Saturn entered a new phase of life at the start of the new year, making the difficult and irreversible decision to absorb its inner rings. With this change, Saturn has vowed to abandon its former path name (street name), “The Jewel” of the solar system and adopt its new, more appropriate name, Leslie...
Forty-two year old Stuart Holland of Sedro-Woolley, WA has launched an official complaint over Facebook regarding the delayed release of U2 frontman Bono’s supposed solo project, “ME2.”
“He’s been talking about it for over a year now. Like, I remember people talking about the hashtag blowing up on The Twitter in like, 2017,” complained Holland...
The Fishwrapper’s renowned, first-ever annual list of “80 Over 80” showcases senior citizens who rocked the year and showed that although they are knocking on death’s door, they are not done making the world a better place. When asked why The Fishwrapper chose to launch this new yearly feature, Fishwrapper Reporter, Armon Mahdavi, steamily replied, “Forget Forbes’s “30 Under 30...
In response to user analytics and critical reviews on the App Store, the popular dating app Tinder released an update that allows its users to learn more about their potential partners before meeting them in person.
“Our user base is growing every day,” CEO Greg Blatt said. “We want all of our customers to feel safe and secure when they decide to meet their matches, which is why our team decided to add a section called ‘personality quirks’ on every member's profile...
Homes across the US shook Saturday after the news of Brett Kavanaugh’s confirmation to the Supreme Court broke, and women across the nation collectively bellowed a mixture of audible groans, screams, sobs, and loud strings of profanity.
Some men joined the mix, while others either physically or metaphorically held their hands over the mouths of the frustrated women in an effort to get a little peace and quiet...
SEATTLE – After visiting three US states over the summer, American student Jordan Stanford has changed his Instagram bio to “Globe Trotter.”
“I always tell people: You don’t truly know yourself if you haven’t traveled,” the 21-year-old shared with reporters from The Fishwrapper, unsolicited. “I used to have people tell me that I was just another ignorant American-centric white boy...
After Youtube, Apple, Facebook, and Twitter steadily removed Alex Jones and his wildly entertaining and somewhat nauseating show, Info Wars, from their respective platforms, consumers in search of their morning juicing have been left in the dark. Some have turned to Google Image searches of Steve Bannon licking his lips in concern, while others have found comfort in audio clips of large, broken, rusting machinery**...
Regaling a group of eagerly listening old men with tales of lifting iron with the great high school quarterback, Tobin, a national patriot recalls life back when it was great; back when he was a king. The recollection was released on YouTube last Tuesday.
In the video, the patriot recalls playing local basketball games on cool summer nights, working out for the upcoming football season at Tobin’s, drinking lagers, drinking pale ales, drinking ciders, hanging out with Varsity girls, drinking porters, popping back brewskies, going to church on Sundays, and remaining a proud virgin...
SEATTLE – At a press conference on Tuesday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced that the coffee chain will permanently change its bathroom entry codes to the n-word in an attempt to end discriminatory practices leading to the denial of bathroom access for customers of color.
“That way, no one has to ask anyone for anything,” the CEO explained...
SEATTLE – In honor of Earth Day, Seattleite Connor White expressed his support for environmental protection by retweeting a post from the World Wildlife Fund’s official twitter account on April 21, yet decided against sharing another article on the same topic on Facebook, calling it an “overload of activism.”
The NGO’s tweet depicted a bleeding elephant near Nairobi with a rusty spear popping out of its neck...
“Mr. Puddles gets a handful of strawberries and a little bag of kale every day,” says Suburbia Mom Janelle Kendell of her free-as-a-bird, no worries, whistling, skipping, hopping rabbit Mr. Puddles. “We don’t believe that just because Mr. Puddles isn’t human, he shouldn’t be loved, cared for, or given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day,” says Kendell, whose rabbit is loved, cared for, and given two servings of fruit and three servings of vegetables each day precisely because it is not human...
The big guy has finally dumped his age-old landline for the iPhone 10.
Sources up there report that for about three days after placing his order on Amazon Smile, the Lord Almighty walked around nudging people, and in a deep, ethereal baritone, would josh, “This thing is older than I am,” a classic Dad joke. Despite God’s cavalier attitude in public, he’s purportedly not nearly as chill in private, according to long-time friend and next-door neighbor, Gabriel...
Seven weeks after local woman Kay Conrad last watered her wilting succulent, the plant screamed, “God please just let me die. If there is a Lord, and it is kind, this’ll all end now.” Conrad, sitting at her desk with a cup of chamomile tea, scrolling through Tasty videos at the time of the event, reportedly did not hear the scream...
SAN JUAN—Coca Cola has acquired the American Red Cross Foundation for $9 billion. “We need to convince the American public that we are a corporation that cares, because we do,” said Deborah Jones, Head of Outreach. This purchase is another in a string of recent initiatives by the company to build positive consumer perceptions of its brand...
97% of climate scientists shared their collective dream journal at a recent press conference to reveal the phrase “anthropogenic climate change” scrawled across every page. The phrase appeared next to crudely drawn pictures of winged dolphin creatures, vivid descriptions of nightmares, and several other inscrutable symbols...
On Tuesday, Seattle native Devon Backer reported that the perfect “angry Patrick” meme popped up on his Instagram explore page, which impeccably suited the conversation going on around him as he scrolled on his phone.
“It was like, the second or third picture. I didn’t have to search to find it at all,” he said...
Seattle woman Mariah Kipps, frustrated with the inability of her doctors to recognize that she is actually suffering, has resorted to using hypnosis in order to receive the diagnosis for a chronic illness she actually has. Although she quit her job months earlier due to the debilitating pain she experiences, she was still consistently leaving the doctor’s office with a prescription for extra-strength ibuprofen...
“It really made a lot of sense to me. I don’t know why we didn’t do it sooner,” said Washington Governor Jay Inslee, referring to the long awaited Ludacris Emergency Bill, which passed through the Senate last night. The bill, which is to come into effect just in time for World Party Day on April 3 of this year, will force all emergency vehicles in the Seattle area to forgo the overly shrill and obnoxious siren that bothers everyone...
A new study conducted by Pew Research Center finds that upwards of 80 million Americans will make the strenuous journey through the Black Hills of South Dakota to reach Mount Rushmore, where they will pay their respects to the men responsible for the state our country is in today.
“I think it’s something that every American needs to do at least once in their life...
The much anticipated documentary,Wandering Ghosts, premiered last Tuesday at the Seattle Mountaineers club headquarters, attracting dozens of environmental activists and advocates. The film is the latest in a series of documentaries following the lives of Greenland’s dwindling polar bear population.
Conflict erupted, however, during the post-screening question-and-answer session with lead-cinematographer and National Geographic photographer, Joseph Tully...
An overwhelming majority of women are “one compliment away from sex with pretty much anyone,” according to a recent nationwide survey on women’s sexual preferences. Analysis of the data indicates that offhand comments from random men on the street are the number one turn-on for women, followed closely by prolonged, unbroken gazes at women’s cleavage by male passersby...
