Politics

Clarence Thomas Welcomes Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, Launching Supreme Boys’ Club

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In an effort to welcome Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court and encourage greater collegial fraternizing and camaraderie on the bench, Justice Clarence Thomas launched the Supreme Court’s new social club, “The Supreme Boys.”

The club, comprised of Justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, and Brett Kavanaugh, will host its first get-together at the “Governed Bodies,” strip club, located in basement of the West Wing of the White House...


Senate Republicans Push New Legislation to the Floor: “Keep Our Women and Men Safe”

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In the wake of Brett Kavanaugh’s tumultuous and painful confirmation hearings, Senate Republicans determined that they would allow the Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act expire this year. In its place, the majority, led by Orrin Hatch (R-UT) pushed to the floor new legislation entitled “Keep Our Women and Men Safe...




Recording of God Calling Trump to Tell Him Not to Run for Office Recently Released

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

A recording capturing contact between God and President Trump has recently been released to the public. While previous alleged conversations between the United States executive and the divine have typically been reported in the context of support for entering into war or steering the economy in a particular direction, this recording deals with a matter of far lesser complexity...


Kavanaugh Delivers Compelling Reasoning Supporting His Innocence: “I Don’t Try to Fuck Anyone in a One-Piece”

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In his sworn testimony during last Tuesday’s hearing, Kavanaugh offered persuasive evidence unequivocally proving his innocence. “Look,” reasoned Kavanaugh, “I couldn’t have sexually assaulted Ford that night. I don’t fuck girls in one-piece swimsuits. And she was wearing one. I mean, she says she was wearing one. You see? Her story just doesn’t hold up...


Senators Graham and Hatch Join Kavanaugh in Drunkenly Texted 130 Million American Women Dick Pics and an Image of their Own Bodies Twisted into a Massive Middle Finger

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In an exquisite display of groundbreaking choreography, superb muscular strength, and dramatic bodily flexibility, Senators Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Orrin Hatch (R-UT) arranged themselves with Brett “Whining-Baby-Grab-Hands” Kavanaugh into a human man sized middle finger last Tuesday following the Ford-Kavanaugh testimonies and invited blonde female aides to take images...





Breaking: Death of 50 Palestinian Protesters is the Featured Component of Netanyahu’s “Love Collage,” a Romantic Gift to his Beau, Trump

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

In a touching gesture to boyfriend American President Donald Trump, Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu delicately pieced together Israeli emulations of rhetoric and action from decades of infamous American doctrine into a “Love Collage.” Most prominently featured in the collage is the recent death of 50 brown men peacefully protesting against unjust political circumstance...


US Extends Steel, Aluminum Tariffs to Cosmos

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by JUSTIN MILLER

Thursday morning, US trade representative Robert Lighthizer announced new targets for the recent steel and aluminum tariffs implemented as a part of President Trump’s “America First” policy.

“Time after time, President Trump has acknowledged that the US has consistently gotten the raw end of trade deals made between nations under the last administration, and he doesn’t want to see that kind of poor strategic planning in our cosmic affairs," said Lighthizer...


Trump So Close to Correctly Guessing Which Country He Just Bombed, Mattis Nearly Swoons

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

MAR-A-LAGO — President of the United States Donald Trump so nearly correctly guessed the country against which he ordered a 59-missile attack, that for one fleeting moment, Secretary of Defense James Mattis lost himself in the sweet, tantalizing fantasy of functional leadership. Sources report that Mad Dog Mattis nearly swooned as Trump claimed that the US had just attacked Iraq, the neighboring country with three of the same letters as the actual target, Syria...


Conservative German Minister of Interior Preemptively Changes Party Logo to Swastika in an Attempt to Sway Far-Right Voters

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by SONALI BEHER

BERLIN – Horst Seehofer, newly elected German Minister of the Interior, has announced on Monday that he will add a swastika to the blue lettering of his party’s acronym, the Christian Social Union, in an attempt to outrun Germany’s far-right party, the AfD.

“It would fit best next to the Christian C, I think,” Seehofer told an aide who presented him with a first draft of the altered logo, when reporters from The Fishwrapper met him earlier this week...


Obama Stops to Pet Dog, Nation Forgets About Latest Trump Scandal

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by CHARLOTTE HOUSTON

Former president Barack Obama was photographed petting a dog on a street in a suburb of Chicago, IL last Wednesday. Within hours, the words “labradoodle” and “schnoodle” were trending on Twitter, as the photos incited controversy for dog-lovers everywhere trying to identify the breed.

White House sources reported that shortly after the story broke, aides were unable to coax current president Donald Trump to leave his place in front of the TV, where CNN had dedicated three hours of coverage to the story and the subsequent discussion of “Best Dog Breeds For Your Personality...


President Trump is “The Least Anti-Semantic Person You Know”

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by SOPHIE AANERUD

During a press address last week, in response to questions regarding the rise of Neonazi groups in the United States, President Donald Trump announced, “I am the least anti-Semantic person you know.” The president reportedly went on to explain, “You know, my daughter Ivanka, I mean she’s not technically, but her husband is a Semantic person, and he’s, he’s great, very reliable...


In New Statement, Jeff Sessions Urges Nation to “Just Chill Out”

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by RICKY SPAULDING

On Friday evening, Jeff Sessions called a press conference to discuss his shifting policy stance on the decriminalization of marijuana. After a delay of several minutes, he appeared behind the podium visibly chilled out. In a departure from traditional decorum, he wore Crocs and a T-shirt advertising the popular ska/punk group Sublime tucked into lime-colored board shorts, with an acoustic guitar slung across his chest...


Breaking: 6-Year-Old Majority Leader Mitch McConnell Has Plugged His Ears and Won’t Stop Saying “I Can’t Hear You”

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by ELIZABETH BERNBAUM

“I can’t hear you, la la la la la,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell repeated for the sixth time on Thursday after the entire nation and Congressional body told him that they wanted gun regulations. McConnell then reportedly hid under a desk in the Old Senate Chamber until the Senate adjourned at 4:57 p.m., at which point Assistant Majority Leader John Cornyn coaxed McConnell to crawl out after negotiations ending in the promise of a cookie and extending bedtime by 30 minutes...


Scott Pruitt Can't Remember Whether It's "Nuclear" Or "Nucular"

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by RICKY SPAULDING

EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt could not remember whether it was “nuclear” or “nucular” in a recent interview on alternative energy. Asked about diversifying U.S. energy production, he replied “To be competitive in a global energy market, we must continue to invest in natural gas and nucular . . . nucular? Nucular energy? Nu ...


Bird that Landed on Bernie Sanders’ Podium Now Regrets Not Choosing the Establishment Candidate, but at the Time “Didn’t Believe Trump Could Really Win.”

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by RICKY SPAULDING

Claiming that it was “swept up in the revolutionary sentiment of [Bernie Sanders’s] campaign,” the bird that landed on Sanders’s podium at a campaign rally in Portland, Oregon, is now expressing remorse for supporting the “grassroots socialist fantasy” Bernie promised. “I guess at the time I didn’t believe Trump could really win,” the small bird lamented during an exclusive interview with this reporter last week, “but now that he has, it’s obvious to me that if we’d all supported Hillary [Clinton] from the start, we might have avoided this whole shitshow...