Arts & Culture

The Hustle: An Expert’s Guide to JV Lacrosse

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by BEN OLSON

Klyde K. Kyleson is a Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist, achieving a multitude of records in his short career as a writer. His new book, The Hustle, is a prolific guide on an emerging field in sports. Watched by dozens of players’ families who don’t want to be there, high school junior varsity lacrosse is becoming the new sport for mass entertainment....


Seeking Companionship? Domesticate the Rats!

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by RUBY HARLIN

Animal shelters are reporting record adoption rates during quarantine, to the point that some have even run out of pets to adopt. Although this is great news for the otherwise-homeless pets, folks in search of companionship during quarantine are out of luck. Disappointed that you can’t have a fuzzy friend for these lonely times? Here’s an alternative! Let’s make use of those rats in your vents that the building manager refuses to acknowledge—let’s turn those pests into pets!...


10 Cheap & Easy Mother’s Day Gift Ideas

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by THE WRITERS

Mother’s Day is right around the corner! This may come as a surprise because time doesn’t feel real and mentally it is still spring break. Have you purchased a gift? Have you spent the obligatory $20 on a disappointing, impersonal present? Are you prepared to show your mother how much you love her in the form of a material object that commodifies your relationship? If not, The Fishwrapper has you covered! We have compiled a list of low-budget gift options and alternatives that your mother is sure to adore....


It’s All Greek to Me!

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by ANNA GUARDADO

Δεν έχω λεφτά. Αλλά τι έχω είναι ένα πολύ συγκεκριμένο σύνολο δεξιοτήτων, τις δεξιότητες που έχω αποκτήσει κατά τη διάρκεια μιας μακράς καριέρας. Δεξιότητες που με κάνουν έναν εφιάλτη για ανθρώπους σαν εσένα. Εάν αφήσετε την κόρη μου να πάει τώρα, αυτό θα είναι το τέλος της. Δεν θα σε ψάχνω, δεν θα σε ακολουθήσω. Αλλά αν δεν το κάνεις, θα σε ψάχνω, θα σε βρω και θα σε σκοτώσω. Έχω την μέγιστη εμπιστοσύνη στο συγκεκριμένο σύνολο δεξιοτήτων μου, δεδομένου ότι συνίσταται στη κανω τοστ αβοκάντο, τη συλλογή χρεών φοιτητών και την καταστρέφοντας του FitnessGram™ Pacer Test....


How to Cope When Betty White Dies

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by RUBY HARLIN

The day has finally come — the day that signals the beginning of the end. The woman who has been 90 years old for decades has finally kicked the bucket. This woman is your INSPIRATION — the reason for your every breath. You are devastated. Here’s what to do following the death of Betty White:...


Valentine’s Day Date Ideas for Singles Trying to Get By

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by EMILY VAUGHAN

Pull out your heart-shaped candles and pink paper decorations — Valentine’s Day is just around the corner! If you’re kicking it solo this year, here are a few fun singles activities to try out. Even single people deserve to have a nice time!...


Crack on Back: An Unpublished Work Exposing Dr. Suess’s Deep Love Affair with the Devil’s Dandruff

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by PHELON BROWN

Was the late and much-loved Dr. Suess a devoted dabbler in Disco Dust?? Did he have the proverbial monkey on his back, or as he might have said, “crack on back”? In a journalistic coup not seen since the Pentagon Papers, freelance correspondent Phelan Brown unearthed a heretofore unpublished verbal manuscript that Suess insisted not be released until 1+2+3+4+5+6+7 years after his death in 1991. The Fishwrapper recently released the complete transcript, a sample of which is reproduced here:...



Audiences Criticize New Film About Genocide for Being "Depressing"

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by ARMON MAHDAVI

“Tears That Never Dry,” the new film by Cannes award-winning director Jean-Luc Bergman, has faced significant controversy after its limited release on Nov. 10. The film, which chronicles a family’s experience during the mass killings that took place in Kazakhstan in the 1930s, has been described by audiences as “a real downer.”...



Profile: Who Was Jesus, Really?

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by Elizabeth Bernbaum

This year’s Easter Sunday inspired new interest from analysts across the nation to figure out what kind of guy Christ really was. Our reporters sat down with accredited historian Jared Inglemore to get the scoop....


New Wes Anderson Film Literally A Children’s Pop-up Book

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by Ricky Spaulding

Scheduled for nationwide release this summer, Director Wes Anderson’s new film Victrola Whimsy and the Incorrigible Mayfly is a children’s pop-up book. Through 14 pages of subtly striking pop-up watercolor artwork, the film tells the charming story of 10-year-old Victrola Whimsy, the adopted daughter of a single hot-air balloon pilot, and their journey to meet a mysterious entomologist who lives in isolation on a small Connecticut island....


New Evidence Suggests All of Shakespeare’s Plays Were Written by a Computer in 2004

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by Ricky Spaulding

Detailed textual analysis of Shakespeare’s plays has indicated that they were all written by a computer program in 2004. This new discovery settles an authorship debate that has dominated scholarly discussions of these influential works of Early Modern drama for centuries. The software that penned such famous tales as "Hamlet," "Macbeth," and "Othello" is owned by W.W. Norton & Company, which uses it to generate filler for its English literature anthologies. New reports suggest the program also generated the complete works of literary heavyweights Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, and T.S. Eliot. In fact, the only English literature written by a human being is, surprisingly, the work of Shakespeare’s lesser-known contemporary Ben Jonson, whose plays are far fewer and far worse than those written by the computer....