UW Student Sent Into Rapid Downward Spiral After Three Weeks of Watching Only 80s Movies Nominated for MTV Movie Awards for Best Kiss

Published: January 19, 2019
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Created by Kevin Gladwell, Courtesy of Alan Light and Marcen27 via Wikimedia Commons

For UW undergraduate Jazmín Santos, this year’s winter break was not all cookies and fudge, and relatives were not the only sources of consternation. Her three weeks of vacation were a whirlwind of unexpected experiences and challenging revelations that produced a steaming-fresh identity crisis.

“I never knew I had it in me to watch so many romantic films from the 80s. I’m just not that kind of girl,” explained Santos in an interview with The Fishwrapper, confusion growing in her eyes. “I wince at intense, emotional dance scenes and relationships based on nothing but a shared cigarette. At least, that’s what I thought.”

Santos became increasingly visibly bothered as the interview went on. “But, you watch one Winona Ryder film, and the next thing you know, you’re audience to yet another movie introduction with music by The Flaming Lips, bound to become invested in your third consecutive bittersweet quilt-featured narrative that teaches a lesson about the many forms of love. God, I don’t know what happened. It’s like, I’m a whole new person. I used to think Planet Earth was too dramatic, and now I’m listening to “Love Story” for the fifth time in a row. I want to trade in my Blundstones for vintage oxfords from Etsy. Do I even like Carhartt anymore?”

Return to class has worsened Santos’s struggle with identity development. Citing alienation by her pre-Law peers, Santos has had difficulty adjusting to a non-John Hughes reality. She was reportedly asked to leave the Gallagher Law Library for listening to Sam Smith’s “Lay Me Down” on loop while maintaining heavy eye contact with a “dreamy-eyed, bad-boy” peer. Santos is also suffering from frustration brought on by deeply despairing over her four separate crushes, all of which are immeasurably complicated for reasons she just cannot describe.

Santos closed the interview gripping the silver heart locket necklace she says she recently bought for herself, telling our Fishwrapper interviewer to take care with watery-eyed sincerity before popping her earbuds in and returning to her fourth consecutive day of listening to her Sam Smith, Taylor Swift, and The Cranberries-filled “Love is a Weeping Cloud on a Sunny Day” playlist.