Politics


Clarence Thomas Welcomes Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, Launching Supreme Boys’ Club

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In an effort to welcome Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court and encourage greater collegial fraternizing and camaraderie on the bench, Justice Clarence Thomas launched the Supreme Court’s new social club, “The Supreme Boys.”

The club, comprised of Justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, and Brett Kavanaugh, will host its first get-together at the “Governed Bodies,” strip club, located in basement of the West Wing of the White House....


Senate Republicans Push New Legislation to the Floor: “Keep Our Women and Men Safe”

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In the wake of Brett Kavanaugh’s tumultuous and painful confirmation hearings, Senate Republicans determined that they would allow the Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act expire this year. In its place, the majority, led by Orrin Hatch (R-UT) pushed to the floor new legislation entitled “Keep Our Women and Men Safe.”...




Recording of God Calling Trump to Tell Him Not to Run for Office Recently Released

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

A recording capturing contact between God and President Trump has recently been released to the public. While previous alleged conversations between the United States executive and the divine have typically been reported in the context of support for entering into war or steering the economy in a particular direction, this recording deals with a matter of far lesser complexity....


Kavanaugh Delivers Compelling Reasoning Supporting His Innocence: “I Don’t Try to Fuck Anyone in a One-Piece”

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In his sworn testimony during last Tuesday’s hearing, Kavanaugh offered persuasive evidence unequivocally proving his innocence. “Look,” reasoned Kavanaugh, “I couldn’t have sexually assaulted Ford that night. I don’t fuck girls in one-piece swimsuits. And she was wearing one. I mean, she says she was wearing one. You see? Her story just doesn’t hold up. If I was going to try to rape someone, it would be someone in a two-piece. She would have to look totally hot. I go for tens. You hear me? I’m innocent.”...


Senators Graham and Hatch Join Kavanaugh in Drunkenly Texting 130 Million American Women Dick Pics and an Image of their Own Bodies Twisted into a Massive Middle Finger

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In an exquisite display of groundbreaking choreography, superb muscular strength, and dramatic bodily flexibility, Senators Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Orrin Hatch (R-UT) arranged themselves with Brett “Whining-Baby-Grab-Hands” Kavanaugh into a human man sized middle finger last Tuesday following the Ford-Kavanaugh testimonies and invited blonde female aides to take images. Immediately after, the three jointly drunk-texted one such choice image to millions of women across the US, followed by a litany of dick pics....


Kasich Transforms into Cool Older Friend Who “Gets” Young People in Months Leading Up to 2020 Presidential Candidacy Announcement

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Former Republican presidential candidate and current Governor of Ohio John Kasich transformed into a cool older friend last Thursday during a requested interview with a reporter from The Fishwrapper.

“I just go along with the flow,” said the 66-year-old in the interview, slouched, foot playing with the penny board on which he arrived. “Some Republicans just don’t get it. I know that’s been a frustration for people your age, and I want you to know I do. I really get it. I don’t buy what the Republican Party has become. I’m not just some eyes-closed old Boomer who isn’t in touch with the changing times. I know dope has some positive medicinal qualities, and I know it’s time for common-sense gun control."...



Breaking: Trump Compares Yet Another School Shooting to That Email We’ve All Been Avoiding for Months

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

In the wake of Friday’s school shooting in Santa Fe, TX, which left at least 8 dead, the third of its kind in the past eight days, President Donald Trump offered his condolences.

“This has been going on too long in our country. Too many years. Too many decades now,” he said in a press conference. “It’s a very tough topic to talk about. Very tough, especially for me. You people — I’ve got something that will help you understand this a little bit, how it works here — you people know that email that you’ve been avoiding replying to for ages? Ages. Like, it’s been so long, that now, it feels like it’s not right to respond anymore? That’s what gun control is for people in this business, and now I’m in this business, so that’s what it is for me.”...


Breaking: Death of 50 Palestinian Protesters is the Featured Component of Netanyahu’s “Love Collage,” a Romantic Gift to his Beau, Trump

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In a touching gesture to boyfriend American President Donald Trump, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu delicately pieced together Israeli emulations of rhetoric and action from decades of infamous American doctrine into a “Love Collage.” Most prominently featured in the collage is the recent death of 50 brown men peacefully protesting against unjust political circumstance....


