Local

Ducks Brace, Knowing Naked People are About to Run Through Their Home

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Every two years, the ducks of Drumheller Fountain prepare for its biennial cleaning and their biennial nightmare. While some in the duck community tolerate the ritual removal of their excrement and subsequent mob of nude students entering their home uninvited, most really don’t.

“This isn’t Woodstock for Christ’s sake,” quacked one brow-furrowed duck in an exclusive interview with The Fishwrapper. “Gees, do they ruffle my feathers. If I see one more bloated condom floating through my dining room, just one more crumpled Dick’s burger wrapper trapped in the waves of the waterbed, one more roach by my slide, I think I’ll lose it.” The community leader (who chose to remain anonymous) continued, “My cousin’s back in town for the summer -- how am I supposed to explain to them that I’m living in some kinda commie home where miscreant little students walk around in their ungodly birthday suits, kombucha-filled mason jars in hand, chattering among themselves, ‘free the nipple’ this and ‘save the bees’ that?”...


UW College Republicans To Hold “Pragmatism Cook Out"

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

After enormous success in antagonizing people during their “Affirmative Action Bake Sale,” last Friday, May 3, the UW College Republicans (UWCR) — not to be confused with a similarly dispositioned gaping wound — has decided to continue pursuing food-themed events that blow.

Accordingly, UWCR will hold a “Pragmatism Cook Out” next Friday, May 17....


UWCR Kicked Out of Shitty People Association (SPA) for Being “Too Shitty”

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by ALYSON PODESTA AND ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In an insane self-burn early this May, the College Republicans of the University of Washington (UWCR) posted a screenshot of an official statement issued from the Washington College Republican Federation, which formally announced that the UWCR is not affiliated with the Federation and that they did not sanction the UWCR’s recent bake fale. The statement concluded with a condemnation of racism and bigotry....


LOL: 4 Things All Girlfriends TOTALLY Say

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by ARMON MAHDAVI

LITERALLY ALL GUYS WITH GIRLFRIENDS WILL RELATE HAHAH

#1

“Hey! How was your day today?”

OMG GET OFF MY BACK LMAO YOU’RE NOT MY THERAPIST! YOU FEEL?

#2

“I feel like you’ve been more quiet than usual recently. It’s totally fine if you need space, but just know I’m here for you whenever you need me.”...


Having 21st Century Problems? Try 15th Century Solutions

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by ALYSON PODESTA AND ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In recent years, concern about the safety of vaccination has become widespread. If you worry that your child will get autism from modern vaccines, we have solutions for some other problems you may have!

Having period cramps? Trying dying of cholera young, before puberty hits. Too much traffic on your morning commute? Get a horse. Ride it exclusively on backroads to your destination....


2019’s Top Buildings for Boinking

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by THE EDITORIAL BOARD

Feeling frisky? Reference this obviously non-exhaustive e-guide for the best and worst campus locations to do the hanky panky.

Top Tier Shit

These buildings are impeccably out-of-the-way, experience little traffic, and have rooms with few to no windows.

  • Fishery Sciences
  • Ceramic and Metal Arts
  • Hughes Penthouse Theatre
  • Loew

It’s Better Than a Lot of Other Places, Okay?

We wouldn’t seek out these buildings, but they’re not bad options for the bold soul. Many are somewhat central (a real negative), and those which are not experience significant foot traffic (also a negative). All the same, these buildings are either generally quiet and with nooks and crannies overlooked enough to serve as viable options for some nookie, or as is the case with the IMA, they have spaces where inconspicuousness is a nonissue. Locker room showers, for instance, can be a good option during the midday slog or following the dinnertime bustle....


Analyst Projects UW Will Reopen As a Thriving Business Following Spring Break Closures

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

After analysis of the University of Washington’s 2019 winter quarter, business analyst Jennifer Nguyen has projected that UW Seattle will reopen with high profits, healthy business prospects, and a beaming Board of Directors (Regents) following its spring break closures.

Nguyen explains that her conclusions are based on an examination of a number of criteria, including but not limited to ignored demands for campus improvements, gummy bear type and distribution, and the Board of Directors’ recent decision to begin production of Husky brand credit cards, soon to be nearly the only form of payment accepted on campus....


