Local

Report: Seattle Blackberry Bushes Play Defense in Sizeism Scandal

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Loved by some, despised by most, Seattle’s invasive blackberry bushes are ripe with sweet, saccharine little berries — and controversy.

Seattle’s Rubus ursinus are the centerpiece in a lawsuit filed against the city of Seattle: Ali, Jacobs, Mueller, Schmidt, & Carol v. City of Seattle. The prosecuting party, two men and three women of heights ranging from 5’1” to 5’5”, claim that the blackberry bushes produce berries in such a way that is inaccessible for those of small stature, perpetuating sizeism already built into the structure of the urban landscape...



UW Free & For Sale Facebook Page Bans the Sale of Anything Other than Absolutely Useless Shit

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

On Saturday, a post in the UW Free & For Sale page incited controversy that lead to sweeping new regulations over the kinds of things people should be able to sell on the page.

“Hey, so this page should only be for selling stuff that absolutely no one could possibly want,” read one of the many comments on the post that has now been reported and deleted...


White Female Student Calls UWPD on Group of Black Male Students Playing Spikeball in the Quad

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM AND CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

University of Washington Seattle — UWPD responded to a call made by UW senior Jessica Stanhold last Tuesday. The distressed white female student reported a “threatening group of men” engaging in “really aggressive” behavior in a tight-knit circle in the Quad.

When UWPD arrived, Stanhold immediately began to cry, whimpering, “Thank god you’re here...


UW Out-Of-State Student Finally Adjusts to Seattle Freeze, Goes on Hike, Is Socially Overwhelmed

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

University of Washington sophomore and Seattle transplant Peter Singh is suing the Washington Trails Association (WTA) after suffering severe emotional distress on a local hike last Tuesday. Singh was confronted with two years’ worth of social interaction in one afternoon, and having adjusted to the notorious “Seattle Freeze,” the UW student was left wholly unprepared for the hike, rated “easy to moderate” on the WTA page...


Shrine to Elon Musk Found in Basement of Computer Science and Engineering Building

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

UW janitors cleaning the Paul G. Allen Center for Computer Science and Engineering (CSE) made a grisly discovery last week. At the end of a rarely used basement hallway, staff found what appears to be a shrine dedicated to SpaceX CEO Elon Musk.

The shrine featured a 3D-printed bowl which leaked a “foul smelling” combination of what was found to be Soylent and Monster before a photo of the Tesla co-founder...



UW President Ana Mari Cauce Makes Counteroffer in Light of TA Strike: “You can take cash tips.”

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM AND ALYSON PODESTA

University of Washington – UW President Ana Mari Cauce addressed the university’s student employee body on Wednesday, proposing a new counteroffer during continued contract negotiations. “The UW prides itself on its equity, inclusion, and fair practices. That’s why we’re with you. On your side. Regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, class, or religion, everyone can take advantage of the beauty that is our capitalist system...


Stupid Girl Thinks She Knows When Her Midterm Is, Doesn’t

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON — In a surprising development, university sources have found that The Fishwrapper Editor-in-Chief and local stupid girl Elle Bernbaum can’t distinguish the accurate date of her Particles and Symmetries midterm from her own ass. “I knew something was off when she met us with a casual, ‘Hey y’all’ during lecture the day before and wanted to do the homework instead of studying,” said classmate Cole MacCulloch, who had come to the shaky conclusion that Bernbaum must have been feeling confident about the test...


UW Resilience Lab Holds Workshop for Failing Forward in Red Square When It’s Raining

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UW Resilience Lab held a workshop on March 30 in Kane Hall to address, respect, and overcome the challenges that so many Huskies face crossing Red Square in the rain. “Falling on your ass time and time again takes an emotional toll, and that burden must be named,” explained the organizer of the event, Moon Stephens. “We embrace failure as a necessary step in learning, but we also acknowledge the emotional impact failure has on all of us...


Area Man Has Watched all of Rick and Morty, Is Smarter than You

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by RICKY SPAULDING AND ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“It’s actually so well done,” says Peter Davis, a University of Washington Junior who is confident that you will be skeptical because of the show’s animated format and goofy humor. “Like, obviously it’s really out there, but the writing is amazing. It gets so dark.” Davis goes on to explain that Rick is a complex anti-hero whose character is both abhorrent and sympathetic, using the words, “compelling,” “nuanced,” and “actually” several times for emphasis...


Cauce Announces New “Pepper Spray for Boundless Seagulls” in Suzzallo and Odegaard Library Vending Machines

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Vending machines in Suzzallo and Ode will soon offer pepper spray for boundless birds, according to a statement released by President Ana Mari Cauce. The move came in response to the violent and bloody attack of freshman Katie Thomson by a wild-eyed seagull in Red Square.

Thomson reportedly saw the bird eyeing her Moto Surf mac ‘n’ cheese hungrily, and thought it acceptable and generous to offer the bird a noodle...