Local

Analyst Projects UW Will Reopen As a Thriving Business Following Spring Break Closures

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

After analysis of the University of Washington’s 2019 winter quarter, business analyst Jennifer Nguyen has projected that UW Seattle will reopen with high profits, healthy business prospects, and a beaming Board of Directors (Regents) following its spring break closures.

Nguyen explains that her conclusions are based on an examination of a number of criteria, including but not limited to ignored demands for campus improvements, gummy bear type and distribution, and the Board of Directors’ recent decision to begin production of Husky brand credit cards, soon to be nearly the only form of payment accepted on campus...


“Bezos’s Balls” Retract Into Ground During Cold Weather

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by JULIAN O'LEARY

SEATTLE — Amazon’s iconic glass spheres in South Lake Union have “shrunk" due to the drop in temperatures during February’s snowstorm. The balls retracted approximately 20 feet into the warmth of the ground when the storm started on Feb. 4th in order to maintain a reasonable temperature inside for plants and workers...


BREAKING: Seattle “Smart Tunnel” Can’t Work Under These Conditions Either, OKAY??

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by JULIAN O'LEARY

Washington State Department of Transit (WSDOT) announced early Monday morning that they will be closing the Alaskan Way Viaduct replacement tunnel for an indefinite period due to snow.

The tunnel is one of the first “smart tunnels” in the world, designed to put out fires and flooding automatically, however, its engineers warn that it is still a Seattle tunnel at heart, so it comes with its limitations...


Beached Orca Card Saved in Dramatic Rescue

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by ARTHUR MILANI

Madison Park residents rejoiced on Saturday after the successful rescue of an Orca Card that had been stranded on Madison Park North Beach.

Beachgoer Rachel Ulrich spotted the card partially buried in the sand last Friday morning, and within half an hour a team of impassioned volunteers had quickly assembled to return the beached Orca Card to the ocean...


UW Student Sent Into Rapid Downward Spiral After Three Weeks of Watching Only 80s Movies Nominated for MTV Movie Awards for Best Kiss

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

For UW undergraduate Jazmín Santos, this year’s winter break was not all cookies and fudge, and relatives were not the only sources of consternation. Her three weeks of vacation were a whirlwind of unexpected experiences and challenging revelations that produced a steaming-fresh identity crisis.

“I never knew I had it in me to watch so many romantic films from the 80s...


Merry Capitalismus, From Our Family to Yours

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by THE EDITORIAL BOARD

From our family to yours, Merry Capitalismus! This is what some of the gang has been up to:

Fishwrapper Capitalist (Treasurer) Sasha Jenkins has had a great year diligently collecting Silly Banz©️ and playing with her friends at Webkins.com. You can catch her online, Webkins username @sasha-webkins.

Web Editor Zane Littrell has passed another uneventful quarter at UW Tacoma...


Fishwrapper Staff on Strike, Demanding Higher Wages, More Functional Chairs

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by THE EDITORIAL BOARD

The staff of The Fishwrapper has been on strike since Oct 12, refusing to write (although at peak production, they only write one article every two months), design graphics, or change the font on the website for the fifth time. They cited poor working conditions (no heating at the meeting place) and low (zero) pay...



Ghosts in Haggett, McMahon Upset About North Campus Renovation Plans

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by ARTHUR MILANI

Following a budget-induced delay in the demolition of Haggett Hall, University of Washington Housing and Food Services (HFS) commissioned a small team of local mediums to interview the ghosts that haunt Haggett and McMahon Halls about the plans to modernize North Campus. The spirit body overwhelmingly disapproved of the impending changes, mediums reported Tuesday...


College Republicans Counter Low Turnout With Mannequins

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

Following a record-low number of new recruits on the first day of the Registered Student Organization (RSO) Fair at the beginning of the year, the College Republicans have resorted to using mannequins elaborately decorated in club merchandise to pad their member count during recruitment on the second day of the Fair...


Report: Seattle Blackberry Bushes Play Defense in Sizeism Scandal

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Loved by some, despised by most, Seattle’s invasive blackberry bushes are ripe with sweet, saccharine little berries — and controversy.

Seattle’s Rubus ursinus are the centerpiece in a lawsuit filed against the city of Seattle: Ali, Jacobs, Mueller, Schmidt, & Carol v. City of Seattle. The prosecuting party, two men and three women of heights ranging from 5’1” to 5’5”, claim that the blackberry bushes produce berries in such a way that is inaccessible for those of small stature, perpetuating sizeism already built into the structure of the urban landscape...



