THE FISHWRAPPER

Post-Racism Scandal: Starbucks to Permanently Change Bathroom Code to N-Word In Effort to Stop Discriminating Against Black People

by SONALI BEHER

SEATTLE – At a press conference on Tuesday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced that the coffee chain will permanently change its bathroom entry codes to the n-word in an attempt to end discriminatory practices leading to the denial of bathroom access for customers of color.

“That way, no one has to ask anyone for anything,” the CEO explained...

Analysts Conclude Suburbia Rabbit Mr. Puddles is More Food Secure, Healthier, Happier Than Majority of World’s Humans

by Elizabeth Bernbaum

“Mr. Puddles gets a handful of strawberries and a little bag of kale every day,” says Suburbia Mom Janelle Kendell of her free-as-a-bird, no worries, whistling, skipping, hopping rabbit Mr. Puddles. “We don’t believe that just because Mr. Puddles isn’t human, he shouldn’t be loved, taken care of, or given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day,” says Kendell, whose rabbit is loved, taken care of, and given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day precisely because it is not human...

Earth Day: Social Media Activist Retweets WWF Tweet, Unsure If Also Sharing an Article On Facebook Is “Too Much Activism for A Day”

by SONALI BEHER

SEATTLE – In honor of Earth Day, Seattleite Connor White expressed his support for environmental protection by retweeting a post from the World Wildlife Fund’s official twitter account on April 21, yet decided against sharing another article on the same topic on Facebook, calling it an “overload of activism.”

The NGO’s tweet depicted a bleeding elephant near Nairobi with a rusty spear popping out of its neck...

iPhone 10 Craze Hits Heaven in a Big Way

by Elizabeth Bernbaum

The big guy has finally dumped his age-old landline for the iPhone 10.

Sources up there report that for about three days after placing his order on Amazon Smile, the Lord Almighty walked around nudging people, and in a deep, ethereal baritone, would josh, “This thing is older than I am,” a classic Dad joke. Despite God’s cavalier attitude in public, he’s purportedly not nearly as chill in private, according to long-time friend and next-door neighbor, Gabriel...

Wilting Plant in the Corner of the Room Praying for Sweet Escape from “This Hellhole Life”

by Elizabeth Bernbaum

Seven weeks after local woman Kay Conrad last watered her wilting succulent, the plant screamed, “God please just let me die. If there is a Lord, and it is kind, this’ll all end now.” Conrad, sitting at her desk with a cup of chamomile tea, scrolling through Tasty videos at the time of the event, reportedly did not hear the scream...

Seattle Man Finds Perfect Meme for the Conversation He Was Having, Changes Mind about Government Surveillance

by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

On Tuesday, Seattle native Devon Backer reported that the perfect “angry Patrick” meme popped up on his Instagram explore page, which impeccably suited the conversation going on around him as he scrolled on his phone.

“It was like, the second or third picture. I didn’t have to search to find it at all,” he said...

97% of Climate Scientists Admit ‘Anthropogenic Climate Change’ is Just a Nonsense Phrase from a Dream they Had

by Ricky Spaulding

97% of climate scientists shared their collective dream journal at a recent press conference to reveal the phrase “anthropogenic climate change” scrawled across every page. The phrase appeared next to crudely drawn pictures of winged dolphin creatures, vivid descriptions of nightmares, and several other inscrutable symbols...

Coca Cola Acquires Red Cross, Donates Ten Million Bottles of Coke Hero to Disaster Relief Efforts in Puerto Rico

by KAT KAVANAGH

SAN JUAN—Coca Cola has acquired the American Red Cross Foundation for $9 billion. “We need to convince the American public that we are a corporation that cares, because we do,” said Deborah Jones, Head of Outreach. This purchase is another in a string of recent initiatives by the company to build positive consumer perceptions of its brand...