“Bezos’s Balls” Retract Into Ground During Cold Weather

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by JULIAN O'LEARY

SEATTLE — Amazon’s iconic glass spheres in South Lake Union have “shrunk" due to the drop in temperatures during February’s snowstorm. The balls retracted approximately 20 feet into the warmth of the ground when the storm started on Feb. 4th in order to maintain a reasonable temperature inside for plants and workers....


BREAKING: Seattle “Smart Tunnel” Can’t Work Under These Conditions Either, OKAY??

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by JULIAN O'LEARY

Washington State Department of Transit (WSDOT) announced early Monday morning that they will be closing the Alaskan Way Viaduct replacement tunnel for an indefinite period due to snow.

The tunnel is one of the first “smart tunnels” in the world, designed to put out fires and flooding automatically, however, its engineers warn that it is still a Seattle tunnel at heart, so it comes with its limitations....


Beached Orca Card Saved in Dramatic Rescue

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by ARTHUR MILANI

Madison Park residents rejoiced on Saturday after the successful rescue of an Orca Card that had been stranded on Madison Park North Beach.

Beachgoer Rachel Ulrich spotted the card partially buried in the sand last Friday morning, and within half an hour a team of impassioned volunteers had quickly assembled to return the beached Orca Card to the ocean....


UW Student Sent Into Rapid Downward Spiral After Three Weeks of Watching Only 80s Movies Nominated for MTV Movie Awards for Best Kiss

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

For UW undergraduate Jazmín Santos, this year’s winter break was not all cookies and fudge, and relatives were not the only sources of consternation. Her three weeks of vacation were a whirlwind of unexpected experiences and challenging revelations that produced a steaming-fresh identity crisis.

“I never knew I had it in me to watch so many romantic films from the 80s. I’m just not that kind of girl,” explained Santos in an interview with The Fishwrapper, confusion growing in her eyes. “I wince at intense, emotional dance scenes and relationships based on nothing but a shared cigarette. At least, that’s what I thought.”...


Merry Capitalismus, From Our Family to Yours

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by THE EDITORIAL BOARD

From our family to yours, Merry Capitalismus! This is what some of the gang has been up to:

Fishwrapper Capitalist (Treasurer) Sasha Jenkins has had a great year diligently collecting Silly Banz©️ and playing with her friends at Webkins.com. You can catch her online, Webkins username @sasha-webkins.

Web Editor Zane Littrell has passed another uneventful quarter at UW Tacoma. His only excitements have been the opportunity to explain the complexity and emotional depth of Bojack Horseman to unwilling listeners, as well as the joy of changing the font on The Fishwrapper’s website for the fifth time....


Fishwrapper Staff on Strike, Demanding Higher Wages, More Functional Chairs

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by THE EDITORIAL BOARD

The staff of The Fishwrapper has been on strike since Oct 12, refusing to write (although at peak production, they only write one article every two months), design graphics, or change the font on the website for the fifth time. They cited poor working conditions (no heating at the meeting place) and low (zero) pay....


Woman Mugged on The Ave in Plain Daylight, Points Finger at Notify.UW

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by Charlotte Houston

UW SEATTLE — The UW police department sent out a “Notification of Criminal Incident” reporting a mugging on the Ave at an unusual time last Tuesday.

The alert read:

On Tuesday, March 26, 2019, around 1:15 PM, a woman reported being mugged in the area of University Way and 41st Avenue NE. Her backpack was stolen right off her shoulders....



Ghosts in Haggett, McMahon Upset About North Campus Renovation Plans

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by ARTHUR MILANI

Following a budget-induced delay in the demolition of Haggett Hall, University of Washington Housing and Food Services (HFS) commissioned a small team of local mediums to interview the ghosts that haunt Haggett and McMahon Halls about the plans to modernize North Campus. The spirit body overwhelmingly disapproved of the impending changes, mediums reported Tuesday....


College Republicans Counter Low Turnout With Mannequins

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

Following a record-low number of new recruits on the first day of the Registered Student Organization (RSO) Fair at the beginning of the year, the College Republicans have resorted to using mannequins elaborately decorated in club merchandise to pad their member count during recruitment on the second day of the Fair....


Report: Seattle Blackberry Bushes Play Defense in Sizeism Scandal

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Loved by some, despised by most, Seattle’s invasive blackberry bushes are ripe with sweet, saccharine little berries — and controversy.

Seattle’s Rubus ursinus are the centerpiece in a lawsuit filed against the city of Seattle: Ali, Jacobs, Mueller, Schmidt, & Carol v. City of Seattle. The prosecuting party, two men and three women of heights ranging from 5’1” to 5’5”, claim that the blackberry bushes produce berries in such a way that is inaccessible for those of small stature, perpetuating sizeism already built into the structure of the urban landscape....


