Published: May 5, 2018
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Created By Kevin Gladwell

Thursday morning, US trade representative Robert Lighthizer announced new targets for the recent steel and aluminum tariffs implemented as a part of President Trump’s “America First” policy.

“Time after time, President Trump has acknowledged that the US has consistently gotten the raw end of trade deals made between nations under the last administration, and he doesn’t want to see that kind of poor strategic planning in our cosmic affairs," said Lighthizer. "We’ve landed on the moon, but we haven’t created comprehensive trade policy with Mars. This is unacceptable.”

“The President feels very strongly about this issue, particularly as it pertains to national security. In fact, just this morning, President Trump tweeted, ‘We’re utterly exposed when it comes to trade policy with our planetary neighbors, folks . . . All eight planets have the potential to absolutely wreck us in trade!’ There’s no accountability, and today, that’s going to end. These tariffs are going to show them that we demand reasonable policy,” said Lighthizer.

When asked if he meant to say seven planets and Pluto, Lighthizer confirmed that he did not misspeak.

“As an extension of the policy, the United States now no longer considers itself a member-nation of the Earth and will not consider itself as such until a better trade position with the planet can be reached. Earth produces steel at a cost much lower than us. It's just not fair.”

Lighthizer went on to report that, in fact, all seven planets of the solar system and Pluto are “very unfair exporters of steel and aluminum. So, we intend to renegotiate trade with them too.”

Sources from Capitol Hill report that although some Republicans had concerns about the possibility of a destructive trade war with Jupiter, Mercury, and Uranus, Trump shrugged off the potential for negative outcome, echoing Lighthizer: “We have wonderful negotiators working on this stuff. They do fine work. Just beautiful work. And they’re going to straighten all this trade business out, and we’re going to come out on top. We’ll be an economic leader in the Solar System.”

Following this string of events, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced today that the new Trump-appointed NASA administrator, Jim Bridenstine, has been directed to “confirm the existence of the planet Nibiru so that we can slap a tariff on them too.”

Coincidentally, Advisor of Cosmic Economic Affairs Gary Cohn resigned shortly after the announcement.