Current Events


Out-Of-Touch Man Still Waiting for Debut of Bono’s New Passion Project, “ME2”

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

Forty-two year old Stuart Holland of Sedro-Woolley, WA has launched an official complaint over Facebook regarding the delayed release of U2 frontman Bono’s supposed solo project, “ME2.”

“He’s been talking about it for over a year now. Like, I remember people talking about the hashtag blowing up on The Twitter in like, 2017,” complained Holland. “Everyone was like, ‘It’s the Age of #ME2,’ and ‘It’s revolutionary.’ Everybody is on edge waiting for this thing — one of my coworkers was even wearing a pin with #ME2 on it once. Obviously, people want to hear Bono’s message. That’s why I’m totally behind the new hashtag: ‘#Time’sUp.’ Like, release it, Bono. Time’s up.”...


The Fishwrapper’s Annual “80 Over 80”

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by ARMON MAHDAVI

The Fishwrapper’s renowned, first-ever annual list of “80 Over 80” showcases senior citizens who rocked the year and showed that although they are knocking on death’s door, they are not done making the world a better place. When asked why The Fishwrapper chose to launch this new yearly feature, Fishwrapper Reporter, Armon Mahdavi, steamily replied, “Forget Forbes’s “30 Under 30.” No one wants to read about young, good-looking, successful people. Everyone feels bad enough about themselves as it is.”...


New Tinder Update Features More Information About Your Matches, Exposes How Terrible Most Of Them Are

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by ARMON MAHDAVI

In response to user analytics and critical reviews on the App Store, the popular dating app Tinder released an update that allows its users to learn more about their potential partners before meeting them in person.

“Our user base is growing every day,” CEO Greg Blatt said. “We want all of our customers to feel safe and secure when they decide to meet their matches, which is why our team decided to add a section called ‘personality quirks’ on every member's profile.”...


Politically Produced Earthquake Reverberates Across the States

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Homes across the US shook Saturday after the news of Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation to the Supreme Court broke, and women across the nation collectively bellowed a mixture of audible groans, screams, sobs, and loud strings of profanity.

Some men joined the mix, while others either physically or metaphorically held their hands over the mouths of the frustrated women in an effort to get a little peace and quiet....


American Considers Himself “Globe Trotter” After Visiting New York, Houston, and Seattle Over the Summer

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by SONALI BEHER

SEATTLE – After visiting three US states over the summer, American student Jordan Stanford has changed his Instagram bio to “Globe Trotter.”

“I always tell people: You don’t truly know yourself if you haven’t traveled,” the 21-year-old shared with reporters from The Fishwrapper, unsolicited. “I used to have people tell me that I was just another ignorant American-centric white boy. But now that I’ve seen both a Bible Belt state and left-wing Seattle, I feel like I have gained a deep understanding of what the world is all about.”...


Info Wars: An Obituary

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

After Youtube, Apple, Facebook, and Twitter steadily removed Alex Jones and his wildly entertaining and somewhat nauseating show, Info Wars, from their respective platforms, consumers in search of their morning juicing have been left in the dark. Some have turned to Google Image searches of Steve Bannon licking his lips in concern, while others have found comfort in audio clips of large, broken, rusting machinery**....


American Patriot Sniffles Through Tears as He Remembers Working Out With the Boys, Talking About Girls, Throwing Back Beers with Tobin, and Going to Church on Sundays

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Regaling a group of eagerly listening old men with tales of lifting iron with the great high school quarterback, Tobin, a national patriot recalls life back when it was great; back when he was a king. The recollection was released on YouTube last Tuesday.

In the video, the patriot recalls playing local basketball games on cool summer nights, working out for the upcoming football season at Tobin’s, drinking lagers, drinking pale ales, drinking ciders, hanging out with Varsity girls, drinking porters, popping back brewskies, going to church on Sundays, and remaining a proud virgin....


Post-Racism Scandal: Starbucks to Permanently Change Bathroom Code to N-Word In Effort to Stop Discriminating Against Black People

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by SONALI BEHER

SEATTLE – At a press conference on Tuesday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced that the coffee chain will permanently change its bathroom entry codes to the n-word in an attempt to end discriminatory practices leading to the denial of bathroom access for customers of color.

“That way, no one has to ask anyone for anything,” the CEO explained. “We tried to pick a word that African Americans often use, you know, to make it easier and more intuitive for them. So, in a way, this is like affirmative action.”...


Earth Day: Social Media Activist Retweets WWF Tweet, Unsure If Also Sharing an Article On Facebook Is “Too Much Activism for A Day”

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by SONALI BEHER

SEATTLE – In honor of Earth Day, Seattleite Connor White expressed his support for environmental protection by retweeting a post from the World Wildlife Fund’s official twitter account on April 21, yet decided against sharing another article on the same topic on Facebook, calling it an “overload of activism.”

The NGO’s tweet depicted a bleeding elephant near Nairobi with a rusty spear popping out of its neck. Above it, the caption read: “Hit Like if You Feel Sorry. Retweet to Save Its Life.”...


Analysts Conclude Suburbia Rabbit Mr. Puddles is More Food Secure, Healthier, Happier Than Majority of World’s Humans

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“Mr. Puddles gets a handful of strawberries and a little bag of kale every day,” says Suburbia Mom Janelle Kendell of her free-as-a-bird, no worries, whistling, skipping, hopping rabbit Mr. Puddles. “We don’t believe that just because Mr. Puddles isn’t human, he shouldn’t be loved, cared for, or given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day,” says Kendell, whose rabbit is loved, cared for, and given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day precisely because it is not human....


iPhone 10 Craze Hits Heaven in a Big Way

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

The big guy has finally dumped his age-old landline for the iPhone 10.