US Extends Steel, Aluminum Tariffs to Cosmos

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by JUSTIN MILLER

Thursday morning, US trade representative Robert Lighthizer announced new targets for the recent steel and aluminum tariffs implemented as a part of President Trump’s “America First” policy.

“Time after time, President Trump has acknowledged that the US has consistently gotten the raw end of trade deals made between nations under the last administration, and he doesn’t want to see that kind of poor strategic planning in our cosmic affairs," said Lighthizer. "We’ve landed on the moon, but we haven’t created comprehensive trade policy with Mars. This is unacceptable.”...


Trump So Close to Correctly Guessing Which Country He Just Bombed, Mattis Nearly Swoons

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

MAR-A-LAGO — President of the United States Donald Trump so nearly correctly guessed the country against which he ordered a 59-missile attack, that for one fleeting moment, Secretary of Defense James Mattis lost himself in the sweet, tantalizing fantasy of functional leadership. Sources report that Mad Dog Mattis nearly swooned as Trump claimed that the US had just attacked Iraq, the neighboring country with three of the same letters as the actual target, Syria. Ears filled with the mellifluous tones of a poor pronunciation of the nation in the Levant, minimally similar to Syria in that the US made utterly bad decisions with regard to both, Warrior Monk Mattis felt the tingling warmth of what could have been. A perfumed breeze tenderly swaddled him in a blissfully euphoric peace as memories of #I’mWithHer tweets and blue “H” stickers lazily drifted before his mind’s eye. Images of pantsuits and qualifications allegedly teased Mattis with memories of long-gone opportunities both heartachingly pleasant and consequently cruel_ . . . A pantsuit folded into a red and white striped rose, blossomed, emitting smart and sharp white stars from its delicate blue center, transformed into a gun-wielding, pantsuit-wearing eagle with proud eyes keenly trained on the Middle East, then abruptly vomited up a chocolate cake._...


Conservative German Minister of Interior Preemptively Changes Party Logo to Swastika in an Attempt to Sway Far-Right Voters

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by SONALI BEHER

BERLIN – Horst Seehofer, newly elected German Minister of the Interior, has announced on Monday that he will add a swastika to the blue lettering of his party’s acronym, the Christian Social Union, in an attempt to outrun Germany’s far-right party, the AfD.

“It would fit best next to the Christian C, I think,” Seehofer told an aide who presented him with a first draft of the altered logo, when reporters from The Fishwrapper met him earlier this week....


Obama Stops to Pet Dog, Nation Forgets About Latest Trump Scandal

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

Former president Barack Obama was photographed petting a dog on a street in a suburb of Chicago, IL last Wednesday. Within hours, the words “labradoodle” and “schnoodle” were trending on Twitter, as the photos incited controversy for dog-lovers everywhere trying to identify the breed.

White House sources reported that shortly after the story broke, aides were unable to coax current president Donald Trump to leave his place in front of the TV, where CNN had dedicated three hours of coverage to the story and the subsequent discussion of “Best Dog Breeds For Your Personality.” Trump was reportedly “trembling with rage.”...


President Trump is “The Least Anti-Semantic Person You Know”

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

During a press address last week, in response to questions regarding the rise of Neonazi groups in the United States, President Donald Trump announced, “I am the least anti-Semantic person you know.” The president reportedly went on to explain, “You know, my daughter Ivanka, I mean she’s not technically, but her husband is a Semantic person, and he’s, he’s great, very reliable.”...


In New Statement, Jeff Sessions Urges Nation to “Just Chill Out”

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by RICKY SPAULDING

On Friday evening, Jeff Sessions called a press conference to discuss his shifting policy stance on the decriminalization of marijuana. After a delay of several minutes, he appeared behind the podium visibly chilled out. In a departure from traditional decorum, he wore Crocs and a T-shirt advertising the popular ska/punk group Sublime tucked into lime-colored board shorts, with an acoustic guitar slung across his chest. After noodling around with the chorus from “Santeria” for a few minutes, Sessions unfolded his new policy position. Citing recent research conducted by “the Jeffy-boi himself,” Sessions insisted that “a little sticky-icky never hurt anybody.” Further, he claimed that if we all “just chill out,” we’ll realize that “we all came from Mother Gaia after all, so let’s just vibe with each other and enjoy the fruits of her soils.” Pressed on his controversial support of debtor’s prisons, Sessions replied, “Maybe the real prison is our skewed perception of reality, ya know? Like do you ever feel like you’re just a spectator, and your body is like a viewing room for this inaccessible outside world?”...