UW Free & For Sale Facebook Page Bans the Sale of Anything Other than Absolutely Useless Shit

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

On Saturday, a post in the UW Free & For Sale page incited controversy that lead to sweeping new regulations over the kinds of things people should be able to sell on the page.

“Hey, so this page should only be for selling stuff that absolutely no one could possibly want,” read one of the many comments on the post that has now been reported and deleted...


White Female Student Calls UWPD on Group of Black Male Students Playing Spikeball in the Quad

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM AND CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

University of Washington Seattle — UWPD responded to a call made by UW senior Jessica Stanhold last Tuesday. The distressed white female student reported a “threatening group of men” engaging in “really aggressive” behavior in a tight-knit circle in the Quad.

When UWPD arrived, Stanhold immediately began to cry, whimpering, “Thank god you’re here...


UW Out-Of-State Student Finally Adjusts to Seattle Freeze, Goes on Hike, Is Socially Overwhelmed

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

University of Washington sophomore and Seattle transplant Peter Singh is suing the Washington Trails Association (WTA) after suffering severe emotional distress on a local hike last Tuesday. Singh was confronted with two years’ worth of social interaction in one afternoon, and having adjusted to the notorious “Seattle Freeze,” the UW student was left wholly unprepared for the hike, rated “easy to moderate” on the WTA page...


Shrine to Elon Musk Found in Basement of Computer Science and Engineering Building

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

UW janitors cleaning the Paul G. Allen Center for Computer Science and Engineering (CSE) made a grisly discovery last week. At the end of a rarely used basement hallway, staff found what appears to be a shrine dedicated to SpaceX CEO Elon Musk.

The shrine featured a 3D-printed bowl which leaked a “foul smelling” combination of what was found to be Soylent and Monster before a photo of the Tesla co-founder...



UW President Ana Mari Cauce Makes Counteroffer in Light of TA Strike: “You can take cash tips.”

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM AND ALYSON PODESTA

University of Washington – UW President Ana Mari Cauce addressed the university’s student employee body on Wednesday, proposing a new counteroffer during continued contract negotiations. “The UW prides itself on its equity, inclusion, and fair practices. That’s why we’re with you. On your side. Regardless of race, sexual orientation, gender identity, class, or religion, everyone can take advantage of the beauty that is our capitalist system...


Stupid Girl Thinks She Knows When Her Midterm Is, Doesn’t

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON — In a surprising development, university sources have found that The Fishwrapper Editor-in-Chief and local stupid girl Elle Bernbaum can’t distinguish the accurate date of her Particles and Symmetries midterm from her own ass. “I knew something was off when she met us with a casual, ‘Hey y’all’ during lecture the day before and wanted to do the homework instead of studying,” said classmate Cole MacCulloch, who had come to the shaky conclusion that Bernbaum must have been feeling confident about the test...


UW Resilience Lab Holds Workshop for Failing Forward in Red Square When It’s Raining

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

UW Resilience Lab held a workshop on March 30 in Kane Hall to address, respect, and overcome the challenges that so many Huskies face crossing Red Square in the rain. “Falling on your ass time and time again takes an emotional toll, and that burden must be named,” explained the organizer of the event, Moon Stephens. “We embrace failure as a necessary step in learning, but we also acknowledge the emotional impact failure has on all of us...


Area Man Has Watched all of Rick and Morty, Is Smarter than You

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by RICKY SPAULDING AND ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“It’s actually so well done,” says Peter Davis, a University of Washington Junior who is confident that you will be skeptical because of the show’s animated format and goofy humor. “Like, obviously it’s really out there, but the writing is amazing. It gets so dark.” Davis goes on to explain that Rick is a complex anti-hero whose character is both abhorrent and sympathetic, using the words, “compelling,” “nuanced,” and “actually” several times for emphasis...


Cauce Announces New “Pepper Spray for Boundless Seagulls” in Suzzallo and Odegaard Library Vending Machines

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Vending machines in Suzzallo and Ode will soon offer pepper spray for boundless birds, according to a statement released by President Ana Mari Cauce. The move came in response to the violent and bloody attack of freshman Katie Thomson by a wild-eyed seagull in Red Square.

Thomson reportedly saw the bird eyeing her Moto Surf mac ‘n’ cheese hungrily, and thought it acceptable and generous to offer the bird a noodle...