Sources up there report that for about three days after placing his order on Amazon Smile, the Lord Almighty walked around nudging people, and in a deep, ethereal baritone, would josh, “This thing is older than I am,” a classic Dad joke. Despite God’s cavalier attitude in public, he’s purportedly not nearly as chill in private, according to long-time friend and next-door neighbor, Gabriel. “He just goes on about that phone,” said Gabriel. “It’s been weeks of non-stop obsessing, and when the thing finally arrived, he lost his shit. Honestly, it’s not even that great of a phone, though. Like, there are so many flaws intentionally built into it, waiting to be discovered twelve months in, right after his warranty expires. It’s like he’s so excited about the aesthetic and new features that he’s totally blind to the fact that he got cheated.”...




97% of Climate Scientists Admit ‘Anthropogenic Climate Change’ is Just a Nonsense Phrase from a Dream they Had

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by Ricky Spaulding

97% of climate scientists shared their collective dream journal at a recent press conference to reveal the phrase “anthropogenic climate change” scrawled across every page. The phrase appeared next to crudely drawn pictures of winged dolphin creatures, vivid descriptions of nightmares, and several other inscrutable symbols. This overwhelming majority of experts from around the world admitted that they don’t even really know what “anthropogenic climate change” means, but that they “thought it must be important because it kept coming up.” Some scientists admitted to experiencing the recurring dream as early as the 1970s, and by the late 1980s nearly all of them had been visited by this nocturnal fantasy. The massive group of highly-educated, published researchers apologized to the nation for “making such a big deal out of something that we now acknowledge never really existed in the first place.” In their final statement, they reassured the public that they would stop this insane “climate change” research and propaganda machine and go back to their real jobs, measuring things with beakers or something....


Seattle Man Finds Perfect Meme for the Conversation He Was Having, Changes Mind about Government Surveillance

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

On Tuesday, Seattle native Devon Backer reported that the perfect “angry Patrick” meme popped up on his Instagram explore page, which impeccably suited the conversation going on around him as he scrolled on his phone.

“It was like, the second or third picture. I didn’t have to search to find it at all,” he said. “The only logical conclusion was that my phone was listening to me. But the meme got a huge laugh from the group I was with. Before, I was a little hesitant about the whole NSA thing and all that stuff about Google selling my browsing data to advertisers. . . now I think I’m okay with it.”...


“Finally”: Local Woman Takes up the Art of Hypnosis to Receive Reasonable Medical Attention From Male Doctor

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

Seattle woman Mariah Kipps, frustrated with the inability of her doctors to recognize that she is actually suffering, has resorted to using hypnosis in order to receive the diagnosis for a chronic illness she actually has. Although she quit her job months earlier due to the debilitating pain she experiences, she was still consistently leaving the doctor’s office with a prescription for extra-strength ibuprofen....


"Move, Bitch": Washington Emergency Vehicles to Get Ludacris Makeover

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by ELI D'ALBORA

“It really made a lot of sense to me. I don’t know why we didn’t do it sooner,” said Washington Governor Jay Inslee, referring to the long awaited Ludacris Emergency Bill, which passed through the Senate last night. The bill, which is to come into effect just in time for World Party Day on April 3 of this year, will force all emergency vehicles in the Seattle area to forgo the overly shrill and obnoxious siren that bothers everyone. It will be replaced by "Move Bitch," the much more compelling and appropriate song by renowned rapper and actor, Ludacris....


Analysts Project 80 Million Americans Will Make their Annual Pilgrimage to Mount Rushmore This Summer, Breaking Records

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

A new study conducted by Pew Research Center finds that upwards of 80 million Americans will make the strenuous journey through the Black Hills of South Dakota to reach Mount Rushmore, where they will pay their respects to the men responsible for the state our country is in today.

“I think it’s something that every American needs to do at least once in their life. It’s about paying your dues, you know?” said one pilgrim, Florida native Barbara Jennings. “We owe these men everything.”...


Six Species of South American Frogs Go Extinct During the Making of Latest Sad Polar Bear Documentary

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

The much anticipated documentary,Wandering Ghosts, premiered last Tuesday at the Seattle Mountaineers club headquarters, attracting dozens of environmental activists and advocates. The film is the latest in a series of documentaries following the lives of Greenland’s dwindling polar bear population.

Conflict erupted, however, during the post-screening question-and-answer session with lead-cinematographer and National Geographic photographer, Joseph Tully. While responding to a flood of questions regarding where one can purchase the film’s promotional bumper stickers and which airlines sport routes to Greenland, Tully disclosed that his team spent seven months above the arctic circle, collecting footage of the three bears featured in the documentary....


New Study Shows Most Women Just One Compliment Away from Sex with Strange Men

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by RICKY SPAULDING AND ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

An overwhelming majority of women are “one compliment away from sex with pretty much anyone,” according to a recent nationwide survey on women’s sexual preferences. Analysis of the data indicates that offhand comments from random men on the street are the number one turn-on for women, followed closely by prolonged, unbroken gazes at women’s cleavage by male passersby. Women, reportedly, just can’t get enough of it. One woman interviewed claimed, “I spend my whole day walking around, waiting for a man to comment on my ass, and as soon as he does, I take him back to my place and thank him profusely with unlimited sexual favors.” Response data also conclusively indicates that following women home is the best and most consistently successful method of gaining romantic access to them, and that they “appreciate the dedication.”...