Seattle Student Begins Move-Out Process 2 Months Early Rather Than Confronting Shitty Subletter

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UW sophomore Harley Jackson decided last Tuesday that rather than confront her exceptionally shitty subletting roommate about all of the ways in which that subletting roommate is truly, honest to god, so very terrible, Jackson made a firm decision to begin inconspicuously moving out of her apartment two months before her lease was up. Jackson cited jarring and unmuted 8 am guitar playing, painful 7 am cat predation, memorably unpleasant aroma, cat litter carpeting of the hardwood floors, absence of personal boundaries, questionable values, awkward advances, and a steady stream of characters flowing in and out of her shared room as a sample of the reasons for Jackson’s decision....


UW Free & For Sale Facebook Page Bans the Sale of Anything Other than Absolutely Useless Shit

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

On Saturday, a post in the UW Free & For Sale page incited controversy that lead to sweeping new regulations over the kinds of things people should be able to sell on the page.

“Hey, so this page should only be for selling stuff that absolutely no one could possibly want,” read one of the many comments on the post that has now been reported and deleted. The seller in question attempted to pawn his lightly used bike for a reasonable price....


White Female Student Calls UWPD on Group of Black Male Students Playing Spikeball in the Quad

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM AND CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

University of Washington Seattle — UWPD responded to a call made by UW senior Jessica Stanhold last Tuesday. The distressed white female student reported a “threatening group of men” engaging in “really aggressive” behavior in a tight-knit circle in the Quad.

When UWPD arrived, Stanhold immediately began to cry, whimpering, “Thank god you’re here. I’ve been waiting literally forever — they’ve been so mean. I was so scared.” In her account of the event, Stanhold claimed that a black student in the group had told her to move out of the way, which “really hurt,” and that the group had threatened her with some kind of weapon called a “spike, which I assume is urban talk for something nasty.” According to Stanhold, another also told her that she was being racist, which Stanhold called “bullying” and “brutish.”...


UW Out-Of-State Student Finally Adjusts to Seattle Freeze, Goes on Hike, Is Socially Overwhelmed

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

University of Washington sophomore and Seattle transplant Peter Singh is suing the Washington Trails Association (WTA) after suffering severe emotional distress on a local hike last Tuesday. Singh was confronted with two years’ worth of social interaction in one afternoon, and having adjusted to the notorious “Seattle Freeze,” the UW student was left wholly unprepared for the hike, rated “easy to moderate” on the WTA page. Singh claims that in fact, the hike ought to either be rated “difficult” or have warnings listed to inform potential hikers of social injuries which could befall them....


Shrine to Elon Musk Found in Basement of Computer Science and Engineering Building

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

UW janitors cleaning the Paul G. Allen Center for Computer Science and Engineering (CSE) made a grisly discovery last week. At the end of a rarely used basement hallway, staff found what appears to be a shrine dedicated to SpaceX CEO Elon Musk.

The shrine featured a 3D-printed bowl which leaked a “foul smelling” combination of what was found to be Soylent and Monster before a photo of the Tesla co-founder. Also present were piles of printed code, which even experts considered indecipherable....


UW President Ana Mari Cauce Makes Counteroffer in Light of TA Strike: “You can take cash tips.”

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM AND ALYSON PODESTA

University of Washington – UW President Ana Mari Cauce addressed the university’s student employee body on Wednesday, proposing a new counteroffer during continued contract negotiations. “The UW prides itself on its equity, inclusion, and fair practices. That’s why we’re with you. On your side. Regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, class, or religion, everyone can take advantage of the beauty that is our capitalist system. In line with these pillars of Husky doctrine, you may now accept tips. This is a major win for you kids, you know.”...



Stupid Girl Thinks She Knows When Her Midterm Is, Doesn’t

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON — In a surprising development, university sources have found that The Fishwrapper Editor-in-Chief and local stupid girl Elle Bernbaum can’t distinguish the accurate date of her Particles and Symmetries midterm from her own ass. “I knew something was off when she met us with a casual, ‘Hey y’all’ during lecture the day before and wanted to do the homework instead of studying,” said classmate Cole MacCulloch, who had come to the shaky conclusion that Bernbaum must have been feeling confident about the test. “I should have known. It’s not her way.” Investigators have determined that the haphazardly wired garbage storage system she’s using as a brain is at fault. “It seems the date, although clearly written in her notebook, got lost en route from her optic nerve to what’s left of her flailing medial temporal lobe,” said investigator Jean Carraway. “This technology is from the ‘90s — of course it’s failing. I personally use a MacBook Surface Pro, and I recommend it to all analog dinosaurs like Bernbaum.”...


