Wilting Plant in the Corner of the Room Praying for Sweet Escape from “This Hellhole Life”

by Elizabeth Bernbaum
Published: April 14, 2018
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Courtesy of Elizabeth Bernbaum

Seven weeks after local woman Kay Conrad last watered her wilting succulent, the plant screamed, “God please just let me die. If there is a Lord, and it is kind, this’ll all end now.” Conrad, sitting at her desk with a cup of chamomile tea, scrolling through Tasty videos at the time of the event, reportedly did not hear the scream.

Local biological researcher, humanitarian, and former roommate of Conrad, Josephine Isaac, has submitted a statement supporting the plant’s position, explaining “I’ve lived with Kay. I know how she treats those plants, and it’s not right. That succulent? It’s been through hell and back. Yeah, she doesn’t water them, but that’s the least of it. She practices the cadence of her spoken word poetry like every day. And she gets really into it. You know? Like, she leaves pauses for people to snap and does blocking and everything. But, she’s also always saying she’s really busy whenever I talk about my homework load? Like, she’s clearly not very busy. I don’t know how that plant can take it. It’s still alive, but I don’t think it wants to be. It’s like it gets closer to the open window every day.”

The succulent was placed on Conrad’s bookshelf some months ago to “give the place a sort of serenity.” Given the species’s semi-desert origin, the plant can evidently withstand exceptionally long periods without water before shriveling, but according to the succulent on Conrad’s dresser, “that doesn’t mean I’m not dying. I am. Every moment alive is torture. The only thing I want more than a spritz from that green bottle is for the sun to finish me. Dry my cytoplasm, demolish my cell walls. Father in heaven, botanist on high, I’m coming...”

The house plant has since continued with its depressing life, apparently ignored by the divine Lord, who could not be reached for comment.