Breaking: 6-Year-Old Majority Leader Mitch McConnell Has Plugged His Ears and Won’t Stop Saying “I Can’t Hear You”

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“I can’t hear you, la la la la la,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell repeated for the sixth time on Thursday after the entire nation and Congressional body told him that they wanted gun regulations. McConnell then reportedly hid under a desk in the Old Senate Chamber until the Senate adjourned at 4:57 p.m., at which point Assistant Majority Leader John Cornyn coaxed McConnell to crawl out after negotiations ending in the promise of a cookie and extending bedtime by 30 minutes. “He’s had a big day,” Cornyn stated. “He gets grouchy without his 2 o’clock nap, which he had to skip today because the Democrats were being too noisy in the other room. We’ll try again on Monday.”...


Scott Pruitt Can't Remember Whether It's "Nuclear" Or "Nucular"

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by RICKY SPAULDING

EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt could not remember whether it was “nuclear” or “nucular” in a recent interview on alternative energy. Asked about diversifying U.S. energy production, he replied “To be competitive in a global energy market, we must continue to invest in natural gas and nucular . . . nucular? Nucular energy? Nu . . . that doesn’t sound right. Hold on.” After a strenuous Google search, he put down his phone in confused frustration: “I looked it up, but I don’t know how to read those weird little characters they use to tell you how to pronounce words! You know what I’m talking about?”...


Bird that Landed on Bernie Sanders’ Podium Now Regrets Not Choosing the Establishment Candidate, but at the Time “Didn’t Believe Trump Could Really Win.”

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by RICKY SPAULDING

Claiming that it was “swept up in the revolutionary sentiment of [Bernie Sanders’s] campaign,” the bird that landed on Sanders’s podium at a campaign rally in Portland, Oregon, is now expressing remorse for supporting the “grassroots socialist fantasy” Bernie promised. “I guess at the time I didn’t believe Trump could really win,” the small bird lamented during an exclusive interview with this reporter last week, “but now that he has, it’s obvious to me that if we’d all supported Hillary [Clinton] from the start, we might have avoided this whole shitshow.” The bird expressed some lingering reservations about Clinton’s “Wall Street ties” and “the whole email thing” (both of which the bird was unable to elaborate on when pressed), but stated that ultimately, “anything would be better than what we ended up with. Anyway, it certainly makes me miss Obama. Did you know that under the AHCA, ‘being a bird’ is a preexisting condition? I have hollow bones, there’s like five cats in my neighborhood, and now I can’t get health insurance? I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.”...


Breaking: Chinese Emperor Xi Jinping Is Young and Powerful, and You’re Gonna Love Him

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

Straying from standard reactions to insecurities relating to age and Winnie the Pooh likeness, newly-dubbed Chinese Emperor Xi Jinping announced on Sunday that he has not only decided to live forever, but to rule forever. Xi did so after arriving at a news conference on his newly purchased, flame-painted Harley. Vice reports that he was sporting a new and splendid nose ring and leather jacket, a look reminiscent of the bad boy in that one Lana del Rey video. After wiping the last drops of water harvested from the domestically manufactured Fountain of Youth from his lips, Emperor Xi reportedly assured the Chinese people that he will “rule with a benevolent yet firm hand in addition to a legion of workers tasked with censoring every comment relating to imperial crows’ feet or general opinion that is not a reflection of unyielding awe and wide-eyed admiration for me." Although initially unsure, translators later confirmed that Emperor Xi’s speech to the nation ended with “I don’t give a damn. I’m gonna live forever. I’m staying, I’m staying. And you, you’re gonna love me.”...