UW Resilience Lab Holds Workshop for Failing Forward in Red Square When It’s Raining

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UW Resilience Lab held a workshop on March 30 in Kane Hall to address, respect, and overcome the challenges that so many Huskies face crossing Red Square in the rain. “Falling on your ass time and time again takes an emotional toll, and that burden must be named,” explained the organizer of the event, Moon Stephens. “We embrace failure as a necessary step in learning, but we also acknowledge the emotional impact failure has on all of us.”...


Area Man Has Watched all of Rick and Morty, Is Smarter than You

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by RICKY SPAULDING AND ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“It’s actually so well done,” says Peter Davis, a University of Washington Junior who is confident that you will be skeptical because of the show’s animated format and goofy humor. “Like, obviously it’s really out there, but the writing is amazing. It gets so dark.” Davis goes on to explain that Rick is a complex anti-hero whose character is both abhorrent and sympathetic, using the words, “compelling,” “nuanced,” and “actually” several times for emphasis. “It’s cool because it’s like very meta,” he claims, before detailing the show’s profound self-awareness with passionate verbal synopses of several episodes. Still talking at press time, Davis insists that “it’s one of those shows that really demands a lot of perceptive thought. Like, on the surface, it’s really goofy, but it gets away with it because on a deeper level, it delves into some really heavy, philosophical concepts.” Pressed on the philosophy of the show, Davis explains, “It’s amazing. They talk about like mortality and the meaning of life… but in like a very nuanced and meaningful way. It’s all about nihilism, and godlessness, and do you know Camus? You should look up Camus. Dan Harmon is definitely an absurdist. And, I can’t believe McDonalds is actually bringing back Szechuan Sauce. I’m really excited to try it, but also, of course they would try to capitalize off of messaging that like doesn’t at all support their system of production. You know? You kind of just have to watch the show to get it.”...


Female Professor with 30 Years of Experience in Her Field Realizes She Knows Nothing and Boy Student Knows Everything

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

U-DISTRICT, SEATTLE – Confirming that the sophomore has now referenced every new concept to which he’s been exposed in his first two weeks working in materials lab, sources report that local male peer Evan Peterson has confidently asked his female professor yet another question beginning with, “But have you considered . . . ” Sources cite that by all accounts, plans of thoroughly impressing all of the class and illustrating that he and the professor of 20 years are “intellectual equals when it comes to this stuff” were brought to life when Peterson loudly and authoritatively spoke his mind last Tuesday. Working in as many SAT prep words as he could recall in comfortable recline, Peterson showed that he’s special and knowledgeable....


Cauce Announces New “Pepper Spray for Boundless Seagulls” in Suzzallo and Odegaard Library Vending Machines

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Vending machines in Suzzallo and Ode will soon offer pepper spray for boundless birds, according to a statement released by President Ana Mari Cauce. The move came in response to the violent and bloody attack of freshman Katie Thomson by a wild-eyed seagull in Red Square.

Thomson reportedly saw the bird eyeing her Moto Surf mac ‘n’ cheese hungrily, and thought it acceptable and generous to offer the bird a noodle. “After that, everything changed,” said Thomson, recalling the attack in an interview later. “First, it wouldn’t break eye contact. It started salivating. Drips of mayo and spit fell from its beak as it stepped closer, hungry, or thirsty—bloodthirsty. It took another step my way. I kept an eye on it and took another bite. It stepped closer again. And closer.” The crazed bird, which behaved fairly normally for the UW species of gull, then proceeded to assault Thomson, allegedly “picking at my hands with its beak until I gave up my fork,” which it then kicked aside in its aggressively face-first pursuit of the macaroni dish. Four minutes later, the gull departed, head fully coated in mayonnaise and shredded carrot, with designs to plunder and terrorize another student by The Sunrise Griddle. After suffering injuries amounting to bloodied and bruised hands and a hardened heart, Thomson called her financially healthy parents, who then pressured Cauce to make progress to right this egregious wrong....