THE FISHWRAPPER

New Tinder Update Features More Information About Your Matches, Exposes How Terrible Most Of Them Are

by ARMON MAHDAVI

In response to user analytics and critical reviews on the App Store, the popular dating app Tinder released an update that allows its users to learn more about their potential partners before meeting them in person.

“Our user base is growing every day,” CEO Greg Blatt said. “We want all of our customers to feel safe and secure when they decide to meet their matches, which is why our team decided to add a section called ‘personality quirks’ on every member's profile...

Politically Produced Earthquake Reverberates Across the States

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Homes across the US shook Saturday after the news of Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation to the Supreme Court broke, and women across the nation collectively bellowed a mixture of audible groans, screams, sobs, and loud strings of profanity.

Some men joined the mix, while others either physically or metaphorically held their hands over the mouths of the frustrated women in an effort to get a little peace and quiet...

American Considers Himself “Globe Trotter” After Visiting New York, Houston, and Seattle Over the Summer

by SONALI BEHER

SEATTLE – After visiting three US states over the summer, American student Jordan Stanford has changed his Instagram bio to “Globe Trotter.”

“I always tell people: You don’t truly know yourself if you haven’t traveled,” the 21-year-old shared with reporters from The Fishwrapper, unsolicited. “I used to have people tell me that I was just another ignorant American-centric white boy...

Info Wars: An Obituary

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

After Youtube, Apple, Facebook, and Twitter steadily removed Alex Jones and his wildly entertaining and somewhat nauseating show, Info Wars, from their respective platforms, consumers in search of their morning juicing have been left in the dark. Some have turned to Google Image searches of Steve Bannon licking his lips in concern, while others have found comfort in audio clips of large, broken, rusting machinery**...

American Patriot Sniffles Through Tears as He Remembers Working Out With the Boys, Talking About Girls, Throwing Back Beers with Tobin, and Going to Church on Sundays

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Regaling a group of eagerly listening old men with tales of lifting iron with the great high school quarterback, Tobin, a national patriot recalls life back when it was great; back when he was a king. The recollection was released on YouTube last Tuesday.

In the video, the patriot recalls playing local basketball games on cool summer nights, working out for the upcoming football season at Tobin’s, drinking lagers, drinking pale ales, drinking ciders, hanging out with Varsity girls, drinking porters, popping back brewskies, going to church on Sundays, and remaining a proud virgin...

Post-Racism Scandal: Starbucks to Permanently Change Bathroom Code to N-Word In Effort to Stop Discriminating Against Black People

by SONALI BEHER

SEATTLE – At a press conference on Tuesday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced that the coffee chain will permanently change its bathroom entry codes to the n-word in an attempt to end discriminatory practices leading to the denial of bathroom access for customers of color.

“That way, no one has to ask anyone for anything,” the CEO explained...

Earth Day: Social Media Activist Retweets WWF Tweet, Unsure If Also Sharing an Article On Facebook Is “Too Much Activism for A Day”

by SONALI BEHER

SEATTLE – In honor of Earth Day, Seattleite Connor White expressed his support for environmental protection by retweeting a post from the World Wildlife Fund’s official twitter account on April 21, yet decided against sharing another article on the same topic on Facebook, calling it an “overload of activism.”

The NGO’s tweet depicted a bleeding elephant near Nairobi with a rusty spear popping out of its neck...

Analysts Conclude Suburbia Rabbit Mr. Puddles is More Food Secure, Healthier, Happier Than Majority of World’s Humans

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“Mr. Puddles gets a handful of strawberries and a little bag of kale every day,” says Suburbia Mom Janelle Kendell of her free-as-a-bird, no worries, whistling, skipping, hopping rabbit Mr. Puddles. “We don’t believe that just because Mr. Puddles isn’t human, he shouldn’t be loved, taken care of, or given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day,” says Kendell, whose rabbit is loved, taken care of, and given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day precisely because it is not human...

iPhone 10 Craze Hits Heaven in a Big Way

by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

The big guy has finally dumped his age-old landline for the iPhone 10.

Sources up there report that for about three days after placing his order on Amazon Smile, the Lord Almighty walked around nudging people, and in a deep, ethereal baritone, would josh, “This thing is older than I am,” a classic Dad joke. Despite God’s cavalier attitude in public, he’s purportedly not nearly as chill in private, according to long-time friend and next-door neighbor, Gabriel...